A few days later (I think), Carl helps Demi go through some of Patrick's belongings, figuring out what to keep and what to throw away. Patrick sits on a window sill watching them. I guess he's been taking lessons at the Nate Fisher School of How to be a Dick in the Afterlife, because when Demi saves a pair of concert tickets in a shoebox, he whines that they "hated that concert!" She also hangs on to Patrick's Little Black Plot Point, much to Carl's chagrin.
Along the way, we find out she's even keeping a half-empty pack of Rolaids. "What are you doing?" Patrick sighs in exasperation. Oh, I'm sorry that she misses you, and is holding on to little items that aren't worth much to anyone else, but can remind her of the good times you had together. Dick.
The article continues after this advertisement...
Carl makes for the door with two large cardboard boxes, with the Shoebox of Sentimentality on top. Demi stops him and takes away the shoebox. He apologizes in that Oh gee, what was I thinking (dammit dammit dammit) kind of way.
He invites her out for a walk, but she demurs, saying she's not ready. Carl insists, and the discussion gets heated to the point were he angrily reminds her she isn't the one who died, and gets the expected slap across the face. She apologizes and agrees it would be a good thing for her to leave the house. Patrick inexplicably freaks out about this, but despite his violent shaking of the head, she goes for her sweatshirt and they leave.
Patrick makes a few useless swipes at the doorknob. He tries to build up the courage to pass through the door, first by sticking his arm in. And when he puts his arm in, the color of the door actually spreads up his arm, but I have no idea why. He's just about to pass through, when a click in the lock sends him stumbling back.
Apparently, in the afterlife, they're big believers in chroma key.
Entering the loft is the Ethnic Hood who killed him, and in the process presumably boosted his house keys along with his wallet. Now I'm confused. Is all of this a prearranged deal between Carl and the Hood? (And please, let's act like adults here, and not bother pretending we don't see this twist coming.) Was Carl supposed to get Demi out of the apartment long enough for the Hood to toss the place looking for the Black Book? If so, how would the Hood know Carl hadn't already gotten it? Was he watching from across the street for a signal? And if it's that goddamned urgent, couldn't Carl have just waited for Demi to go to the bathroom, and snatched the book then? And how does Carl even know that Patrick wrote down his new pass code in that book? Stupid, totally unsexy movie.
Anyway, Patrick is furious when he sees the Hood, and takes a few futile punches at him. The Hood climbs the stairs, enters the bedroom, and ruffles through drawers.
And then, immediately after this, he crapped out the script for Black Dog.
Downstairs, Demi returns (that was an awfully short walk), and the Hood presses himself into an alcove while she walks past. She then takes off her sweatshirt and the Hood ogles her in her bra. Which is, of course, disgusting and disgraceful behavior. So disgusting, that we take a good long look right along with him. And she's positioned in front of a mirror, giving us a view from the front, too.
The Hood smirks, and Patrick says he'll kill him if he hurts Demi. Dude, even if you were flesh and blood, I don't think he'd be all that scared.
Patrick then notices that the cat they suddenly have is resting on a stack of boxes beside him. He quickly gets the idea to have a stare down with the cat. And yes, this is just as lame as it sounds. (The general notion being that somehow, pets are more "aware" of stuff like ghosts and earthquakes than people.) He spooks the cat into awkwardly leaping at the Hood, and the Hood clutches at the scratches on his face and makes for the door. And even though he loudly stomps down the stairs, his exit goes completely unnoticed by Demi.
"Dammit! I'm only doing this to pay for my Luis Guzman lessons!"
Patrick goes to follow the Hood, and finally works up the courage to pass through the door, dramatically leaping through. The Hood races down to catch a subway and Patrick is right on his heels. Patrick leaps onto the subway, and during the whole ride, he gives the Hood the evil eye (or perhaps, since it's Patrick Swayze, the "you phink" eye).
ActionPatrick leaps a stunning three feet. It's almost as pulse-pounding as the ending of Staying Alive.
Just then, Damn Fine Character Actor #1, Vincent Schiavelli appears (who, I'm sad to say, in the course of writing this recap became the late great Vincent Schiavelli). He yells at a surprised Patrick to get out of his subway car. He then smacks Patrick around a bit, easily cementing his place in the hearts of the audience. There's some phony suspense where Schiavelli pushes Patrick through the train door, with his head in the path of another oncoming subway train. But we already know he can pass through stuff, so what's the big deal?
Anyway, Schiavelli eventually tosses Patrick through the back door of the subway car, then somehow smashes the rear window. He yells, "Stay out! This is mine!"
"You think you and Demi are the perfect couple? You're a total joke compared to Latka and Simka!"
Despite this setback, Patrick is still right there when the Hood disembarks, and easily picks up the pursuit. Patrick follows him to his apartment. The Hood checks his Hood Mailbox, apparently looking for Hood Credit Offers, and it seems that his name is Willie Lopez. And that the guy who rented Apt. 4D before him was presumably named Willy Blumenkranz.
In these days of label maker ribbon shortages, we all have to make due.
Inside his apartment, Willie makes a phone call, never identifying the person on the other end by name, saying only, "I couldn't get it." Oh, spooky, I wonder what this could portend. Could it portend... murdow, ow, okay. I'll stop. Geez, quit it.
Willie looks through Patrick's wallet, taking swigs off a bottle of Brut. Patrick stands over him, giving him the look of death, and yelling at him to leave Demi alone. Bro, I didn't buy it in Road House, and that curiously blousy top you're sporting now isn't sustaining your Wrath of Vengeance image any better.
Patrick walks back out to the street, looking desperate for help. He spots a storefront fortune teller advertising spiritual advice in the window, and heads inside.
Scientology International Headquarters is much less impressive in person.
In the fortune teller's parlor, an anxious Hispanic woman of the Ay Dios Mio variety awaits her turn to be seen by the psychic. She's eventually admitted into the overdecorated room, and sits down opposite a closet door. Two assistants open it, revealing the closet is (supposedly) empty. They close the door, and when they reopen itohhh spooookyAcademy Award winner Whoopi Goldberg in her Academy Award winning performance is standing there.
Ten Forward tries to go for an ill-advised New Orleans bordello look.
Whoopi takes her place at the table across from the woman, wearing a flowing gold lamé caftan apparently purloined from Kirstie Alley. Whoopi intuits that the woman has come in search of someone. She claims to sense a presence in the room, and throws out a name thatha haturns out to be wrong. She pulls several different constipated faces, all the while tossing out Hispanic names left and right, until she just happens upon the correct name, purely by chance. All of this doesn't tip off the woman, of course, as she is a gullible Ay Dios Mio Hispanic of the hardiest type.
Patrick rolls his eyes and speaks up, which causes Whoopi to flip out. She asks who's there, and he suddenly realizes someone can hear him. Ecstatic at this development, he chases her around the table, chanting his name. (For reasons unexplained, she can only hear him, not see him.)
She runs to the closet, and her assistants begin to look a little concerned. She slips behind the false wall of the closet, and begs whoever it is to leave her alone. Patrick pops right up next to her and says, "No way!" She screams, bumps her head, and runs out, completely crashing through the closet door and ending up on the floor.