"'Death approaches,' Avalow says. 'We are all mortal again! Now we can say yes to death!' So throw out all your old CHOOSE LIFE shirts from the 80's! And get rid of all those FRANKIE SAY RELAX shirts while you're at it!"

"Other shows jump the shark, Mr. T coldcocks it!"

"Like watching your big sister making googly eyes with her boyfriend on the couch while listening to cheesy music, and you can't escape because they've chained you to a chair."

"We get a loving close-up of the fish in the aquarium eating pieces of Louis' brain. That's an image no romantic comedy is complete without, am I right?"

A gang of ten year olds with a leader wearing a big flowered muummuu do not an intimidating nemesis make.

"Wow! Bullet Time effects! You sure don't see those in every movie, now do you?"

Proof that a little thing like death should be no obstacle to an actor appearing in a terrible movie.

Will make you pine for the tastefulness, coherence, and originality of Andy Warhol's actual films.

"All you really need to know about this movie is that it's called Deafula, it's about a deaf vampire, it's performed entirely in sign language, and yes, it really exists."

"William Shatner, whether he's animated or not, never misses out on an opportunity to do a head roll. "

Updated on July 5, 2005! "If not for the idiotic dialogue, incompetent direction, horrific acting, non-existent budget, and relentless parade of goofy imagery, this possibly—possibly—could have been a decent movie."

"Some like it. Not."

"This movie can bore you in a thousand ways!"

"I expect the thinking went something like this: 'Look how much everyone drools over Tom Welling. And we make him wear a shirt!'"

"Just imagine what great films Frank Capra or Fritz Lang might have made had they been allowed to show anal dildo rape on camera."

An Irwin Allen production of a screenplay by Akiva Goldsman? "The pain, the pain..."

"After seeing this movie, all your kids will want for Christmas is some serious psychotherapy."

This could very well be considered the greatest film ever made, provided that every print of every movie not about giant killer bunny rabbits suddenly disappeared from the face of the planet.

"Remember, students, always put your exposition at the end! Just when the audience thinks they're gonna get action and suspense, do what they least expect—surprise 'em with backstory!"

"The rumor is that an actress was actually killed on camera! Was she? Well, no. She wasn't. Or... was she? Sorry, but the answer is still no."