Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
The Bunny Perspective!
Hosted by: Phil Buni
Media reviews and analysis by a pot smoking, puppet bunny. Do you like weird-but-great underground films? Hate Glee, Gigli, and other Hollywood garbage? The Bunny Perspective offers a blend of humorously angry negative reviews, and honest praise of underground movies and TV. We talk about films, TV, anime, and animation. We are the Cult of the Bunny, and you too can be a Cultist. #CultoftheBunny
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Cheap-Arse Film Review
Hosted by: Liam Barrett
It's the Cheap-Arse Film Review, where a young(ish) man finds out if it's possible to live the life of a cinephile super-nerd on the strictest budget possible. Inspired by growing up in the wilds of Essex, England (that's only partially a joke, by the way) and the current harsh economic times, Liam only reviews DVD that can be purchased for £1.00p or less!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The DVD Shelf
Hosted by: David Rose
Life is short, so skip the bad movies and let your host David Rose reveal, review, and recommend the ones you should have on your own DVD shelf. The DVD Shelf is a film-lover's safe haven to bask in the warm glow of cult favorites, over-looked cinematic gems, rediscovered classics, and downright fun flicks on both DVD and Blu-ray.
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Solkir
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
Joshua the Anarchist
Hosted by: Joshua Bell
Charged with the crime of liking Batman & Robin, Joshua the Anarchist has been declared insane and committed to Arkham Asylum. Locked away in a padded cell, he'll endure movie after movie as doctors attempt to "treat" him. He may not have gone in a madman, but he soon will be.
Minority Report Reviews
Hosted by: Tom Marriott
Minority Report Reviews is where often slated or just plain forgotten films and TV shows come for an ego boost. Focusing primarily on unloved sequels, your host Tom Marriott takes questions from the general public to showcase the positives in these films. Love it or hate it, this is the show where you can have your say and see a guilty pleasure defended by the host with the most... strange tastes.
Movie Dorkness
Hosted by: Sofie Liv
It's the show formerly known as Red Suitcase Adventues! Join Sofie Liv, a nice Dane (who may not be as negative as everyone else!) as she dissects pop culture phenomena to explore both the good and bad in popular films.
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Mystery Madness
Hosted by: Full of Questions
Mysteries are awesome! And who's better suited to examine the wonderful, the terrible, and the adequate of the movie mystery genre than a teenager with nerdy glasses and substandard editing software? ...Many people, probably, but enjoy the show anyway!
PGSM Summaries
Hosted by: Nycea
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (PGSM for short) is a hilarious live-action retelling of the Sailor Moon story. On this show, your host Nycea summarizes and riffs on this gloriously bad series—one episode at a time.
The Porn Critic
Hosted by: Porn Critic
Comedy reviews of the worst and most bizarre adult films available, by a character called the Porn Critic, who tends to focus on the acting bits rather than the actual sex! Who knew continuity errors and bad dialogue could lead to chronic flaccidity?
Reel vs. Reel
Hosted by: Animated Heroine
Animation isn't just for kids; it's also for adults who never learned how to grow up. In Reel vs. Reel, the Animated Heroine looks at two similar animated films to see which one comes out on top and why. Her love for good animated films is only matched by her cynicism towards the bad ones.
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
the agony booth
Armageddon (1998) Movie Recap Page 10 of 13
Posted by Team Agony Booth Posted on: November 25, 2003
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

The drillers wonder what to do next. Meanwhile, I wonder why NASA couldn't have studied the many considerably large asteroid fragments in order to learn Rastaroid's hardness, and develop a drill bit that was capable of drilling through it. But I guess that's just my East Coast intelligentsia bias speaking. After all, NASA was more preoccupied with selecting the people least capable to do the job than worrying about that kind of trivial stuff.

Rastaroid continues to hurtle toward Earth, while back at Houston, a group of techies have wandered onto the CSI set. They're lit green against the dim blue room as they explain the latest plot contrivance. It seems the moon's gravitational pull has sent the asteroid into a full spin and soon communications will be lost.

Scary General cuts to the chase. "If we lose the shuttle com, when do we lose the ability to remote detonate that nuke?" A woman who looks and sounds like a blonde Demi Moore explains that after the seven minute window closes, a higher orbiting satellite will give them an additional five minutes. Dr. Quincy says this means they've got twelve minutes to decide. Thanks, Skipper. I mean, I shudder to think of how many brain cells this film has killed, but I still think I could have done that bit of arithmetic myself.

The article continues after this advertisement...

Back on Rastaroid, AJ drives the Armadillo towards Harry's signal. An incredulous Lev asks AJ if he realizes they're stuck on an asteroid, and wants to know if he has the slightest clue what he's doing. AJ angrily replies, "I have no idea what I'm doing! No idea! This button? I have no idea what this button does!" Perhaps that's why you should have familiarized yourself with the equipment instead of tearing it to pieces the first time you laid eyes on it.

Meanwhile, Harry and Chick return to the shuttle and Col. Sharp asks how far they've gotten. Harry ducks the question and asks him to help with the transmission, but Sharp has to give a status report, so he presses the question. Harry snaps that they're "not as deep as we'll be when you stop asking these questions and help us load this transmission!" Yeah, who needs status reports or protocols when you can just rush right into another bullheaded display of brawn?

Sharp loses his patience and announces they've had two hours and need to be at 200 feet. Harry reluctantly admits they're only at fifty-seven. Sharp looks horrified and rushes to the com room, with Harry close behind.

At the controls, Watts, or as I'll be calling her, Astronaut Useless gets a shaky connection with Houston. Sharp pulls out a random card that says "Drill Time" as he explains that at the current rate, they have over ten hours to go, which puts them four hours past the "zero time".

Harry grabs the com and yells, "This is what happens when you drill!" No Harry, this is what happens when you suck and fail. "We cannot use your Air Force personnel-only drill time card! Who wrote this thing, anyway?" Probably someone with a great deal more knowledge and understanding of the situation than you, Harry. A certain someone who is probably rocking in a corner and weeping to himself as all his hard work goes completely to waste.


From the makers of Hammer Time!

 

Astronaut Useless warns that communications are breaking up, and the gang in Houston watch dutifully as our saviors have a petty squabble on the screens. At this point, my temper is such that I would gladly go see the next ten Michael Bay movies if this one ended with the cast strapped to the asteroid and sent screaming into the sun.

Harry insists there's still time, while Sharp points out they've had their chance and they blew it. And if the movie expects me to go "boo hiss" at Sharp raining on Harry's parade, they can just forget it. Harry offers the lame comeback of "Go write a report, why don'tcha?" as he stomps off to the controls. He's dead-set that his men will dig this hole, and Sharp strikes one for the audience when he proclaims, "You and your men are the biggest mistake in the history of NASA!" And considering all the mistakes in NASA's history, that's still putting it mildly.

Meanwhile, the President has been informed of the situation. He places a call to Scary General and tells him it's time for "Secondary Protocol". This basically means that, at Houston, the elevator doors open dramatically and a flank of Air Force soldiers march out. It would have been hilarious if right before they appeared, we had been shown them patiently waiting for Secondary Protocol while idly playing Gameboys and flipping through InStyle.

The soldiers' jackboots echo ominously through the hall. I think that's too subtle, Mr. Bay. Couldn't you have filched the Imperial March from Star Wars for the full effect?

Grace continues the proud action movie tradition where anything without a Y-chromosome cracks under pressure, as she hysterically tries to stop them from setting off the nuke. This prompts Truman to let loose with the one allowed utterance of the F-word in a PG-13 movie before he angrily storms off.

Then a proud Michael Bay tradition continues with various hands typing in codes on several metallic suitcases, numerous characters shouting for them to stop, and all of it not making a bit of sense.

On the asteroid, Sharp punches a code on a locker, then pulls out a handgun and an envelope marked "SECONDARY PROTOCOL EYES ONLY". Astronaut Useless looks at him wide-eyed. Sharp tells her to start evacuation procedures.

Chick and Harry are standing near the nuke's control panel when it suddenly lights up. Chick nervously asks why the nine-foot nuclear weapon just turned on, and all Harry can do is stand there dumbstruck and whisper, "My God."


Hey, who knew Texas Instruments made nuclear warheads? Not me!

 

You know, I've figured it out. Willis' performance in this movie consists of 50% shouting about how his men will complete this mission, and 50% standing rooted to the spot whispering, "My God".

Latest Comments

Popular Right Now

 
 
Posted Oct 24, 2014 by Full of Questions
 
 
Posted Oct 29, 2014 by Solkir
 
Posted Oct 23, 2014 by Joshua Bell
 
Posted Oct 17, 2014 by Dr. Winston O'Boogie
 
Posted Oct 22, 2014 by Chelsey McQuitty
 
 
 
Posted Oct 17, 2014 by Michael A. Novelli
 
 
Posted Oct 23, 2014 by Sursum Ursa
 
 
Posted Oct 22, 2014 by Cecil Trachenburg
 
Posted Oct 17, 2014 by Fear Fan
 
Posted Oct 13, 2014 by Cecil Trachenburg
Sitemap
About the Site:
Archives:
Other Content:
Series Pages:
Feeds (RSS):
Video Shows:
Support the Site:
On Other Sites:
Top #tags:
Our Partners:

All articles posted to the agony booth are the sole property of the author(s). Please do not copy/reproduce entire articles without permission. Screencaps from movies and TV shows are used for non-profit, fair use purposes of parody and commentary. Star Trek and all related images and trademarks are the property of CBS Studios, Inc.

Reviewer icon artwork provided by Tai Porto, Aaron “McKnackus” Rivera, and Magdalen O’Reilly.