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Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Sybil Pandemic
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
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the agony booth
Batman Forever (1995) Movie Recap Page 3 of 14
Posted by Dan Laurikietis Posted on: November 17, 2008
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Out on the street, the Morons of Gotham are still standing around and pointing. Among them is Commissioner Gordon, once again played by Pat Hingle.

Hingle, along with Michael Gough, are the only remaining cast members from the previous Bat-films. And it's quite sad to see Gordon's downward spiral across the franchise, from a grizzled good cop in a bad precinct to a babbling, incompetent moron. It's a waste of a classic character, not to mention a decent actor.

Gordon is talking to a tall, stunning blonde. This is Dr. Chase Meridian, a criminal psychologist who's been brought to Gotham as a consultant. Yes. You read that right.

Nicole Kidman has been selected, from presumably hundreds of candidates, to provide insights into Two Face's complex psychology. Don't get me wrong, I like Nicole Kidman, but even the most fervent Kidman admirer must admit that she's about as convincing as a criminal psychologist as John Goodman is as Miss Black America.

The article continues after this advertisement...

Kilmer's Batman (or a CGI rendition of same) swoops down impressively, hanging on a Batrope that appears to be suspended on nothing whatsoever. Dr. Chase's response?

Chase: Hot entrance!

Oh, yes, we're dealing with the very model of professionalism here, people.

Sensibly ignoring her, Batman turns to Commissioner Gordon and asks if this hostage situation is the work of Two Face. Gordon explains that Mr. Face has killed two guards, and is holding a third hostage. He also lamely confesses that the Gotham City Police Department didn't see this one coming. Dr. Chase says that they should have: this is the Second Bank of Gotham, and today is the second anniversary of the day Batman captured him.

Actually, yes, if I were going to place a bet on when and where a villain fixated with the number two (grow up!) would strike, it might will be then and there. Too bad I'm not the Commissioner of the Gotham City PD. In fact, this leads me to a tangent, so please indulge me.

In the '70s and '80s, when comic books and their readers "grew up", readers began to question why Gotham's police force were so damn ineffectual in dealing with the master criminals who murder people, and blow up buildings, and shrink things with ray guns on a monthly basis.

Some writers, most notably Frank Miller, asserted that the GCPD was a corrupt institution, with only a few honest, decent cops swimming against the tide to keep order in the city. This was incorporated into the original Batman movie, as well as Batman Returns, and later into Batman Begins. In the Schumacher-verse, however, it's entirely possible that Commissioner Gordon and his whole staff are shit-thick, incompetent, useless pencil-pushers who couldn't find their dicks with two hands and a map.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Let's press on.

Gordon introduces Batman to Dr. Chase Meridian, and it turns out Batman is already familiar with her work, because he cites it as naïve, but insightful. Some dreadful banter ensues between Batman and Chase that's too insipid to recount. The highlight, however, is when she calls Batman's own sanity into question by referring to him as "a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent."

BatVal gets a bit irritated by this. He responds by doing his very best scary eyes, and invading Chase's personal space, and offering the following reply.

Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian!

Chase says she didn't know that. Honestly? Where did she get her PhD? I'm no zoologist, but even I could have told you that. Then Chase delivers the verbal coup de grace, and the most ridiculous line in the whole film.

Chase: By the way, do you have a first name, or do I just call you "Bats"?

What? Exactly what kind of response was she expecting there? "Oh, yeah, sure. I'm Melvyn. Melvyn Batman."

Understandably, Batman slinks off unnoticed, leaving her conversing with thin air. Don't worry, though. Her unique brand of ill-informed psychobabble will return to baffle us again soon enough.

Caption contributed by Dan
Once again, a man sneaks off as soon as Nicole Kidman's back is turned, to have a frenzied encounter with a group of men in masks and leather.

Mercifully, we're back within the (comparatively neon free) confines of the bank. Two Face stands in front of a window, looking very pleased with himself. He announces, "Let's start this party with a bang!"

Just then, a giant wrecking ball smashes through the window.

Now, hang on a second! Where did that come from? I didn't see any industrial demolition equipment in that exterior shot, did you? Surely, if Gordon and his team of strategically shaved primates had seen a large crane or something outside, knocking holes into a bank, they'd do something about it, right? Or were they just staring in wonderment at two cockroaches mating on the sidewalk, or gathered around a dictionary looking up swear words?

There's barely a second to ponder the conundrum of the phantom wrecking ball, when Two Face notices an elevator car rising up to his level. He assumes it must be Batman, and with a melodramatic flourish of his arm, he summons his goons.

Ah yes. Two Face's goons. They're uniformly tall, muscular men with uniformly bronzed, newly oiled, rippling torsos. They're wearing leather parkas and fetishistic gimp masks. They all have multiple piercings, and their Tommy guns all bear an adorable yin yang motif in red neon. Where Two Face does his henchman recruitment, I'll never know, but presumably the place has a name like the "Tool Box", and is full of burly men in hot pants grinding away to "Oops, I Did It Again".

Two Face's "boys" line up opposite the elevator, and point their weapons (no comment!) at the doors. At their master's command, they blow the holy heck out of the doors. And I'm sorry, but if Batman's stupid enough to close in on the bad guys by riding up in the elevator, he deserves a damn good perforating.

Caption contributed by Dan
"Don't take another step, Batman. We're armed and extremely fabulous!"

The doors slide open, and the (presumably bulletproof) Caped Crusader bursts out of the car. He knocks down several of Two Face's goons, who seem to have forgotten that they're carrying automatic weapons. And despite being in a position to shoot his rubber-clad adversary at close range, Two Face instead comically runs off down the hall. Of course, he's leading Batman into a trap, but still.

Meanwhile, Batman has a token martial arts brawl with Two Face's manly, manly thugs. The highlight of this sequence is when Batman shoots a goon with some sort of tazer gun. Rather than immobilizing the goon, this special magic tazer makes him twitch spastically and say the following sentence repeatedly.

Goon: Wibble wibble, ragh ragh, wibble wibble ragh, wibble ragh ragh, wibble wibble ragh.

Another goon rushes at Batman with a pair of nasty forearm-mounted knives, so Batman takes a page from the Man-At-Arms Encyclopedia of Combat, and performs a crafty sidestep at the last minute. He then shoves the goon, who's completely disoriented by this Montgomerian tactic, into his babbling friend.

The magical electrical charge then envelops the other goon, and they both lie twitching on the floor together in a highly questionable manner. Batman then reaches the (still inexplicably red and glowing) bank vault, with Joe Hostage still inside. Hey, Joe Hostage! Did you miss him? Me neither.

Joe looks to be having a whale of a time, all bound and gagged with electrical tape. Before anyone can tell BatVal that the guy's not worth saving, he leaps selflessly into the vault and tears off the tape, just in time for Joe Hostage to yell that it's a trap. Sure enough, the vault door slams shut.

Cut to outside, where the whole vault is being lifted out of the building by the Strongest Length of Chain in the Universe. As the vault is hauled clean out of the bank, Batman and Joe Hostage tumble around inside.

There are reaction shots from a few Gothamites. You'd be forgiven for thinking that they're standing around gawping like morons, but they're not. They are, in fact, gawping like fucking morons. It's a small but important distinction.

The bank vault, which I'm guessing weighs a fair bit, is now being carried across the sky by a helicopter. A helicopter! With no adverse effects on the machine's aerodynamics whatsoever!

All the while, Two Face is speaking through an extremely powerful public address system, detailing his plans for this little heist/Bat-murder caper, over.

And now the flimsy veil of subtlety that graced Tommy Lee Jones' early moments of playing Two Face has been ripped clean off. For the rest of the film, he's going to be little more than a cackling imitation of Jack Nicholson's Joker. However, he's about to be outdone back in the vault.

A few of the safety deposit boxes pop open, and a jet of clear liquid spurts out (grow up!). BatVal looks a bit confused about this development, so he's quickly enlightened by this absolute gem of a line.

Joe Hostage: Oooh nooo. It's boiling aaaaaacid!

This line is so awful, it has to be heard to be believed.

In fact, now that I think about it, can you boil acid? If so, what's the point? It's not like it would make it any more corrosive.

Outside, Two Face informs Batman that he's rigged the vault with the same acid that made Two Face the villain he is today. One wonders how he was able to do this. Maybe Two Face opened an account with the bank beforehand, and had the acid deposited there. If that's the case, I hope the acid wasn't so corrosive that it leaked through the box and onto Jason Bourne's passports.

The helicopter is still happily towing the bank vault, and inside, Batman's trying to haul Joe Hostage's fat ass to safety. Joe's glasses fall into the acid, making a sound that's a bit like Darth Vader's lightsaber igniting. Seriously! That's the only positive thing I can say about this whole sequence.

Thinking quickly, Batman yanks out Joe's hearing aid (with a comical pop), and proceeds to use it to crack the lock on the safe. Meanwhile, Joe continues to whine about the fact that his shoes are melting. As if Batman's greatest concern at the moment is with a security guard's shoes.

Somehow, Batman manages to crack the safe. With a hearing aid. Well, that's it. There's no way I'm putting my money in the Second Bank of Gotham!

Caption contributed by Dan
"And I'm not leaving this sensory deprivation tank until 2005!"

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