Not so long ago, it seemed that to make a well-regarded, critically acclaimed movie, you needed to have something remarkable to say, or at least a unique perspective on life. But as the makers of last year’s indie sensation (500) Days of Summer have shown, all you really need to do is watch a lot of movies, and have one mildly crappy relationship, and you’ve earned the right to make your mundane life experiences into a film, and subsequently be hailed as a genius for it.

(500) Days of Summer bills itself as a fresh take on the romantic comedy genre, with a story that unfolds in a nonlinear, non-chronological narrative. “Great!” I thought to myself before going into this, “So it’ll be like Memento, only a romantic comedy.”

Unfortunately, Memento was funnier. Despite the arbitrary shuffling of events, it’s every other indie romcom you’ve ever seen, with a soundtrack full of emo songs, plenty of kitschy ‘80s references, and a lead with a twee job (writing greeting cards), a twee dream (becoming an architect), two goofy best buds who care way too much about his love life, and a precocious younger sibling who counsels him on romance. I mean, for the love of all that’s holy, it actually features a big group dance number set to a kitschy pop song from the 1980s.

Oh wait, I forgot: the two leads don’t end up together at the end of the movie. Apparently, this is the height of brilliance when it comes to romantic comedies these days. I’ll admit, it is groundbreaking, or at least it was groundbreaking thirty years ago when Woody Allen did it. But I can’t really say that (500) Days of Summer shamelessly rips off Annie Hall. They’re most likely ripping off When Harry Met Sally which shamelessly ripped off Annie Hall.

And then, there’s the title. It’s (500) Days of Summer, because the female lead’s name is Summer, and the male lead’s infatuation with Summer lasts 500 days, get it? But why the parentheses? It would make sense, I guess, if “days of summer” was a saying, but it’s really not. There are the “dog days of summer”, but “days of summer”, not so much. So the title is really just a failed, overly self-conscious attempt by the filmmakers to seem witty. In that respect, it sums up the film perfectly.

(500) Days of Summer was by and large loved by the critics (86% on Rotten Tomatoes), and generated a lot of awards buzz at the end of the year. But despite a few nominations at various ceremonies, including a Golden Globe nom for Best Picture, Comedy or Musical (which is none too surprising, considering the crap that’s won Golden Globes in the past), the movie was completely shut out at the Oscars this year.

I’m somewhat relieved to know that at least the members of Academy realize it takes a bit more than editing scenes out of chronological order to make a dopey, simplistic comedy into something award-worthy. At the same time, I’m sort of disappointed, because this means that come March, there will still be only one Oscar-winning film featured on this site.

The fact is, if you were to actually arrange everything in this film in the proper chronological order, it would become stunningly obvious what a dull, predictable story this really is. And guess what? I’ve actually done that. Because these recaps are never long enough, I briefly went back over the entire movie to list events in the proper order. Stick around until the end of the recap for the official (500) Days of Summer Chronological Chronology!

The movie opens with a title card stating, “AUTHOR’S NOTE: Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.” I smell a setup.

Then comes another title card:

Okay, mildly funny, but there really should be a comma after “you”. I hate to play the grammar nazi, but this is only the first freaking shot of the movie. You think they could have invested just a few extra minutes to proofread the copy before sending it off to the titles guy.

And then there’s one more title card which says, “Bitch.” Okay, I’ll admit, it’s somewhat amusing. Not laugh out loud funny, but at least we’re off to a promising start, right?

With that, we get a title screen which tells us it’s Day 488. Throughout the entire movie, there’s this counter that shows what “Day of Summer” the current scene takes place on. Also, the number of the current “day” is always in parentheses, for reasons that currently escape me.

So on Day 488, we find our two leads sitting on a park bench, staring at each other uncertainly. These leads are: Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, best known for playing Tommy on six seasons of 3rd Rock from the Sun, and Zooey Deschanel, best known for being indie cinema’s current “it” girl. A close-up on her hand shows that Zooey is wearing a wedding ring.

And then the Poor Man’s Don LaFontaine speaks up, saying that “This is a story of boy meets girl.” In the World Series of Love? This narrator will be intruding often into the movie, mostly to tell us things that are blindingly obvious. The Poor Man’s Don LaFontaine is actually Richard McGonagle, who’s sort of a Hey! It’s That Guy for all of his various bit TV roles, which include playing a judge on 13 episodes of The Practice, a few appearances on a couple of Star Trek shows, and hey, look at this, he was also on five episodes of 3rd Rock from the Sun!

And then the counter takes us back to Day 1, and this counter (as well as the rest of the counters in the movie) is shown over a watercolor of a city skyline. By the inclusion of the famous City Hall building, I can guess this is supposed to be some part of downtown Los Angeles.

On Day 1, we find Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, who the narrator tells us is “Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey” (yes, he’s “Tommy” here, too), sitting in a conference room during an office meeting. Also according to the narration, Tom always believed his life would change when he met “the one”.

We then flash back to Tom’s childhood, so I guess it’s safe to say not all of this stuff is happening on “Day 1”. The narrator explains Tom believed he would meet The One due to “early exposure to sad British pop music, and a total misreading of the movie The Graduate.” Young Tom is watching TV, and indeed, it’s a showing of The Graduate, and we can hear Dustin Hoffman yelling, “Elaine! Elaine!” and pounding church windows.

The narrator then says that “the girl” in this story is “Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan”. Yes, “Summer Finn”, a name that could only exist in annoyingly quirky indie films.

Summer (Zooey Deschanel, of course) is in an office, answering phones. We then flash back to her as teenage girl in her bedroom, and the narrator explains that after her parents got divorced, she “only loved two things”. Those two things being her “long dark hair”, and “how easily she could cut it off... and feel nothing.” And the girl in the flashback takes a big pair of scissors and demonstrates exactly what the narrator just told us. This would seem to imply that Summer was a cutter when cutting wasn’t cool, but this little personality trait will never be referenced again.

Back in the present, it’s revealed that Tom and Summer are actually working in the same office. The narrator then mentions they met on January 8, which is today, Day 1. Super Nitpicky Moment: At the end of the movie, the narrator says that “Day 500” happens on May 23, which he very pointedly tells us is a Wednesday. According to my calendar, “Day 500” could only occur in 2007, which means “Day 1” has to occur in 2006. But January 8, 2006 was a Sunday. The entire office is full of people on a Sunday!

Actually, it’s possible the final “day” is really taking place in the far-flung future of 2012. But January 8, 2011 will be a Saturday. Hah! I caught you, you fuckers! You totally screwed up an extremely minor detail that only a super-obsessive nutcase such as myself would ever notice, so you deserve to die and burn in hell for all of eternity. Well, mostly for that, but also for the missing comma thing. And also, for making a comedy that’s not actually funny.

Getting back to the extremely important and not-at-all superfluous narration, we are told in very serious terms, “This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front... this is not a love story.” And I’ll just have to call bullshit on that one.

This is totally and completely a love story. The characters don’t think about anything besides love. They don’t talk about anything but love. Just because the two leads aren’t together at the end doesn’t mean it’s not a “love story”. Do you know what other love story ends without the two leads ending up together? Love Story.

Also, what’s with trying to fake us out with Summer wearing a wedding ring, to make us think Tom and Summer end up getting married? I think the narration just shot that little trick in the foot.