This review will be quite long, as this film was truly an excruciating experience for me when I originally saw it. In light of that, I feel some back story is called for.

Prologue: February 2001

When it comes to movie-watching, we all experience our own personal worst in many ways.

For some, it's a late night viewing on cable TV. For others, it's a rental made on a dare from friends. In February of 2001, I found my own personal worst through official channels.

My screenwriting professor assigned us to watch movies and analyze their structures. From a list of four films, we were told to pick two, and one of my options was 3000 Miles to Graceland. Seeing that the other movie was an art house film I really had no interest in seeing, my choice was clear. And I figured, at least the film had Kurt Russell, who I can usually watch in anything. (Heck, I can even stand Kevin Costner in small doses, believe it or not.)

The closest theater was a thirty-minute walk, and I was on a rather tight deadline because I had a class to get to after the film. The theater was one of those little mom and pop operations. Five bucks for a ticket, the food was reasonably priced. I should've known I was in for trouble when I entered the dark, grimy theater, and the right wall seemed to be missing, and the only other patron was a gentleman who was using the theater to take a nap. Lucky him.

I knew very little about the film, other than a bad script review and a little scrap of a news item about how there'd been a conflict over which version of the film would be released.

From what I remember, Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell each were allowed to make their own cuts of the film. Costner's version was more action-oriented, whereas Russell's was more of a road film with the love story taking up a lot more screen time (although I'll have plenty of things to say later about said "love story").

Bottom line, Warner Brothers picked Russell's cut, and thus the abomination you're about to witness was dumped on an unsuspecting public. Think about that, folks. Somewhere in the vaults of Warner Brothers, there exists a cut of 3000 Miles to Graceland that they didn't use because it was worse than what was released. That's truly saying something, because the cut I viewed that day (to say nothing of a few days ago) was something even Ed Wood would look at and say, "You know, this is just way too stupid."

The film's also got a bizarre feel to it, almost like director and screenwriter Demian Lichtenstein decided he really didn't want to make the film he wrote. In fact, he seems to have overdosed on Tarantino and film theory books and was probably sick of the whole thing before he ever got to shoot the first frame. And it definitely shows, as we'll soon see.

We begin with the sun rising over the desert and the title appears, all scratchy and rough, looking more appropriate for a dark, gritty noir rather than a lightweight film that's ostensibly about a group of Elvis imitators robbing a casino (but really isn't; more on this later). We get some bad industrial-sounding music over random desert footage, and it's all shot with varying camera speeds, which is a technique that will come back to haunt us several times over the course of the film.

A classic red Cadillac shoots down a deserted road, while MTV-style cuts of the desert are thrown in just in case we forgot where we were. The film is needlessly under-cranked and altered here, yet another recurring motif for the director.

From here, the film goes completely schizo on us. We suddenly get flash-cuts of two of the fakest looking CGI scorpions ever created. Seriously, it's one of the most horrible animations I've ever seen. I think you have to actually work at making CGI look this bad.

The two scorpions face off and a Matrix-style fight ensues over the opening credits. After one scorpion wins, it rears up and raises its arms like a pro wrestler at the end of a match. I swear to God, I wish I were making all of this up.

I should also note that this fight takes place in an appallingly cheesy CGI environment that truly sets the technique back a few years. Also, in the background we see a billboard for an Elvis convention in Las Vegas that, oddly enough, is not a CGI creation but a real prop.

The victorious scorpion then sees an even faker computer representation of the Caddy heading right for it. It scurries away and we cut from CGI to reality as the scorpion (still CGI), runs into the skull of either a large dog or a werewolf (I couldn't really tell).

The car crushes the skull and comes to a stop at a motel, unfortunately called the Last Chance Motel. Yes, we just took two and a half minutes to get to an establishing shot to let us know we're in Rosewood, Nevada. And this is just the beginning.

Out of the car steps Michael Zane, played to my dismay by Kurt Russell. He's made up rather obviously to look like Fat Elvis, complete with matching hairdo and sideburns. Really, the only reason I can think of for Kurt appearing in this thing is that he played Elvis once and figured it would be fun to do again.

Actually, Russell doesn't come off all too badly in this film, but he also doesn't really make much of an impression. He just kind of saunters through it with his usual "tough guy with a heart of gold" routine.

Also, this is the closest the film will get to having much of anything to do with Elvis. At least, anything that makes sense.

Anyway, Michael heads for the main office and we cut to a kid's hand as it runs across the exterior of his Caddy. We see the arm belongs to Jesse (David Kaye), a young boy whom we will quickly learn to loathe. Jesse finds the scorpion in the skeleton and lifts it up by the tail, and then places it in a jar. Believe it or not, this will actually become important later on.

He moves onto the tire of the Caddy, taking off a few valve caps. He's quickly caught by Michael, who chases him into the arms of his mom Cybil (played by Courteney Cox or Courteney Cox-Arquette, whatever she's calling herself this week).

As we'll soon learn, the two characters of Cybil and Jesse are a large part of what makes the movie so atrocious. The conversation between Michael and Cybil is relatively normal at first, with Michael informing Cybil of Jesse's petty theft. Then we get Cybil's reaction to this, which is truly an inspiration to mothers all over the world.

And so, our agony begins, as we learn we're watching the single most unlikable character in the entire film, and she's one of the good guys.

She treats the theft like it's nothing, then proceeds to flirt with Michael. The dialogue here, like pretty much the rest of the film, is dull and unmemorable, with the end result being Cybil inviting Michael to a cup of coffee. She also makes sure he knows she spells her name with a "C", and not an "S", though this point will be debatable once we see some of her actions later on.

Also, she oddly asks if he has any money, something she should pretty much assume, seeing as how he agreed to coffee. She also seems to be rather dense, because she's surprised that a person who shows up in her dirtball town is somebody she doesn't know.

Cybil With a C pours some coffee and Jesse approaches, asking if he can get a Coke. Cybil, being the great mother she is, blows him off and continues to talk to Michael. But Michael, being the swell feller he is, decides to forget about the whole petty theft deal and gives the little kleptomaniac five bucks.

Cybil and Jesse share a cryptic glance, after which he promptly goes to the bar and begins bartering with a woman named Dorth over a cowboy outfit. That's right, "Dorth". I checked the subtitles. Not Doris, not Dora, not Dorf, frigging Dorth! Not even five minutes in, and already I want to beat the hell out of the writers.

And as far as Dorth (snicker) goes, well, not to be cruel or anything, but she's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen. Her face actually looks like it was created purely with CGI, that's how ugly she is. Not to be cruel or anything.

Anyhow, Cybil gets to talking about her husband, and we learn he left her and Jesse. And who can blame the guy? I've been in the company of Cybil and Jesse for about two minutes and already I want to run screaming for the hills.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Cybil gets the idea that Michael is coming onto her. Which, I should add, he is. But seeing how repulsive Cybil is, I'm inclined to think he wasn't really being serious about it.

Naturally, we instantly cut to them in bed. Or rather, we cut to the headboard of her bed being violently smashed against the wall repeatedly, while the two actors (who probably had to get good and loaded before filming this scene) simulate what could either be sex or an avant-garde rodeo exhibition.

In all seriousness, I don't think I've ever seen a less erotic sex scene in my life. I don't know who taught Demian Lichtenstein about the birds and the bees, but that person had a real messed up sense of humor. The actors don't even make sounds of pleasure during it, instead sounding like they're having trouble changing a flat tire.

Guess what, folks? It gets even worse. Jesse sneaks into the room and takes a gander at his mom boinking a total stranger. So what does he do? He proceeds to steal Michael's wallet. Oh, those lovable kids, huh? Water balloons, whoopee cushions, kleptomania. Ah, the innocence of childhood!

This is followed by a shot of Jesse running out to his trailer. These two are living in a trailer? No! You're kidding me! Actually, the film is kinda vague as to where they actually live. Even though they appear to live in the motel, there's a shot of Jesse running towards a trailer. You get it? Me neither. Let's move on.