Red Carpet Crop Tops Are Wrecking Everything

Red Carpet Crop Tops Are Wrecking EverythingOK it is time to get our olds on up in here and categorically state that crop tops are not evening red carpet wear. I will brook no disagreement with this statement. Are crop tops fine for going out to pick up milk or get on your private plane or whatever it is celebrities do in their free time? Sure, though it is a little bit of a tryhard. Are crop tops awesome when you are performing in a concert and also too have PVC shorts because why the hell not? But we are going to stand firm on the notion that crop tops are ruining America when they are worn as formalwear. This isn’t about being demure or some such nonsense because I am super into not-demure. It is about the fact that grown-up dress clothing should look like, well, grown-up dress clothing.

63rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Gwyneth Paltrow for serious. You are a grown-ass person and that just makes it look like you wore the wrong size top that day. You should know better. Side eye to you too, Rihanna:

Rihanna Launches Her "Reb'l Fleur" Fragrance at Macy's Lakewood Mall on February 18, 2011

The crop top itself is unforgivable, and don’t even think about getting me started on the fact that you’re wearing a skirt that has pockets you can jam your hands in. No one looks good with their hands jammed in their skirt pockets. No. One.

Jennifer Lopez, you have a crop top on that also looks like one of those multi-layered peasant top things that ladies wore in the 1970s and they made everyone look like a child who was about to star in a hometown theater version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

"The Wedding Planner" Los Angeles Premiere

Why would you wear this thing? Do you hate you?

Even Solange Knowles, who I think is beautiful and talented and I would gay marry like 1000 times over, does not make this outfit OK:

2nd Annual ELLE Magazine's "Women in Music" Event - Arrivals

If she had just gotten off the beach and it was 1973, this outfit would fucking rock. But it is really not 1973 and the red carpet is not a beach. Even Emma Watson, who I love unabashedly but not in that way because she is a child, for Pete’s sake, wore the crop top as dresswear recently:

GQ Men of the Year Awards 2013 - Arrivals

You do not look fancy, grown-up Hermione and that makes me sad.

Who do I blame the most for the current ascendance of this fashion nightmare? Why, the person America blames the most for everything right now: Miley Cyrus.

2013 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

What is that I don’t even. Knock it off, celebrity people. Do you really want to follow Miley Cyrus’ lead about, well, anything? No? I thought not.

[All Photos by PR Photos]

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  • x111e7thst

    Miley Cyrus is also why the economy remains shitty, and you can never have anything nice, ever again.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      not to mention the epidemic of chronically unhip middle aged people who insist upon using the word ‘twerk’

      • x111e7thst

        The two may well be related. Just not sure which way causality flows in the relationship

  • zedbot

    Oh sure. They wear crop tops and it’s all red carpet woo woo. I wear one and it’s “People of Walmart.” *pats belly*

  • obamafone

    Are those horns growing out of Miley Cyrus’ head?

  • elviouslyqueer

    I’m sorry, but I’ve seen Home Depot curtain valances that look fancier than Emma Watson’s crop top.

    • TiredGeezerLady

      Ditto for J.Lo’s.

  • calliecallie

    I want to snark on this, but I’m just kind of jealous. Like that time at the beach when my horrified sister-in-law pointed out a girl in a thong and I said that if I had a butt like that, I’d totally wear the thong too. Ditto the crop tops. Sigh.