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TV Episode Reviews & Recaps
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Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Sybil Pandemic
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
Click to see all our shows!
the agony booth
Enterprise “A Night in Sickbay” TV Recap Page 3 of 8
Posted by Dr. Winston O'Boogie Posted on: April 30, 2008
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Archer heads on over to Sickbay, where he will soon be spending "a night". He finds his dog Porthos inside one of those plexiglass boxes with gloves that they use for premies. Dr. Phlox says Archer can pet his dog, but only with the gloves. He explains that Porthos picked up a pathogen on the planet's surface, which is causing his immune system to break down, and it could be life-threatening.

And now, the complete character assassination of Jonathon Archer can begin in earnest. Archer, now faced with the prospect of his pet dying due to a pathogen picked up on an alien planet, begins to blame... the alien species?

"Didn't we send his genome to the Kreetassans along with ours?" The implication being that it's this alien civilization's fault, for not knowing there was a pathogen in their atmosphere potentially fatal to dogs. From Earth.

The article continues after this advertisement...

Now, obviously, we can't say how medical science in the Trek universe works. Especially since it changes from week to week. But even if this alien species has incredibly advanced medical technology, why would Archer assume it's 100% foolproof? You're bringing your dog to an alien planet. On this planet we're living on right now, meaning the planet Earth, a dog can die from, say, tipping over a garbage can and getting into some chocolate. And somehow taking a dog to an alien planet is something that should be completely free of risk?

Well, here's Archer, to clear it all up.

Archer: I'm told I've offended these people twice. Once for eating in front of them. The second time, I don't even know what for! But if their carelessness has hurt Porthos, or God forbid, ends up killing him... they're gonna find out what being offended is all about.

What? What the hell does that mean? Is he threatening to declare war on their entire species if his dog dies? This is unbelievably bad writing. Archer seems, frankly, mentally disturbed, and even Phlox flinches a little at his last line, like he's face to face with a mass murderer. He tries to assure Archer that he's going to do whatever it takes to save Porthos.

The episode then tries to wring some Porthos Pathos out of the situation, by having Archer pet him with the premie glove, and Porthos puts his paw up on the glove. Awwwww. What? I'm not completely dead inside, you know. This episode may be a crockpot full of steaming shit, but wook at the puppy! Wook at the puppy!

Caption contributed by Albert

Archer steps onto the bridge and asks T'Pol if she was able to contact the Kreetassans. It seems discretion really is the better part of valor, because T'Pol thinks it better to discuss this in private in Archer's ready room. And man, Jolene Blalock is so unbelievably unappealing here. I can't figure out what made them think she would be the sexpot of the show. They've given her the most hideous wig you could put on a woman. It makes her look like a straight up dyke.

I mean, really, Berman and Braga, are you expecting me to buy that Linda Park is not the sexiest woman on this show?

Caption contributed by Albert
C'mon, you have to admit she's got some sex appeal. It's not even an Asian fetish thing. Plus she's done about 20 Video Daily Doubles, which has to count for something.

In Archer's Ready Room, T'Pol mumbles/groans/whispers that there were several 300 year old trees outside of the Kreetassans' "Hall of Diplomacy". Which I assume is kitty-corner to their Hall of Justice.

Archer couldn't care less about 300 year old trees, so he fully transforms into a bratty grade-schooler. He yells, "Did you apologize for whatever we did wrong? Are we going to get our plasma injector?" Yeah, I can't really believe those lines, either. The captain of Earth's first deep space mission will be an overgrown child. I want my plasma injector now! Now! Gimme gimme gimme!

T'Pol wisely ignores these idiotic questions, and proceeds to explain that those 300 year old "Alvera trees" are actually "cultural treasures" to the Kreetassans. She adds, "Apparently, Porthos urinated on one of them." Sadly, you read that right. I transcribed that line 100% correctly. A dog peeing on a tree is now a significant plot point in a Star Trek episode. I'll give you some time to let that sink in. It's okay, just let yourself accept it. Things will be much easier that way. I'll be right here, in case you totally lose your shit.

Prior to watching Archer's reaction, I started to imagine how other Star Trek captains would handle this situation. But then I realized that no other Star Trek captain would be in this situation in the first place.

Can you imagine, say, Jean-Luc Picard bringing his dog down to an alien planet? Yeah, I didn't think so. But even if he did, and that dog whizzed on cultural landmarks, I can only see Picard being swiftly contrite and apologetic, immediately making amends to get that needed component. Hell, I think Wesley Crusher whizzed on some bushes in the first season of TNG, and Picard groveled his ass off to save the kid.

But Archer, as you probably guessed, is about to have a slightly different reaction. He proceeds to blame the aliens once again, yelling that if they had studied Porthos' genetic profile more closely, they would have seen the potential for him to get sick. Accordingly, Archer would have left his dog on the ship. And then "he wouldn't have had the opportunity to pee on one of their precious trees!" Is any of this making any sense to anybody? Because this is the most fucked up logic ever.

This is a species they already offended once. And they offended them simply by eating in front of them. Isn't it reasonable, isn't it just plain common sense to think some other mundane activity might also set them off? In light of everything that's happened, wouldn't you, as a rational person, say it's a good idea not to bring along an unpredictable animal when you visit their planet? And even if you do stupidly bring your pet along anyway, wouldn't it make sense to just apologize if your pet makes a mess?

To Jonathon Archer, apparently not. Instead, he's going to throw a huge hissy fit. I mean, really? I try to not get too emotionally worked up by fictional people, but I'm having a hard time expressing how much I hate Archer right now.

It gets even worse when T'Pol says she conveyed his apologies to the Kreetassans. He yells back, "Where the hell do you get off conveying my sincerest apologies? They're the ones who should be sorry!"

Oh, man. This is really horrible to watch. I can't believe anyone, much less the show's creators, thought it was a good idea to have their central character transform into a selfish infant. Especially since at the opening of this scene, Archer clearly asked T'Pol, "Did you apologize for whatever we did wrong?" And now, he's yelling at her for apologizing?

Ah, but you see, T'Pol made the mistake of conveying his apologies. So, it appears Archer is fine with apologizing, as long as he's not the one doing it. Even though it was his dog that made the mess. It all makes so much sense now.

T'Pol points out they really need those plasma injectors, and suggests Archer might be letting his pride get in the way. That is putting it mildly. Archer replies with a true jaw dropper of a line.

Archer: If anything happens to Porthos, I'll be the one watering their Alvera trees!

What? For real? Did Archer just threaten to piss on the culturally treasured landmarks of an alien civilization?

Can we all agree that, if this is not the worst dialogue ever written for a Star Trek character, it's certainly way down there? There have been times when I've disagreed with a character's choices. There have been times I've disliked a character. There have been times when I think the writers ruined a character, or undid a lot of a character's development, purely out of laziness. But this... this is all-out character destruction the likes of which I have never seen before. It takes active, aggressive hatred for your own creations to annihilate them to this degree.

Caption contributed by Albert
"In fact, I'm relieving myself on your leg right now."

At less than eight minutes into the episode, I'm actually angry enough to just stop the recap here. I rarely get pissed off when I recap stuff, because deep down, I really love the awful stuff that I recap. But this episode is something quite different. It's not terrible in the way most of the movies featured on this website are terrible, in that the filmmakers didn't know what they were doing, and just stumbled into making a horrible movie as a result of their own incompetence. It's terrible in that Epic Movie kind of way, where it seems everybody knew better, but the writers just hated the characters, hated themselves, hated their jobs, and most of all hated you for wanting to watch the shit they write.

Unfortunately though, I have to keep going. After building up anticipation for five years, there's no way I can bail on this episode now.

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