Then we find some jeeps traveling down a dirt road in (I'm going to the captions here, folks) "Great Pedro Bluff — Jamaica". We find Nick, Dr. Sneezy, and NewsRadio Chick all being driven along in a jeep, while NewsRadio Chick asks Nick about the time he spent in Chernobyl. "How did Mrs. Tatah-polis handle that?" See, his name is hard to pronounce. He says he's not married, and doesn't have a girlfriend. NewsRadio Chick gets all excited and asks if there's anyone who "holds a special place in your heart." Nick says there hasn't been anyone "for a long time now", but we know better, don't we?

NewsRadio Chick says that even though he might not be the right guy for this job, "I think you're cute!" Hey, what some people call "unwanted advances", NewsRadio Chick calls "charm". Nick acts all humble, and then some helicopters fly overhead. We then cut to yet another pair of helicopters shot from above as they straddle a dirt road. There are no giant tracks this time, and instead the road leads directly to the Japanese cannery boat, now a wreck on the shore. Okay, so how did a ship that was sunk in the South Pacific wash up on the shore of a beach in Jamaica?

As we swoop around the boat, we find it's got big gashes in its hull about the exact same size as the claws of a giant mutant lizard. There are local townspeople gathered around as the Army dudes come to investigate, and right behind them are Nick and the Mystery Machine Gang. Everybody stares at the gashes in the hull, slack jawed.

The Colonel notices some French guys recording video, and wants them cleared out of there. Suddenly, Jean Reno appears right next to the Colonel, claiming that he and his team are from an insurance company. He asks the Colonel what he thinks could have done this much damage, but the Colonel just tells him to get the hell out of there.

We then find Nick examining some canned fish that's washed up on shore, including several cans of Bumblebee Tuna. Just out of curiosity, why would they have pre- packaged cans of tuna on a cannery boat? Nick then spots some long gooey things inside one of the gashes in the hull, and uses a pair of tweezers to pull one out. I guess this is Godzilla Jizz or something. Jean Reno walks over to give Nick the trademark Shady Guv'mint Sp00k look. They make eye contact and Jean Reno shyly turns away. It might just be love at first sight.

The next thing we see are three fishing trawlers in, again going by the captions, "Eastern Seaboard — United States". Since these are Americans, they're in their boats getting drunk on beer and playing cards. Well, you can't say the Japanese were unfairly singled out. This movie is an equal opportunity stereotyper.

Suddenly, there's a screeching noise and all three boats come to a stop. A sailor on one of the boats pushes the engine to full throttle, but the boat doesn't move. A drunk card player comes up to find out what's going on, and the sailor says, "She's heavy in the net!" The Drunk Guy goes out on deck, and yells to the guys on the other two boats, saying that they're probably stuck on something, and they should reel in their nets.

The next thing we know, the boats are being pulled backwards, so the men frantically try to cut the nets loose. Unfortunately, mondo destruction results as all of the boat masts collapse from the strain. The men try to chop the nets loose, but soon find their boats being pulled under and they all jump ship.

Eventually, we see lots of guys clinging to debris to stay afloat. Soon, they hear a low moaning sound straight out of Star Trek IV, followed by one fishing boat resurfacing and crashing down on the waves. And that's the last we'll ever see of these guys. But good luck, fellas.

We cut to a propeller-driven plane, obviously a miniature, flying through some thick clouds and lightning. For the life of me, I can't figure out why they stuck such a fake looking prop in here. Maybe it was to pay homage to monster movies of old, because it's that fake. Inside, Nick is examining Godzilla's Jizz under a microscope. Nearby, the Colonel gets a report about the three fishing trawlers going down. He's told that the trawlers were in fact "pulled under", causing everyone in the plane to suddenly perk up and come over.

This freaks out the Colonel, because this means the thing is only 200 miles from land and they still don't know what it is. NewsRadio Chick thinks the creature is a Theropoda Allosaurus, which supposedly "died out in the Cretaceous period". Hey, at least she didn't say the Jurassic period.

Nick, now in Geek Mode complete with thick coke bottle glasses, notes that there were traces of radiation in the Godzilla Jizz, and that's it too big to be a dinosaur. He notes that it was first sighted in French Polynesia, where supposedly "dozens of nuclear tests" have been staged in the last thirty years. So he now firmly puts forward the "mutated aberration" theory.

NewsRadio Chick dismissively cries, "Like your earthworms?" and Dr. Sneezy chuckles. Nick claims that this is the "dawn of a new species! The first of its kind!" It could be a new age! A golden age! Okay, I think it's time for my medication again. Anyway, we zoom in on the Colonel's map, and for some reason we specifically focus on New York City.

Sure enough, our next "pan across a body of water and up to a land mass" reveals Manhattan, and the stupidly cloying and cute caption identifies this as "The City That Never Sleeps." Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we already have a scene in New York? Why didn't we get the caption then? And how sloppy does a director need to be to not even notice a mistake like this? Anyway, it's still raining in New York.

We then cut to a diner, where Audrey is complaining to her co-worker Lucy about how Boss Caiman keeps putting the moves on her. Also with them is another Simpsons regular, Hank Azaria, who exposition quickly informs us is "Animal", a WIDF camerman and Lucy's husband. Lucy tells Audrey that in Caiman's eyes, she's just a "pair of breasts that talk!" That's the way to make her feel better. To this, Animal suddenly turns into Tony Micelli and says, "Ayyyy, dere's an image!"

Lucy says Caiman is a worthless individual, or more specifically, a "douche bag gutter slime dog crap puke chunks", and Animal gets pissed at this comment because he's eating. Lucy says Audrey's just too nice for big, tough New York City where it's "dawg eat dawg", and that "you just don't got what it takes!" This is a pep talk? Animal tosses in a few clichés of his own when he tells her that "nice guys finish last!"

Audrey chirps that she can be "tough" and this comment is greeted with chuckles. Suddenly, Audrey sees Nick up on the diner's TV, and it's news footage of when he arrived in Panama with the Colonel. She walks over and stares at the set, completely starry-eyed. She tells the other two that this was her "college sweetie", whatever the hell that means. Then she comments that "he looks so handsome on TV!" Oh, does he ever.

Then we cut to lower Manhattan and see guys working down at the fish market. They, of course, incessantly yell and swear at each other as they work. Ha ha! Just like real Noo Yawkers, huh? Meanwhile, an old bum heads down a pier with a fishing pole and a tackle box. Two other bums spot him, and one laughingly asks, "Hey, Joe!" Where you goin' with that gun in your hand? "Gonna catch one of them little fish in the East River?"

Joe responds, "Today could be my lucky day!" Hmm, I wonder if this is supposed to be ironic. The other bum laughs and says, "The only thing you're gonna catch is a cold!" Ha ha! Bum humor is the best. Joe casts his line and sits, and his lure quickly gets pulled under. Joe is ecstatic that he got a bite, when suddenly, the fishing line starts reeling out like crazy.

Joe fights with the line, and then we see something splash up from the water at least a quarter of a mile from Joe. All the other bum can say is that he has a "big one". Something that's a quarter of a mile long? I'd say so. Eventually, the fishing pole flies out of Joe's hands, and he sees a big undulating surge in the water headed right for him.

The big wave gets closer and closer, and of course, all Joe does is stand there, dumbly staring at it. At the very last second, he turns and runs. The wave hits the pier, exploding the planks one by one, bearing a remarkable similarity to explosive charges being set off in succession.

Then we cut to a bridge where cars are zipping over the river, and a big scaly tail appears over the railing. We get a close-up of one driver looking stunned as the big tail deposits a small boat directly in front of his car. Some more boats land in various places around the docks, then finally we see a big reptilian foot land on the street, sending vehicles flying. Several cars swerve to avoid the giant foot, and naturally, one cab plows straight through crates of fish. Hey, you knew the "cars crashing through crates of stuff" thing had to happen sooner or later.

One guy sits in his truck, completely oblivious, because he's wearing headphones. As we learned from Nick and the Red Army helicopter, headphones can block out the noise from anything. Suddenly, his truck is snatched up in giant jaws. We watch from inside the truck as it becomes airborne. The driver's side door falls open, and the driver ends up hanging onto the steering wheel for dear life. Meanwhile, Godzilla says, "Mmmm... trucks."

The truck crashes to the ground, and then we immediately cut to the front of municipal government building. A bald-headed guy stands at a podium covered with microphones and introduces "the man you've all been waiting for! Yours for a safer New York! Your mayor, Mayor Ebert!" And then a pudgy guy comes out, and he's got gray hair and wears glasses with thick square frames. He extends both hands and holds his thumbs up, and at this point, only people in the audience with no electrical activity in their brains would fail to recognize this character as being inspired by film critic Roger Ebert.

Of course, you'd think with all this rain, whatever event this is would have been cancelled already. Instead, Mayor Ebert thanks everybody for coming out on this "beautiful New York City day!" Hah hah! Only in New York, huh? And I bet these people never sleep, either! We see several onlookers holding "Re-Elect Mayor Ebert" signs, and he proceeds to give some kind of campaign speech, completely oblivious to the big thuds that people are starting to hear off in the distance.

The thuds get louder and louder, and then we cut to some nearby parked police cars and TV news vans getting rocked by the vibrations. The people standing next to them, oddly enough, are getting jostled a split-second later. Then we see some cabs bump up and down like lowriding Caddies souped up with hydraulics. One random cab driver gets out, and we focus on him because we're supposed to care about him. Briefly, anyway.

Then the people gathered around Mayor Ebert hear a scream, and sadly, it's a sample of the Toho Godzilla scream, which is literally about the only thing linking this movie to the Godzilla we all know and love. Everyone scatters, and a cop stares as a building crumbles right before his eyes. He takes off running, then we see a huge reptilian beast emerging from the ash. Cut to that Cab Driver We're Supposed to Care About as he just stands there, dumbly staring at it. I wonder if he knows Joe the Bum.

Finally, he starts running as a huge pair of reptilian feet stomp down the street, and yet another boat [?] falls to the pavement. Where in the hell are all these boats coming from?