Well, it looks like I've finally sunk to a whole new level. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be recapping softcore porns for this website, and yet, here I am. Honestly, this really wasn't my idea. I'm way behind on my roundtable reviews, and I wanted to get caught up quickly, and I didn't feel like watching a whole bunch of movies to decide what do for this, the Caveman Roundtable. So, I left it up to a vote in the forums, and as you can probably guess, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island is the film that won. (And I have no doubt that it won purely by virtue of its titillating—and misleading—title.)

Okay, so I made a promise to review the top vote-getter, and that's what I'm doing. But I'll let it be known right now this is going to be a tough one for me. This is an industry I know virtually nothing about (and don't particularly care to know much about). This is an industry where films are made and forgotten six months later, where all the actors are pretty, vacant people who spend too much time at the gym and will most likely never make another film again (and if they do make another film again, it will be another softcore porn). These are films that—and I'm being generous here—will contain about fifteen minutes of plot, most of which has the distinct appearance of being made up on the spot.

Obviously, the market for these films is men, but softcore porn to men is like Fabio romance novels to women. You will never, ever meet anyone who admits to watching this stuff, but somehow, they keep making it.

It's not that I don't get the point of porn. (Au contraire!) I just don't get the point of watching simulated porn. Why not just buy videos where people are actually having sex? It's as if, somewhere in this world, there's a large group of people who are big fans of mild titillation. I've never met any of these people, and I'm not sure I care to.

This film was produced by the incredibly misnamed "Cult Video", which is just a subsidiary of Charles Band's Full Moon Pictures. So it's really just an offshoot of the crappy, non-pornographic stuff Full Moon usually puts out (Band was even an uncredited producer on this one).

The director is David DeCoteau, strangely directing here under the pseudonym of "Ellen Cabot". Originally, I assumed this was to separate garbage like this from the real, serious films on his resume, but it turns out this is the same man who under his real name directed Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and I Was a Teenage Sex Maniac AKA Dr. Alien, a film that just happens to have been edited by Agony Booth favorite Tony Malanowski. So when a guy like that uses a pseudonym, you know you're in for a world of hurting. (And going by his IMDb filmography, it appears DeCoteau started out in gay porn, and is now busy making gay-themed horror films [!]. Make of that what you will.)

As you may have guessed, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island is a sequel (not that it really matters) to 1993's Beach Babes from Beyond. That film was just as inconsequential, with a plot just as paper-thin, but you might have heard of it due to its memorable (but not in a good way) cast. The first Beach Babes movie featured cameos by the likes of Don Swayze, Jackie Stallone, and Joey Travolta, and yes, they're all related to exactly who you think they're related to. On top of that, one of the movie's "stars" was none other than Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother, who also appeared in crap-fests like Dark Universe). And as if all that weren't enough, that film contained a truly bizarre cameo from Burt Ward. Burt Ward! (I know what you're thinking, but none of these Z-list celebrities participated in any of the softcore scenes. And now thank the diety of your choice.)

Beach Babes from Beyond barely has a plot to speak of, but here it is in brief: Three "teenage" aliens named Xena, Sola, and Luna (ooh, spacey!) from the planet Vaskwez (that spelling is just a phonetic guess, by the way) take their parents' spaceship out for a spin. They crash land on earth, specifically on the beach in Malibu, and meet up with love interests played by the typically vapid and muscular pretty-boy actors who have long since fallen off the face of the earth.

From there, things take on the feel of a Saturday afternoon T-NBC series, except with softcore scenes thrown in. Through various means not worth getting into, the girls help an aging surf legend (Estevez) hang on to his beachfront property and reunite with the love of his life (Leanna Quigley), between, of course, having lots of meaningless fake sex.

The only cast member returning from the first film is Sarah Bellomo in the "lead role" (but it's so hard to tell) of Xena. Some might know Sarah Bellomo better as "Roxanne Blaze", the star of several dozen hardcore films with titles like Real Raunch 9: Bonesuckin' Sauce or Supershots 73: Rammin' & Crammin', and trust me, those are the innocent sounding titles in her filmography. I'm not sure if she was hoping the Beach Babes series would be her ticket to mainstream success, but considering these movies are pretty much all she's done besides hardcore porn, I figure she just wanted to say she had really done it all.

Unfortunately, there are no celebrities (or relatives of celebrities) to be found this time around. Just a bunch of random, awful, talentless actors with severe problems memorizing their lines. They're not really worth discussing much, and to be honest, neither is this movie when you think about, so let's get this over with as quickly as possible.

The movie starts with a reprise of the Beach Babes from Beyond theme, a sad, pathetic little Beach Boys-homage played on a cheap synthesizer, where you can sort of tell somebody's playing the main riff with just one finger. This tune is played so often during the film that I think you'd be missing out if I didn't include this sound clip. Let this load into your MP3 player, than select the "Loop" and "Repeat" options. Then listen to that for ninety minutes straight and you'll start to get an notion of what this movie's "score" is like. (Actually, the more I listen to it, the more I realize it's a direct swipe of the opening melody of the Four Seasons' "Walk Like a Man". Tell me I'm wrong.)

Anyway, the first scene picks up from where the last movie left off, with Xena, Luna, and Sola cruising through space, heading back to the planet Vaskwez in their plywood and plexiglass spaceship, which comes complete with a cockpit furnished with leather office chairs. For obvious reasons, Luna and Sola look a lot different from the last time we saw them.

At the helm is Xena, with Sola sitting next to her and Luna perched between them. Xena is worried about how she'll tell her "parental units" (Don Swayze and Jackie Stallone in the previous movie, who we won't be seeing here, and as embarrassing as this is to admit, I'm already pining for a Don Swayze appearance) that she "lost her virginity". Sola says she doesn't have to tell them anything, because Sola's parents still think of her as a "little angel", which leads to some catty remarks between Sola and Luna that seem to exist purely to remind us of their names.

As we get pointless insert shots of the spaceship's viewscreen, Xena says she enjoyed Earth sex, even though it will "never be as fantastic as Vaskwezzian mind pleasure games!" The graphics on the "spaceship viewscreen", by the way, are really cheap computer animation. I strongly suspect an Amiga was involved.

Anyway, enough rumination on Earth pleasures. Luna says they have to get home fast, so she tells Xena to "step on it". After pushing a few buttons, Xena sneezes, causing the spaceship to spiral out of control and crash back down to earth. Yes, she sneezes, which causes the spaceship to crash land. The crash itself is then expertly dramatized through the following images:

• A shot of the spaceship model getting kind of wobbly against the cheap star background

• A zoom-in on a photograph of the earth

• An insert shot of the girls screaming and covering their faces (Hmm, this must be the famous Vaskwezzian Crash Position)

• On the viewscreen, random (and cheap) computer animation spins, and behind it is spinning footage of unidentified hilly terrain

• And finally, an unabashed re-use of the spaceship crash from the first film, wherein the craft creates a bright arc in the night sky above a beach.

The title of the movie appears, set to a nondescript pop song. Suddenly, it's the next day as a stock footage bird flies across the waves. The girls' spaceship has been towed all the way down to—Er, I mean, it's crashed on the beach. Luna and Sola hop out onto the sand. They seem to be okay, except for the fact that Sola's back hurts. Gee, you don't think some muscle-bound dude will be along shortly to give her a massage, do you?

Anyway, the girls notice that Xena has gone missing, and worse yet, she somehow lost her clothes, because her dress is just lying on the beach. Luna picks up the napkin-sized piece of silver fabric and says, "Isn't that like Xena? Always showing up somewhere new and underdressed!" Oh my lord. I'm sure the actress totally screwed up the line, but the worst part is I have no idea what the line was supposed to be in the first place. And this certainly won't be the last time someone blatantly flubs a line on camera. Not by a long shot. Anyway, the two of them, conveniently clutching blankets, suntan lotion, and a radio boombox [?] run off looking for Xena. (I'm guessing these are left over from the previous film, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna watch any of that POS again.)