Some of you might be wondering why DISASTERS! (at the box office)—this website's month-long tribute to disaster movies of the 70's—features two films from the 80's. While it's true that When Time Ran Out... was released in 1980, and Starflight One came out in 1982, both are very much part of the 70's disaster movie cycle that started with Airport. And if there's one thing you can count on with movie fads, it's that the worst entries usually come out at the tail end of the craze (like, say, Can't Stop the Music was released right at the peak of disco... in 1980).

By the end of the 70's, disaster movies had all but been killed off by producer Irwin Allen. At first, Allen was responsible for some of the genre's biggest hits, but as the years went on, he severely tested the public's patience with crap like Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, The Swarm, and the aforementioned When Time Ran Out... All of them tanked, clearing the way for disasters spoofs like Airplane! and The Big Bus. By 1982, the disaster genre was dead. Unfortunately, nobody told director Jerry Jameson.

Jameson is a close #2 behind Irwin Allen in the sheer amount of disaster crud he's dumped on the public. He also directed Airport '77, Raise the Titanic!, and a whole slew of TV disaster movies with titles like Terror on the 40th Floor and The Deadly Tower and The Elevator. (Hmm, sense a pattern here?) In addition to his movies, Jerry's also directed episodes of Hawaii Five-O, The Six Million Dollar Man, Dallas, and more recently JAG and Walker, Texas Ranger. In other words, he's a one-man cheese factory.

I'm sure he seemed like a natural to direct Starflight One, given his prior experience in airplane disaster films. In fact, this movie could have easily been called Airport '82, as it follows almost exactly the same template made famous by the movie series "inspired" by Arthur Haley's novel Airport. However, this movie takes the concept to a entirely new level: orbit. The airplane in Starflight One doesn't crash—it ends up in space.

It's a very rare thing for a movie to come out after its parody, but that's the case here, because Airplane II: The Sequel had almost the same plot, and it came out the very same year that Starflight One made its debut.

Understandably, Starflight One couldn't get released theatrically in the US, so the filmmakers had to settle for airing it as an ABC movie of the week. After its initial broadcast, new footage (most of it completely pointless) was added and it was released in theaters overseas. It's this version of the film that ultimately ended up on home video for me to review here.

As befitting a TV movie, this film's "all-star cast" consists of washed-up TV actors and the kind of supporting players you'd see on nighttime soaps from around the same period. When casting his lead, Jameson went for a guy he had directed in a TV series before: Lee Majors, the Bionic Man and Fall Guy himself. (At one point, Lee and his then-wife Farrah Fawcett were like the Bennifer of their day, so ending up in crap like this must have been all the more humiliating for him.) Joining him is none other than TV's Barney Miller, Hal Linden, along with perennial cover girl Lauren Hutton (and based on her performance here, she should have stuck to modeling).

Starflight One is loosely (very loosely) based on the real technology of hypersonic aircraft. (Basically, aircraft that can fly several times the speed of sound.) NASA has been testing hypersonic aircraft since before it was called NASA, and it seems some brainy screenwriter read about this and decided it was only a matter of time before a passenger hypersonic jet could be developed. And as this movie proves, all it takes is one colossally stupid idea to waste a whole lot of time and money.

The opening credits play over footage of a large, futuristic airplane being towed out of a hangar, and it should come as no surprise that this is the titular Starflight One. The credits, meanwhile, appear to have random letters italicized—mainly the As and the Ms, which I'm sure to the filmmakers just screamed "future!" I mean, was there an airline in the 80's that wasn't italicizing the "A" in its logo?

From markings on the sides of the plane, I see this movie is also continuing the Airport tradition of using a take-off on "TWA" for the name of the fictional airline. In this case, it's (I think) "TAZ". (Let's hope this airline eventually went the way of the real TWA.) Lalo Schrifin's majestic (but also heavily recycled) score plays behind Starflight One being wheeled around a dark runway at night. Strangely, every time we'll see Starflight on a runway in this movie, it will be nighttime. I'm not insinuating anything, but I have heard that darkness does wonders for concealing the model-ness of a model.

Also during the credits, we learn that one of the producers is none other than the Fonz himself, Henry Winkler. I can't really knock the guy, because at least he had the good sense to realize he was never going to get a decent acting role again after playing the Fonz, so he moved over to the business side of things. By the way, is it just me or does Henry Winkler own about twenty identical pink sweaters? Just an observation.

Then we learn the special effects for this movie were done by John Dykstra, the same guy who did the special effects for Star Wars and the first Star Trek movie. His career went downhill pretty rapidly after that, as evidenced by his involvement with this movie. But the model work on display here is really quite good. So good, in fact, that it seems borrowed from another, much better movie.

As we learn that the movie was directed by JERRY JAMESON, we get a good look at the model. Starflight One is basically a huge, sleek jumbo jet painted blue and silver. It has a tiny tail fin and the ends of its wings are slightly upturned, just like that badass paper airplane you used to make out of notebook paper that could fly for, like, ever. So, from the standpoint of a former paper airplane builder, this plane rocks aerodynamically. Now, if the makers of this movie would also like me to evaluate the airworthiness of triangular footballs, my opinion only costs a small fee.

A NASA-like announcer's voice says that it's currently 24 hours until "liftoff". Then a caption informs us we're in the scenic Miltonesque paradise of Palmdale, California.

Cut to inside a cockpit simulator as the guy in the pilot's chair, a man named Josh (played by Hal Linden) flips switches. At the same time, behind him, a bald guy in a suit tracks his progress. And as I watched this, I realized something: I don't know how anyone can see Hal Linden and resist singing, "Bum... bum bum bum... bum bum bum... bum bum bum bum bum bum!" It's a compulsion that cannot be quenched until you've heard that damn theme song in your head.

Anyway, it seems Josh is busy pushing the simulated "plane" past its design limits, while the bald guy behind him yells that he's "overshooting!" An alarm sounds, so Josh furiously flips more switches, but all to no avail. "Damn, Bodish!" Josh yells. "We've got a mishmash!" Or perhaps he said "mismatch". But clearly, it doesn't matter. Josh says this is exactly what happened to someone named "Cody".

"You know something?" Bodish asks. "You oughta stop being a pilot and stick to plane design!" Because, you know, it's a common thing to tell somebody what their occupation is in the course of normal conversation. "You know what, Albert? You oughta stop being a movie reviewer, and stick to software development!"

Anyway, the two step out of the flight simulator. Josh is feeling uneasy, so he suggests putting the "rockets" (presumably, those of Starflight One) under computer control for the first flight. He says that would take a week to set up, but Bodish points out the plane is supposed to fly tomorrow. Josh suggests calling off the flight completely, so Bodish quickly tells him to go home and get some rest.

Just then, Josh's wife Nancy enters. She's a tall, thin woman with big 80's hair. She's played by Gail Strickland, who you might remember from the Deep Space Nine episode "Paradise" in which she stuffed Sisko in a sweatbox.

Nancy says she had to come and get Josh, or else he'd never come home. You ever notice in disaster movies, that no matter how marginal a job is, there's always a guy who's so obsessed with it that he neglects his wife and kid? Eventually, I expect to hear something like, "Mike, when are you going to stop painting freeway stripes and come home already? Debbie misses you!"

Josh and Nancy take off, and an ominous note is played on the cello as Bodish picks up a phone. He reaches an older gentleman named "QT", and no, it's not Tarantino. Bodish tells QT that Josh is still considering postponing the flight. QT gravely says he can "handle" Josh. Are you sure? Because Hal Linden is one smoldering hunk of man.