Razzie Predictions 2007 (The Final Chapter)

So first, the good news: I’m still alive. The last time I posted Razzie predictions, I pledged my intentions to watch all 25 Razzie-nominated films prior to the awards ceremony later this morning. Those of you who worried after not hearing anything from me since then can rest easy. I survived. Just barely.

But now the bad news: I didn’t quite reach my goal. I trained hard, and I watched hard, and I got pretty close, but in the end I only saw 19 out of the 25 nominated movies.

I’d like to pretend it’s because I ran out of time. I’d like to pretend that it’s my obsessive-compulsive disorder that prevents me from watching sequels before seeing the original (meaning, for instance, that Orlando Bloom’s Worst Supporting Actor nomination is forcing me to finally watch the Pirates of the Caribbean movies). I’d like to pretend it’s because a fair number of these movies aren’t out on DVD yet (I try to avoid intentionally seeing awful movies in the theater—this site may depend on bad movies, but I’ll be damned if I contribute to making any of them box office hits).

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But all the reasons above, in the end, are pure bullshit. The reason I didn’t watch all 25 films is because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I may have a high pain threshold for awful movies, but the threshold is still there, and over the course of the past few weeks, I found out exactly where that threshold lies.

If I have to sit through one more mediocre slasher flick, or one more laugh-free comedy, or one more lazy action flick, there’s a high likelihood I’ll snap and go on a shooting spree. It takes a lot for me to call a movie one of the worst I’ve ever seen, and only a few Razzie-nominated films this year even approached that designation. But each film on its own still amounted to about 5% of the pain one has to experience before scouting around town for the nearest clock tower.

So, I hope you’ll understand why I wasn’t terribly motivated to finish writing up reviews of all 25 movies prior to the actual Razzie ceremony. But don’t fret, because those reviews will be up sooner or later (and hopefully the former).

In the meantime, I’ll be damned if I let all that hard work go to waste. I’m in the unique position, shared by only a handful of severe masochists, of having seen almost all the films nominated for a Razzie this year. So I’ve decided to post my final-final predictions, which might not be 100% fully informed, but as informed as I’m going to get without my brain crumbling into little tiny pieces.

But I should point out that these predictions are not mere idle speculation. You see, not only do I studiously follow the Razzies, but I’m also a member. This year was the very first time I personally sent in an official ballot, actually casting votes for the Golden Raspberries. So along with naming who I think will win, I’ll also be letting you know exactly which nominees earned my vote.

And now, the nominees. I’ll be doing this with the help of Academy Award winning actress Kathy Bates, as well as Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Sid Ganis. These are actual photographs of when the two announced the Razzie nominees in Beverly Hills back in January.

Of course, there’s a high likelihood this never actually happened. In my current state of bad movie-induced dementia, this is probably just how I remember the Razzie nominations being announced. And it’s also likely that I created a split personality, who’s really handy with the GIMP, to fabricate these photographs to support my sick, manufactured memories. But who can say for sure? It’s hard to know what’s real anymore.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie (new category!)

The Nominees Are…
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
Captivity
Hannibal Rising
Hostel Part II
I Know Who Killed Me

First of all, I’d like to say that out of all of this year’s nominees, Hannibal Rising was the least Razzie-worthy. Perhaps it seems like a Razzie contender compared to Silence of the Lambs, but at this particular moment, we’re comparing it to the likes of I Know Who Killed Me. In that light, it looks like a pretty good horror flick. I can see some people liking it, and I can some people hating it. Personally, I could go either way on it, so it didn’t get my vote.

Hostel Part II doesn’t really deserve the nomination, either. It’s certainly not a good film, but it’s clearly on this list due to public backlash against so-called “torture porn”. I have to at least give it some credit for not being chock full of padding like the first Hostel.

I Know Who Killed Me is certainly a terrible movie—there’s no doubt about it. If you do have doubts about it, check out the recent recap of this movie by Jack Spencer, Jr., which should explain it all. But I can’t deny the movie is filled with loads of unintentional laughs, which is far more than I can say for most of the films on this list, in particular, Captivity.

For all the hubbub and controversy over the ad campaign, Captivity turned out to be a pretty rote, safe—and worst of all—intensely boring thriller. And as always, the absolute worst sin a film can commit is being boring. So my choice here should be obvious. (Especially since I have yet to see Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, which is not out on DVD yet.)

My vote for Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie goes to… Captivity
But I predict the Razzie will go to… I Know Who Killed Me. It’s just an unstoppable juggernaut, well on its way to smashing Razzie records reached only by the likes of Battlefield Earth and Showgirls.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Screenplay

The Nominees Are…
Geoff Rodkey and David J. Stem & David N. Weiss, Daddy Day Camp
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Epic Movie
Jeffrey Hammond, I Know Who Killed Me
Barry Fanaro and Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Eddie Murphy & Charles Murphy and Jay Sherick & David Ronn, Norbit

This is perhaps the one category that makes me sorry there can only be one “winner”.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry sucked massively, but I can’t condemn the script too much after learning that at least one of the screenwriters (Alexander Payne, who was nominated for an Oscar for Sideways) wanted to take his name off the script. That still counts for something in my book.

Epic Movie was a collection of stale, dumb jokes, made all the dumber by the movie’s insistence on explaining the jokes to you at every possible turn. The script was hideous, but I have to give them some credit for speeding through their retarded humor and getting the movie over with as quickly as possible.

I Know Who Killed Me was a migraine-inducing idea that should have never been spoken aloud, much less used as the basis of a major motion picture screenplay. But as I said above, the film is at least unintentionally funny.

The Norbit script assumes the very fact of someone being insufferably horrible, evil, and repulsive is funny in and of itself. And while the movie is a vicious assault on the senses, I’m not sure how much of that is the fault of the screenplay, and how much is the fault of the hideous performances.

So, in the end, I had to give it to the movie that was soul-crushingly dull. I mean, at least when I’m being repulsed, something is happening. This award belong to the script that, with its exploding outhouses, and projectile vomiting gags, seems to be the work of writers who have given up on their craft, if not on life itself.

My vote for Worst Screenplay goes to… Daddy Day Camp, simply because I can’t believe it took three people to come up with something so empty.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Norbit, mostly because Eddie Murphy is the only big star on this list. However, the script really does suck, big time, so don’t expect me to shed any tears for the Murphy Brothers.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Director

The Nominees Are…
Dennis Dugan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Roland Joffé, Captivity
Brian Robbins, Norbit
Fred Savage, Daddy Day Camp
Chris Siverston, I Know Who Killed Me

Seeing as how Captivity had extra “torture porn” scenes that were shot by a totally different director, I don’t think we can really hold Joffé accountable for everything that went wrong with this movie. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, even though some of his more recent work would suggest that a “director’s cut” (which, if there is a god, will never, ever surface) would probably not be much better than what was released to theaters.

And Fred Savage? He was given what was probably the worst script of the past few years, so he really had nothing to work with. He probably would have had better luck squeezing laughs out of the script to United 93. So I have to give him a pass, for now. But watch it, Kevin: if I ever see your name on this list again, it’s trouble.

And we certainly can’t pin the failures of Norbit and I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry on their respective directors. In fact, the notion that either of these films even needed a director was probably an afterthought. We all know that Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler were running their respective shows, into the ground. (Although, in the process of finding a picture of Norbit director Brian Robbins, I was surprised to discover he was one of the regulars on Head of the Class. So this category amazingly contains two child stars of the ’80s.)

In the end, my vote went to the man that piled on stupid artistic flourishes, one after another, at an astonishing rate, when he really should have been focusing on, you know, presenting a coherent story.

My vote for Worst Director goes to… Chris Siverston, because all the artiness in the world can’t fill gigantic plot holes in an idiotic script.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Chris Siverston, for all the same reasons.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Prequel or Sequel

The Nominees Are…
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
Daddy Day Camp
Evan Almighty
Hannibal Rising
Hostel Part II

The three “horror” films weren’t contenders in my eyes, for reasons already mentioned in my comments under Worst Excuse for a Horror Film. So this category was clearly going to be a duel to the death between two laugh-free comedies, Daddy Day Camp and Evan Almighty.

Both films were pretty big nothings, but Evan Almighty had nicer special effects, as it damn well should have, considering it cost upwards of $175 million to make. And when I’m forced to stare at two turds, my eyes will naturally gravitate towards the one that’s been polished. So the decision here was easy.

My vote for Worst Prequel or Sequel goes to… Daddy Day Camp, the unfortunate result of trying to copy a movie that barely existed in the first place.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Hostel Part II, as a continuation of the boring anti-torture porn backlash.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Remake or Rip-Off

The Nominees Are…
Are We Done Yet? (Remake/Rip-Off of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House)
Bratz (A Rip-Off If Ever There Was One!)
Epic Movie (Rip-Off of Every Movie it Rips Off)
I Know Who Killed Me (Rip-Off Of Hostel, Saw and The Patty Duke Show)
Who’s Your Caddy? (Rip-Off of Caddyshack)

Hey, remember when this category actually featured rip-offs? Those were the days. This category is particularly pointless this year, and my vote is going, just by default, to the only nominee that really belongs on this list.

Are We Done Yet? is certainly crap, but it’s hard to call it a “rip-off” when it specifically mentions Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House in the opening credits.

I have no idea what Bratz is supposed to be ripping off. I’m certainly open to the idea that it’s ripping off something, but if I can’t say exactly what, then I can’t in good conscience cast a vote for it.

Epic Movie was shockingly unfunny, but to call a parody a “rip-off” is kind of a stretch. By that measure, Airplane! Is the biggest rip-off of all time.

I Know Who Killed Me was clearly inspired by the success of Hostel and the Saw movies, but the similarities don’t scream out “rip-off” to me. And as for the Patty Duke comparisons: no comment.

So, in the end, there was only movie on this list that could actually be called a rip-off. The good news is, it’s easily one of the worst films I’ve seen all year. So even if it were stacked up against more deserving films, it still would have won easily.

My vote for Worst Remake or Rip-Off goes to… Who’s Your Caddy? I honestly don’t even think the original Caddyshack is that funny, but it’s utter brilliance compared to long, lingering shots of Faizon Love’s naked ass.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… I Know Who Killed Me. The juggernaut rolls on.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Screen Couple

The Nominees Are…
Jessica Alba & EITHER Hayden Christensen (Awake) OR Dane Cook (Good Luck Chuck) OR Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
Any Combination of Two Totally Air-Headed Characters, Bratz
Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me
Eddie Murphy (as Norbit) & EITHER Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong) OR Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia),
Norbit
Adam Sandler & EITHER Kevin James OR Jessica Biel, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

I think I’ve come to terms with Jessica Alba’s complete lack of acting talent. I’ll grant you, I have not seen Awake, which has yet to be released on DVD, which for all I know contains the most horrifying performance of her career. But based on the limited information I have, I’ve made peace with the fact that she can’t act. And you know else seems to have made peace with this fact? The directors who cast her in movies, because they’re clearly making every effort not to challenge her as an actress. So she didn’t particularly embarrass herself at all this year. Her interactions with Gruffudd and Cook weren’t good or bad—they were simply there.

As far as the Bratz nomination goes, I do have some standards, and they’re still above acknowledging the silliness of a “pick any two people from this movie” nomination. Moving on.

I understand why Lindsay Lohan was nominated. Trust me, no explanation is necessary. But the fact of the matter is, Lohan and Lohan only share a few seconds of screen time, spooning at the very tail end of I Know Who Killed Me. (However, most people voting for the Razzies won’t know this, so I think we all know which way the votes are going.) So for me, her nomination was a non-starter.

Adam Sandler getting it on with Kevin James is indeed a gruesome concept, and the makers of Chuck & Larry milk that concept for all it’s worth, i.e., not a single laugh. But even this horrible pairing runs a distant second to the true winner in this category, Norbit.

Nothing even came close to the moments when Eddie Murphy, as Norbit, shared the screen with Eddie Murphy, as Rasputia. And I don’t just mean no other nominee came close. I mean, no other experience on earth comes close to the physical and mental torture experienced while watching Eddie Murphy play against himself in Norbit.

So this was, by far, my easiest choice.

My vote for Worst Screen Couple goes to… Eddie Murphy. There was really no contest here.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Lindsay Lohan, which doesn’t really make much sense. However, you won’t hear me protesting too much.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Supporting Actress

The Nominees Are…
Jessica Biel, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and Next
Carmen Electra, Epic Movie
Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia), Norbit
Julia Ormond, I Know Who Killed Me
Nicolette Sheridan, Code Name: The Cleaner

You know, I’m starting to think Jessica Biel gets too much grief over her acting skills. She may not be a stellar performer, but she can at least deliver her lines with some trace of believability. I’m not saying she’s a future Oscar contender, but at the very minimum, she might one day be convincing at pretending to be smart.

Carmen Electra for Epic Movie? Sorry, but her appearance was little more than a glorified cameo. I think it takes a bit more than that to be called a “supporting actress”.

Eddie Murphy? For Worst Actress? I get the joke, and I certainly want Eddie Murphy to hurt the way Norbit hurt me, but let’s give him the punishment he actually deserves, in the Worst Actor category, shall we?

And I have to agree with what Jack said in his recap of I Know Who Killed Me: Julia Ormond’s performance might be this movie’s sole bright spot.

So, that leaves just one actress, and I had to cast my vote for someone. I didn’t think any of the nominees really deserved it, but by simple process of elimination, there was really only one woman I could vote for in good faith.

My vote for Worst Supporting Actress goes to… Nicolette Sheridan.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Eddie Murphy, because in informal polls like this one, “joke” choices will win every time.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Supporting Actor

The Nominees Are…
Orlando Bloom, Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End
Kevin James, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong), Norbit
Rob Schneider, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Jon Voight, Bratz, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, September Dawn and Transformers

As mentioned above, I haven’t seen any of the Pirates movies. Does Orlando Bloom really have a chance in hell of winning this award? I doubt it. Moving on.

Kevin James was obviously the lead, and not a supporting player, in Chuck & Larry. For the record, he played “Larry”, which you may notice is a character named in the title of the movie. Simply put, he doesn’t belong in this category, so he’s not getting my vote.

Rob Schneider’s part in Chuck & Larry is really just a glorified cameo. His yellowface act raised hackles among the Asian American community, and the fact that Schneider is part Filipino makes it even worse. But honestly, his performance is a moment of Asian pride in comparison to Eddie Murphy’s Mr. Wong, who’s not only a racist stereotype, but also a big joke on the animosity between blacks and Asian business owners. In the end, though, neither one of them were a significant factor in their respective movie’s badness, and anyway, Murphy doesn’t really belong in this category.

So, despite not having seen National Treasure: Book of Secrets, September Dawn or Transformers, I knew there was only one person in this category who deserved my vote.

My vote for Worst Supporting Actor goes to… Jon Voight, and it’s not just because he’s an Agony Booth Repeat Offender. Well, okay, it is because he’s a Repeat Offender, partly. But it’s mainly because Bratz, along with other recent crapfests (SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Karate Dog, etc.), was developed by Crystal Sky, Voight’s very own production company. So not only did he give a shitty performance, but he helped the shitty movie get made in the first place. If the disappointing box office doesn’t stop him from doing it again, maybe a Razzie will. Well, it probably won’t, but just let me hope.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Probably Rob Schneider. Who knows. I don’t have a strong feeling on this one.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Actress

The Nominees Are…
Jessica Alba, Awake, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Good Luck Chuck
Logan Browning, Janel Parrish, Nathalia Ramos & Skyler Shaye, Bratz
Elisha Cuthbert, Captivity
Diane Keaton, Because I Said So
Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

I’m not going to waste your time or mine pretending like I had to deliberate on this decision. I’m not going to mention Alba’s bad acting again, or another silly four-in-one nomination, or talk about how Elisha Cuthbert and Diane Keaton were both pretty awful in their nominated performances. Because we all know who this award belongs to, and we all know who this award is going to.

My vote for Worst Actress goes to… Lindsay Lohan. Her performance was the least of I Know Who Killed Me‘s problems, but even the movie’s smallest problems were fucking huge.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Lindsay Lohan. The fix is in.

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Actor

The Nominees Are…
Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider, National Treasure: Book of Secrets and Next
Jim Carrey, The Number 23
Cuba Gooding, Jr., Daddy Day Camp and Norbit
Eddie Murphy (as Norbit), Norbit
Adam Sandler, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Again, why waste time here? Everybody reading this knows who deserves this award. Nobody else is even in the running.

My vote for Worst Actor goes to… Eddie Murphy, finally in the category he’s actually eligible for.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… Eddie Murphy. Was there ever any doubt?

 

Caption contributed by Albert

Worst Picture

The Nominees Are…
Bratz
Daddy Day Camp
I Know Who Killed Me
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Norbit

It should be clear by now which movies were actually painful, and which were merely mediocre. Of these five, true suffering was brought on by Norbit and Daddy Day Camp. (I Know Who Killed Me was awful, but for me, sheer camp value kept it out of the running for this award.)

So, it came down to a philosophical question. Which is the worse comedy: The aggressively unfunny, deliberately painful, hateful, and grotesque display of every gender and racial stereotype that’s ever existed? Or the movie apparently made by the walking dead, the film that is utterly devoid of any scene, any action, any scrap of dialogue that has not been seen in a thousand other movies? In other words, is it better to fight the urge to vomit, or to fight the urge to slip into a coma?

In the end, I couldn’t answer this question. For the sake of this award, it really doesn’t matter. We all know who’s going to win, and any vote to the contrary is irrelevant.

My vote for Worst Picture goes to… It has no chance in hell of winning, but Daddy Day Camp got my vote, because in the end, the worst film truly is a boring film. Norbit was horrifying me at every turn, but I’d watch it twenty times in a row to avoid the frontal lobotomy that is Daddy Day Camp.
But I predict the Razzie will go to… I Know Who Killed Me, all the way. You tried your best, Norbit, and you almost pulled an Obama to I Know Who Killed Me‘s Hillary. But in the end, nothing could stop the manifest destiny of Lindsay Lohan picking up this award with her bionic arm.

So there you have it. The Razzies will be given out later this morning at 10am West Coast time in Santa Monica, California. I will be sound asleep at that time, dreaming of all the winners I correctly guessed. Once the awards are announced, I’ll update this article with the final tally.

 

Update! – February 23, 2008

Here are the official winners, just announced on the Razzies website.

Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie: (New Category!) I Know Who Killed Me

Worst Screenplay: Jeffrey Hammond, I Know Who Killed Me (MISS! I predicted Norbit)

Worst Director: Chris Siverston, I Know Who Killed Me

Worst Prequel or Sequel: Daddy Day Camp (MISS! I predicted Hostel Part II)

Worst Remake Or Rip-off: I Know Who Killed Me

Worst Screen Couple: Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

Worst Supporting Actress: Eddie Murphy (as Rasputia), Norbit

Worst Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy (as Mr. Wong), Norbit (MISS! I said Rob Schneider)

Worst Actress: Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy (as Norbit), Norbit

Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me

So, when all was said and done, I predicted 8 out of the 11 winners. That’s pretty damn good, especially because I doubt anyone could have predicted the nearly complete shut out by Norbit and I Know Who Killed Me, nor that I Know Who Killed Me would set a new Razzie record for most awards won by a single film (well, sort of. They used creative Razzie math).

Also, I’d like to point out that even though I failed to correctly predict the Worst Prequel or Sequel award, the movie that I voted for, Daddy Day Camp, actually won. So, all in all, a relatively satisfying year at the Razzies.

But that’s not the end of it. Come back in a couple of weeks or so, when I present a complete blow-by-blow account of my own personal hell of watching these movies, otherwise known as Razzie Weekend 2008 Razzie Month 2008!

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