A small plane lands near the Concorde and Joe Patroni (George Kennedy) exits. Patroni is the only character to appear in all four Airport movies, and it's quite amusing how much his job description changes each time. He walks off the plane as the score swells. Lalo Schifrin's (remember him?) music is quite good, and much better than the film deserves. Joe observes the Concorde with a smug smirk, perhaps wondering what horror his presence will bring this time.

Meanwhile, in a much better movie, Paul is talking to Isabelle, the stewardess who got him coffee earlier. She's lying on the carpet as he kisses her hand. She firmly replies, "I won't, Paul." She tells him how much it hurt her when he left. I wish they would make it clearer how much time has passed between these two, because the best I can gather is that it was a trip to the grocery store for some smokes that got out of hand. Then again, as neither are native English speakers, perhaps they think they're really saying, "I love you more than all the stars in the sky." Perhaps we'll cut to them in later years and Isabelle will look tenderly into Paul's eyes and say, "Don't lie to me, I smell that whore's perfume all over you."

Paul asks if he can tell her something serious, and in this shot you can amuse yourself by deciding who has more eye makeup on. She nods her head and he whispers, "Isabelle... your hair is in my French fries." [?] I think her hair is quite a bit away from the cartons of take-out food (which we don't even see until the very end of the scene). Despite the nonsensicality of that statement, I must admit they have good chemistry, and the delicious accents don't hurt. She laughs, then says she won't let him hurt her again. She then follows through on this promise by proceeding to make out with him.

An ominous chord sounds as anchorwoman Maggie Whelan hastily ties on a bathrobe to answer the door, while the bell is rung incessantly. She peers through the peephole and sees a small mustachioed man. He identifies himself as Carl Parker, "assistant sales director for Harrison Industries". He explains that they met at a benefit and it's very important he talks to her. She lets him in and he says she has "influence" so she can help him. He drops the bomb: Harrison Industries has been making illegal arms sales for the last fifteen years. He claims they've sold weapons to the North Vietnamese, Cuba, Syria, Uganda, and "terrorist groups".

She reacts incredulously and he says he has the documents to back it up. She says she still can't believe it. It's pretty obvious Maggie's an item with Harrison, otherwise she'd be salivating at the prospect of breaking this story. She says she'll get dressed and they'll talk. Just then, a male voice asks, "Mr. Parker?" They both freeze on the staircase as a man appears in the doorway with a silenced pistol and shoots Parker. The gunman becomes a Stormtrooper, because he's unable to hit Maggie clumsily fleeing up the stairs. He takes the phone off the hook and goes after her.

She bolts to the top floor of her apartment, hitting her assailant with a gardening tool, causing him to drop his gun. The top floor turns out to be an enclosed greenhouse, and he searches for her. Breaking all henchmen rules, he looks up, and sees her frantically trying to scramble up the glass roof. He goes to the open window and grabs her leg. She screams and across the street an old woman pulls an alarm. He doesn't take the ten seconds to give Maggie a good yank and send her flying to the pavement, but instead just turns heels and flees. Proving once again why it's important not to hire the easily discouraged contract killer.

Meanwhile, Joe Patroni exits the elevator at his hotel. He goes to his room, pauses, and knocks on the door next to it. A shirtless Paul answers ('bout time you started earning some brownie points, movie). Joe introduces himself and says they'll be working together. Paul says he's glad to meet him and apologizes for his appearance, saying he went to bed early. Joe says that it's all right and bids him a good night. He bites down on his cigar and calls out, "And goodnight to you, too, honey!" Paul asks him how he knew there was a girl in his room. Joe he says he's heard a lot about Paul, and he guessed "that terrific perfume" wasn't his. Paul breaks into a beautiful smile and closes the door.

The next day, a shaken Maggie walks with Harrison around the Lincoln Memorial. (So, I guess they're in DC.) See, if a guy accuses my boyfriend of selling arms and then is shot down right before my eyes and I barely escape with my life, I think I'd be hesitant about approaching him behind anything less than a SWAT team. But I guess I'm not really the trusting type.

Harrison reacts with disbelief at the accusations and says Carl Parker was one of his closest friends. He then pulls out a fluorescent pink piece of chalk and begins to scrawl GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY on the pavement. Or he might as well, as his brilliant cover is that someone in the company is trying to blackmail him. Yes, and Nigeria tried to sell him uranium, too, I bet.

Maggie is somewhat taken aback by this and asks why someone would want to blackmail him. He says big business is like the children's game "King of the Mountain". When you're at the top, someone always "wants to knock you on your ass". He then points out one of the major flaws of the screenplay by asking why a man with his wealth and power would risk it on something so "incredibly stupid". She smiles through her tears and says she loves him so much. Robert Wagner truly earns his pay with his next line. He takes her in his arms and murmurs, "Sweet Maggie, sweet, sweet Maggie." Wake up, I think I got somethin' to say to you.

Later, a limo picks Harrison up in front of the reflecting pool. He gets in and his business partner Willie rises from behind the drivers seat. Was he hiding from someone? Uh, the windows are tinted, jackass.

Harrison announces that Carl Parker is dead. Willie asks if they were able to recover the documents. Harrison says no and adds, "This could destroy everything we've worked for," because now Maggie knows about the sales. He asks Willie what time the latest Buzzard test will be. When he's told six, he says to delay it until eight. He then asks how difficult it would be to reprogram the missile and Willie says, "No problem at all."

I want you to sit down so I can explain this plan. Instead of an untraceable poison slipped in a wine glass, instead of a mysterious house fire, instead of even a car bomb, he's going to program a missile to take down a commercial airliner. Because it's not like there'll be an investigation into his company and into the accident afterwards. And it's not like it will cause an international incident when the Russians become a bit miffed that a plane carrying their Olympic Team was destroyed. So not only is he an eeee-vill arms dealer, he's a mind numbingly stupid one as well.

Meanwhile, Paul and Joe walk across the tarmac trading war stories. Joe asks Paul if he ever met this "Eurasian girl with big... blue eyes, they called her the Tarantula." Because if anything is box office gold, it's a horny George Kennedy. They come upon the Concorde and take a few moments to ogle it. Paul says, "She can maneuver with a military jet. Go just as fast. And a lot farther." I'm not so sure how true that is, but this is information we're obviously supposed to file away for later.

Paul mentions Joe must have done very well in training to get to fly the Concorde. Joe says anything that flies is practically an obsession of his. He adds, "The only thing I'm afraid of is heights." [??] He asks if Paul is afraid of anything. The light catches Delion's beautiful eyes. "American pilots," he jokes. We'll soon see how justified that sentiment is. Inside the cockpit, Paul magnanimously offers Joe the captain's seat.

Meanwhile at a hotel, the Russian Olympic team loads onto a bus, and a group of reporters interviews the male coach who has a messy mop of brown hair and a drooping mustache and an accent culled from watching a week's worth of original Star Trek episodes. All his act is missing is the tall fur hat and vodka bottle. The reporter asks what he likes best about America and he bellows, "The children, all the happy children!"

Then he introduces his daughter, a bored looking child who happens to be deaf. Strangely, he uses American Sign Language [!] when talking to her. The reporter asks her what she thinks of her father and she signs that he's "an ugly bear [!]". I appreciate your honesty, kid, but don't forget that Siberia gets awfully cold this time of year.

Inside the cockpit, the navigator (once again, David Warner) glumly takes a pear out of a paper bag. Paul asks him if he's still on the diet and he says yes, though he can hardly stand it. He says he woke up in the middle of the night from a terrible dream where a giant banana was chasing him. Well, that sounds much more interesting than this movie.

Isabelle comes in with coffee. Paul and Joe insist on having theirs just black. She teases that they are such men and Joe responds with what is sadly the most memorable line of the film, "They don't call it the cockpit for nothing, honey." My spirit is far too crushed to be appalled, so I can only whimper liked a wounded ferret.