Finally, we return to some aspect of the hole-riddled plot. Behind the brick wall, the team finds a laboratory. The exam tables have drawings of spines and symbionts on them. Burke points out the name tags on the tables, and one of the name tags is "E. CARNBY". Carnby has split-second flashbacks to the kids in the orphanage, and sitting between the two electrical coils that night.
He immediately declares that it was Bureau 713 that implanted symbionts in all the orphans. How does he know that? It's very simple, you see. The name tags are the same shape as the Bureau 713 logo. Yeah, just let that sink in for a minute.
Okay, first of all, why have name tags in the first place? Were these one-use-only exam tables? Second of all, why would you put your symbol on the beds in the first place, unless your name is Bruce Wayne?
Burke says, "Doesn't make any sense." That makes three times I've agreed with this movie.
I mean, as we've seen, it takes about ten seconds to give a symbiont a cozy new home. All you have to do is drop the thing down somebody's throat, actually. So why in the world would they build a laboratory, install twenty beds, and put name tags on each bed, for a procedure that takes ten seconds?
Anyway, when the lab was abandoned, someone left papers on a table, which Burke now leafs through. I'm guessing he's found proof that Bureau 713 is behind all this, because he's furious that "they've been trying to stop something [pause to throw papers away] they created the whole time!" Bad line, bad delivery. Suddenly, he sounds like he's from Boston. "My guys are dyin' out dere for nuttin'!" He flips the table over and yells, "Fuckin' nuttin'!"
The last Blackshirt says, "Sir?" He then flips a lever, which opens a high-tech security gate. How did he know the lever would do that? Tara goes toward it and helpfully says, "You guys, come here!" You know, just in case Carnby and Burke missed it. Girl, please put on your glasses.
Behind the door is another door, with a stone lock covered in ancient symbols. So, I'm guessing this door was created by the Abkani, but I highly doubt they could make doors out of polished mirrors 10,000 years ago.
Carnby puts the artifact in the lock, and of course, it fits perfectly. Tara's comment: "It's a key." My proposal: shove her inside the door, lock it, throw away the key, and forget all about her. You'll be doing the gene pool a favor.
Burke says the door is their only way out, but Tara argues, "Some doors are meant to stay shut!" You wanna know what else is meant to stay shut, Tara? Sorry, got carried away there.
Carnby decides to "trust the Abkani" (you mean, the people who thought it was a good idea not to destroy the key to the world of darkness?) and takes the key out of the lock. This is followed by gunfire, and a shot of the last Blackshirt's brains leaving his skull.
Hudgens has arrived on the scene with an automatic rifle. He makes them drop their weapons and step aside. He blames Carnby for his experiments getting shut down, and asks, "Does this place bring back memories, Carnby?" Er, actually, no, because he was never down there in the first place, because he escaped.
The doctor demands the key, since he "spent twenty years looking for [it]". Maybe he's just rounding down, but somehow I like the idea of this doofus needing two years to notice the giant stone door inside his lab.
He orders Tara to give him the key. Just — shoot — them! They're unarmed, and no use to you whatsoever! She hesitates, so he raises his gun and declares, "What a pity. You're a fine archaeologist!" Oh man, how lame of a "prepare to die" line is that? What a shame I have to kill you! You are a perfectly adequate person!
Anyway, Tara buys his bluff and hands over the key. Hudgens inserts his own whatsit from the Arabis into the key, then opens the door. At that exact same moment, Burke throws a knife at him and kills him. Nice shot, Burke, but perhaps you could have done that before he opened the door? Anyway, Hudgens drops dead while the door slides open.
"See? I can too open the door to hell and die at the same time!"
As I said, curiosity is a bitch, because our three heroes go through the door. Hey, I mean, now that it's already open, why not check it out? No harm in a little look-see, right?
They enter and find what looks like a cheapo matte painting of Moria, and there are countless xenos in here. They start to emerge out of holes in giant tree-looking things, like ants swarming out of an ant hill. Carnby says, "Alright, let's just back up nice and easy." Good thinking, Carnby. Tell me again why you went inside in the first place?
"So
this is where our careers will go to die."
Burke decides to set an explosive, while Tara and Carnby back out. Carnby tries to close the security gate, and of course, it chooses this moment to malfunction. Two seconds later, though, it's working again. Whew! On second thought, with this insane amount of xenos around, how come the gate and the lights work at all?
The group hurries away, with Carnby yelling, "This way!" I thought they were trapped inside the mine, so I have no idea where they're going.
Then we get some pointless shots of all the dead soldiers up above. Meanwhile, at Keyboard Monkey Central, Krash hears some ominous knocking noises. I have no idea where those are coming from.
In the mine, Carnby's random running proves fruitful, because they find a ladder that leads up. Burke tries to set off the explosives, but of course his detonator doesn't work. Turns out he needs to be closer to the explosives to set them off, so he heroically ventures back alone to finish the job, and yadda yadda yadda, nothing you haven't seen in action movies 200 times before.
He runs back to the lab, opens the gate, and pointlessly fires blindly into the world of darkness. Yes, I'm sure your one gun is going to intimidate the approximately 80 million xenos now coming towards you. Meanwhile, Carnby and Tara reach the top of the ladder, which apparently leads to a pair of cellar doors near the orphanage. Carnby shoots the padlock off the cellar doors. And the padlock is on the outside, and he shoots it off from the inside, which really takes some skill.
Oh, and by the way, it's now bright daylight outside. Not the first light of dawn, but full-blown midday sun. Remember those shots of dead soldiers lying around? It was nighttime then, and that was two minutes ago! This is as bad as Hudson Hawk, and Hudson Hawk did this intentionally!
Back in the lab, Burke grabs the bomb and sets it off, blowing himself up. This causes fire to race through the caves, and within seconds, flames shoot up out of the cellar doors behind Carnby and Tara. You know, even if Burke had this much insane explosive power in his backpack, would it really be enough to destroy the entire "world of darkness"? Or even the mile-wide Moria rip-off part of it that we got to see?
Carnby and Tara, looking completely unscathed, decide to just casually stroll into the orphanage. Carnby calls out for Sister... Clara! Hey! We finally know her name. You know what that means, don't you?
Sure enough, they find the freshly-named nun with her wrists slit, lying on the floor between rows of bunk beds. Christian Slater gets a big Acting Moment, and that's the end of the scene. And please don't even ask me why the nun killed herself, or why she chose this moment to do it.
But wait! It's not over just yet. There's another establishing shot of a city skyline. A page of a newspaper lies in the street. A fallen bike with a turning wheel lies in the street. Then comes the caption: "8:45 AM — City Evacuated". Uh, why, exactly?
Meanwhile, there are more shots of empty streets. Have you ever noticed how boring cities are when no one is in them? Except, of course, if you know what you're doing and how to create a mood. There are also shots of Keyboard Monkey Central, which is also deserted. Does this have anything to do with those ominous knocks that Krash heard, which were never explained?
After what feels like an hour of silence, the Voiceover of Doom™ returns for the last time, while Carnby and Tara wander around the empty city. This voiceover is all about paying the price for bringing darkness into the light (which I'd think would make darkness disappear, but what do I know?).
Carnby says, "The Abkani were wiped off the face of the earth, and now it looks like it's happening all over again." Wiped off by... ? Ah, screw it, we're nearly done, I give up. I'll just lean back and enjoy another 17 seconds of bird's eye cityscapes, without the slightest trace of dialogue or monologue.
Suddenly, growling noises are heard, and then comes the final shot of the movie, which is about the most rote, cliché shot that Boll could have picked. The camera speeds towards Carnby and Tara from behind. They turn around, looking as horrified as they can manage (read: not very), and everything goes black. Sigh. Had to go for the dumb ending, eh, Uwe?
"Okay, our flight to Mexico leaves in ten minutes. Once we pass the guards, we get aboard, keep a low profile and hide for a few years, until nobody remembers this piece of sh—oh, hello, Mr. Boll, didn't see you there!"
Are you still with me? Congratulations on that. As you can probably tell, rumors of this movie's badness were not exaggerated. I still can't make heads or tails of the villain's plan. He implanted orphan children with symbionts because... ? He injects himself with xeno blood because... ? And he wanted to open the door to the world of darkness... why, exactly? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to unleash evil and destruction upon a world you still have to live in afterwards.
And is it just me, or did the creature effects department come up with three totally distinct, unrelated monsters? There were the worm-like symbionts, larger worm-things burrowing in the sand, and of course, the big xeno devil dogs. I guess it would all make sense if the worm-things eventually grew up into xenos, but nothing in the movie indicates that's the case.
The leaflet of the DVD features a few production notes, and it's really astonishing how far marketing materials and reality can drift apart. In the notes, everybody's enthusiastic about the game, and there are mentions of "horror specialist Uwe Boll" and the "profound plotlines" [?!]. The worst part, however, is this: "Elan Mastai, screenwriter of Alone in the Dark, especially liked the adaptation of a complex game to a full length movie, with cult horror author H. P. Lovecraft being the inspiration." Oh, quit the blasphemy.
This film has not made me an Uwe Boll hater, but I think the words "violent dislike" are quite accurate. Now, if you want to experience true horror, just click on this link (not for the faint of heart)!
