The Blockbuster Chick
Hosted by: Suzie McGinney
Deep in the heart of a quiet town in Scotland, the Blockbuster Chick dwells. Her purpose? To tackle the big name box office hits that should've never been green-lit in the first place—The movies that get a huge build-up, only to fall flat on opening weekend. Come watch as an adventurous Scottish lassie reviews them all (give or take a few)!
Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
The Bunny Perspective!
Hosted by: Phil Buni
Media reviews and analysis by a pot smoking, puppet bunny. Do you like weird-but-great underground films? Hate Glee, Gigli, and other Hollywood garbage? The Bunny Perspective offers a blend of humorously angry negative reviews, and honest praise of underground movies and TV. We talk about films, TV, anime, and animation. We are the Cult of the Bunny, and you too can be a Cultist. #CultoftheBunny
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Cheap-Arse Film Review
Hosted by: Liam Barrett
It's the Cheap-Arse Film Review, where a young(ish) man finds out if it's possible to live the life of a cinephile super-nerd on the strictest budget possible. Inspired by growing up in the wilds of Essex, England (that's only partially a joke, by the way) and the current harsh economic times, Liam only reviews DVD that can be purchased for £1.00p or less!
The Cinema Slob
Hosted by: Cinema Slob
The Cinema Slob is here to defend the movies that everyone else seems to hate, for some reason. His reviews of underappreciated and misunderstood classics of modern cinema will surely entertain and maybe even change a few minds.
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The DVD Shelf
Hosted by: David Rose
Life is short, so skip the bad movies and let your host David Rose reveal, review, and recommend the ones you should have on your own DVD shelf. The DVD Shelf is a film-lover's safe haven to bask in the warm glow of cult favorites, over-looked cinematic gems, rediscovered classics, and downright fun flicks on both DVD and Blu-ray.
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Solkir
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
Joshua the Anarchist
Hosted by: Joshua Bell
Charged with the crime of liking Batman & Robin, Joshua the Anarchist has been declared insane and committed to Arkham Asylum. Locked away in a padded cell, he'll endure movie after movie as doctors attempt to "treat" him. He may not have gone in a madman, but he soon will be.
Minority Report Reviews
Hosted by: Tom Marriott
Minority Report Reviews is where often slated or just plain forgotten films and TV shows come for an ego boost. Focusing primarily on unloved sequels, your host Tom Marriott takes questions from the general public to showcase the positives in these films. Love it or hate it, this is the show where you can have your say and see a guilty pleasure defended by the host with the most... strange tastes.
Movie Dorkness
Hosted by: Sofie Liv
It's the show formerly known as Red Suitcase Adventues! Join Sofie Liv, a nice Dane (who may not be as negative as everyone else!) as she dissects pop culture phenomena to explore both the good and bad in popular films.
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Mystery Madness
Hosted by: Full of Questions
Mysteries are awesome! And who's better suited to examine the wonderful, the terrible, and the adequate of the movie mystery genre than a teenager with nerdy glasses and substandard editing software? ...Many people, probably, but enjoy the show anyway!
The Oldschoo' Review
Hosted by: Johnny Oldschool
Johnny eats disgusting food, he reviews bad movies, and he's usually drunk. Bacon lovers everywhere agree that The Old Schoo' Review is the worst thing to happen to the internet since flash-based websites.
PGSM Summaries
Hosted by: Nycea
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (PGSM for short) is a hilarious live-action retelling of the Sailor Moon story. On this show, your host Nycea summarizes and riffs on this gloriously bad series—one episode at a time.
The Porn Critic
Hosted by: Porn Critic
Comedy reviews of the worst and most bizarre adult films available, by a character called the Porn Critic, who tends to focus on the acting bits rather than the actual sex! Who knew continuity errors and bad dialogue could lead to chronic flaccidity?
Reel vs. Reel
Hosted by: Animated Heroine
Animation isn't just for kids; it's also for adults who never learned how to grow up. In Reel vs. Reel, the Animated Heroine looks at two similar animated films to see which one comes out on top and why. Her love for good animated films is only matched by her cynicism towards the bad ones.
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
the agony booth
Armageddon (1998) Movie Recap Page 9 of 13
Posted by Team Agony Booth Posted on: November 25, 2003
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Next, the shuttles suddenly reveal the amazing ability to maneuver like F-14 Tomcats, something I was completely unaware that they could do. I guess I must have missed that cut of Top Gun.

Anyhow, they finally encounter the debris, which surprises Sharp. Oooookay, then. Is it just me, or are the characters in this film all dumb to the point where they shouldn't be able to tie their own shoes without breaking every bone in their bodies? You mean to tell me that a trained astronaut (not to mention the one who happens to be the pilot) wouldn't expect a little debris when going around an asteroid the size of Texas?

By the way, what happens in the next few minutes is edited so haphazardly, I might overlook a lot of stuff. Count this as a blessing. Also, all the dialogue over the next few minutes is really redundant and obvious, and made up of nothing more than shouted warnings to hang on and so forth. I should also note that the composer apparently put a few notes of music on a continuous loop and left it on for the duration of this sequence. I can't blame him, he probably had somewhere else to be.

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On the Freedom, Watts dumps the auxiliary boosters, which smash into a large bit of debris. This really accomplishes nothing other than giving us another explosion. At NASA, we get shots of Truman and Grace looking concerned and worried, something that will be repeated endlessly at different angles for the next couple of minutes. Well, Grace looks concerned, but Truman looks like he accidentally had the fish in the commissary and it's just now beginning to take its effect.

On the Independence, things are quickly going downhill, as we learn they apparently could only get one good pilot for this mission and he's on the Freedom. The Independence hits some debris and begins to lose control, which is followed by a shot of Truman's coffee cup smashing on the floor in slow-motion, after which he sags down in his chair. Very dramatic. And moving. It's dra-moving.

In the Independence, the pilot tells the others to put on their helmets and get to the cargo hold, and as he says this, they pass right over the Freedom. We get more shots of Grace and Truman, as well as shots of Oscar struggling with something, possibly his seatbelt. Care to place bets on his chances here, folks? I've got twenty riding on him meeting God in person within the next five minutes.

There's tons of Shaky-Cam stuff as the pilot repeats the line "We are going down!" like a drunken sailor on his first trip to a Bangkok whorehouse. The windows up front are suddenly pelted like Atlantis in the beginning of the film, but rather than exploding in a fireball, virtually everyone is sucked out of the shuttle except for our amateur astronauts, who have conveniently managed to take refuge in the cargo hold.

Then there's miscellaneous shots of death and destruction as Truman and Grace react down at NASA. Geez, you know a film is edited with a chainsaw when I can recap five minutes in one sentence.

On the Freedom, there's shocked faces as the Independence flies over them again, and to tell you the truth, it's probably the same frigging shot as before. Colonel Sharp proves to be less than his last name would imply when he says, "What the hell is that? Is that the Independence?"

No, Willie. It's another totally different space shuttle that just happens to be breaking apart on a mission to blow up an asteroid. God, I wouldn't let this waste of DNA pilot a paper airplane!

Back at NASA, communications are lost with the Freedom, although with all this stuff going on, it's a wonder they lasted as long as they did. The remaining space shuttle hits debris and we get more panic and terror, mostly from me as I seem to be stuck in a Groundhog Day-type scenario where I'm doomed to watch the same shots over and over again.

Freedom is able to extend its landing gear and land relatively smoothly, but it takes out a field of icicles. Well, at least the filmmakers knew that in space, it's really frickin' cold. At least they got that part straight in their minds. Of course, if these icicles can break off so easily, you have to wonder why they didn't all break off when the asteroid was struck by that rogue comet in the first place.


You know you're in trouble when the movie you're watching reuses props from Batman & Robin.

 

Moving on, we get several shots inside Freedom of everybody calming down. Actually, we get a few shots of Max and Rockhound in which we can see right up their noses, and I get a good look at just how badly Steve Buscemi needs to get to a dentist.

Geez, I know everybody's been harping on this throughout the recap, but man, I've seen schizophrenic homeless people with better teeth than this guy. Much as I like Steve Buscemi as an actor, I'm really glad I never saw this in the theater, because the huge shots of his teeth and directly up his nose would have sent me screaming from the theater.

Anyhow, Rockhound is concerned about the Independence, although given that it appeared to be crashing the last time he saw it, you'd think its fate would be pretty obvious. An astronaut points this out as well, leading to pointless bickering which really strains my credulity and patience. Am I the only one who doubts that two people would go all "dysfunctional family Christmas" on each other in this kind of situation?

NASA tries to hail Freedom while they do a systems check. I won't get into the technical stuff, but just visualize the term FUBAR and email me with your thoughts. There's also shots of Max beginning to panic because, hey, he's a fat sweaty guy. Meanwhile, Harry yells that they need to buck up and get moving, seeing as how they have only eight hours left.

Back at NASA, Truman looks over at Grace and says that maybe she shouldn't be here. Whoa, Dan, let's not get hasty. I mean, come on, all she's experienced is possibly hearing the deaths of her dad and fiancée, not to mention learning that a big rock is going to hit the planet and turn everyone else she loves into crispy critters. Personally, I think she just needs to buck up.

Grace responds with the line "I don't have anywhere else to go", using the most drawn out Texas accent I have ever heard in my life. Seriously, this makes Lev's Russian accent sound like subtle, low-key accuracy.


"Why do I have to be Mr. Gingivitis?"

 

Back on the Freedom, the real astronauts are assessing the damage, and amazingly enough, Rockhound knows exactly what's happened. He spews some technobabble that, when translated, basically means the pilot landed them 26 miles off course, and now they're on a big plate of iron.

If Harry were the one to figure this out, I could probably buy it, seeing as he's in charge and would need to have a pretty broad range of knowledge given all the places he's drilled. But the OCR, who so far has only demonstrated a slimy pervert exterior on top of a smart-aleck attitude? Is the one who turns out to be a genius? Right. And I'm actually a little girl in the Austrian Alps. (I actually do know how you solve a problem like Maria.)

We get more angst down at NASA, where things are quickly turning into one of those annoying touchy-feely Lifetime Network movies that women are supposed to like when in actuality most women would rather let steamrollers crush them while they held their kids. We also get a shot of Grace weeping. Thanks, film, I almost forgot Liv Tyler was in the movie. I'll give you a buffalo nickel of my own if you stop constantly cutting back to NASA. Any more angst and this movie will be a twelve-step program.

We get two long, loving pans across the wreckage of the Independence before a glove rises up and pushes aside some debris to reveal that, to our horror, AJ has survived. He's Satan reborn if he could survive that. I knew it all along.


If Vin Diesel pops up with his night vision contacts, I'm out of here.

 

We're then treated to a truly horrifying sight, Ben Affleck trying to act. The occasion is that he finds Oscar's dead body and I get my twenty bucks. There's number one for the Death Pool, and don't try and tell me he died after the guys who were sucked out of the shuttle. One big movie rule is that name actors in worthless parts like this are always the first to get fragged.

Affleck's performance is truly appalling here, as he conveys emotion about as well as the average man gives birth. Granted, it's not quite as terrible as Governor Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin, but garnering massive head wounds while being eaten alive by your Doberman Pinscher isn't quite as terrible as anything in Batman & Robin.

AJ does some more overacting and it turns out that not only did Lev survive, but Bear did too, despite being right in the front area of shuttle when things went haywire.


"No, really, this movie is as painful as passing a kidney stone! Watch, I'll prove it!"

 

Back at the Freedom, they're still trying to make contact with Houston. A ramp lowers down from the bottom of the shuttle, and the drillers step out onto the asteroid with Max driving the Armadillo behind them. Rockhound then gets the gold medal for bizarre one-liners with this beauty.

Rockhound: This place is like Dr. Seuss's worst nightmare!

Hmm, I must have missed that book. Was that before Green Eggs and Ham or after? [Actually, something tells me Mike Myers in The Cat in the Hat is "Dr. Suess's worst nightmare". —Albert]

They make their way to a valley and Harry tells Rockhound to get some readings. He pulls out a B-grade tricorder and confirms that they are, in fact, on a huge hunk of iron. This scene eventually ends up being the first time Bruce Willis is allowed to actually do something. The fact that it takes the film more than half its running time to give Willis something to do is a testament to how bloated this pile of crap is.

Sadly, all he's required to do is act macho and heroic. It makes one wonder why they splurged and got Bruce Willis, when any guy with the ability to speak single syllable words could have pulled it off just as well. (Right now, Steven Seagal is sitting in a dark room and quietly sobbing.) The following dialogue ensues.

Rockhound: God, I hate knowing everything. We couldn't have picked a worse place to drill!
Harry: Well, I can pretty much guarantee that it's not gonna be much thicker than fifty feet!
Rockhound: How do you figure that?
Harry: Cause if it is, we're screwed.

Well, that puts my mind at ease. Thank you, guys.

There's dramatic music as the Armadillo is locked into place. Harry checks on Max, who replies that he's "just making a hole." Wow, what a coincidence! Right now, I'd like to make a new hole in the guy who greenlit this stinking film!

A quick cut inside the Armadillo reveals that the gearshift is topped with a skull with flashing red eyes, something you'd think Max wouldn't want to see just now. Long story short, they get about ten feet down before the drill head breaks. After some complaining, Harry calls for them to unpack The Judge. Actually Harry, I've already judged you guys, and you're getting the chair!

Back on the Independence, AJ is in the cargo hold with the second Armadillo. For reasons never made clear, the filmmakers decide that Lev needs to be surprised here when AJ reveals that he and Bear aren't astronauts. Wouldn't NASA have told Lev about the asteroid? If not, then how about somebody on the Independence? Whatever. AJ orders the other two into the Armadillo because he "has an idea". And that's really not the sort of thing you want to hear from a pinhead like him.

Back at Angst Central, contact is made briefly with Freedom. Relief flows through the room and triumphant music comes up. Hey, Trevor Rabin? Yeah, Mr. Composer? Can you take it down a notch or two? We've still got about an hour of this crap to go, and I'd prefer you not get my hopes up like this. You and everybody else involved with this thing are already on my list.

Back on Rastaroid, there's a brief bit where AJ uses the Armadillo's machine guns [?!] to punch a hole in the cargo hold of the shuttle. Okay, why in the world was the Armadillo outfitted with heavy duty combat machine guns? Were they planning on having to forcefully take the asteroid from hostile alien forces? Anyway, the Armadillo bursts through the shuttle wall like Kool-Aid Man. I don't know what the point of all that was, but it sure was "cool".


A machine gun mounted to a mobile drilling unit... in space!? Did I rent Total Recall by accident?

 

Over at the Freedom, drilling resumes with The Judge, which turns out to be just a really big drill head. Wow! For some reason, this gives Max extra confidence, and he's suddenly gung-ho about the job. He shouts, "Let's drill through this turd!" You know, I wish I could have come up with better words to describe exactly what the seven of us are trying to do here in this recap. Hats off to you, Max.

Unfortunately, Max puts too much into it and the drill stalls, blowing Chick backwards. Incredibly, Chick's suit isn't damaged and his eyeballs don't explode. Rockhound asks if he's alright, to which Chick replies twice, "Blew the tranny!" Hey now, Rockhound might be a horny idiot, but I don't think he swings that way, Chick.

There's a close-up of Harry. "Come on, God. Just a little help. That's all I'm asking." Max replies, "We're close enough, he might've heard ya'!"

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