Razzie Predictions 2007 (Take 2)

Razzie Predictions 2007

Just as I promised, here’s my second attempt at predicting the Razzie nominations for 2007. In the month or so since I posted my first attempt, I spent a lot of time scouring the web to see what was being said about the worst films of 2007, and incorporating all of it into these new and improved predictions. Many thanks go out to all those unfortunate souls who paid to see these movies in the theater. Which, for the most part, did not include me.

Yeah, I haven’t seen most of the films I’ll be talking about here. Hey, if I’m going to accurately predict the Razzies, I have to put myself in the mindset of a typical Razzie voter, don’t I? When it comes to predicting awards for bad movies, I am a staunch follower of the Method.

The article continues after this advertisement...

For those who still don’t know, the Razzies are like the anti-Oscars, an awards ceremony dishonoring the lowest achievements in cinema from the previous year. In keeping with their whole theme of being Oscar’s evil twin, the Razzie nominations are announced one day prior to the Academy Award nominations, and the “winners” are announced the Sunday before the Oscar telecast (assuming there is one this year). So, in 2008, the Razzie nominations will be announced on January 21, meaning that the nomination ballots have already been sent out.

I want to make it absolutely clear that I haven’t seen the nomination ballot. Even though I certainly could have. This is because a copy of it is currently sitting in my email inbox. Yep, I finally ponied up the cash, and you are now reading the website of an Official Razzie™ Member. Considering that outside of my day job, I pretty much eat, sleep, and breathe bad movies, I think it was only inevitable. I doubt you’ll see me attending the actual ceremony, however. Unless the heavens part, and Jessica Alba shows up in person to accept her award. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The point is, I have the list of potential noms, but I promised myself I wouldn’t look at it until I posted my final, official predictions. Sneaking a peek at the ballot would just be cheating. Of course, I will be looking at it just as soon I’m done with these predictions, so I hope you don’t mind if I blow through this as quickly as possible so I can go check that out.

(Regardless, this is all just a prelude to my own personal Razzie Weekend 2008. You may recall Razzie Weekend 2007, which happened roughly two months too late. This year, I’ll do what I originally intended to do last year, before I got snowed under at work, which is to watch all of the Razzie-nominated films prior to the awards ceremony, and then choose my picks to win in each category. And I’ll either pull that off in a single weekend, or die trying. So these predictions are really just my way of mentally preparing myself for what I’ll have to endure sometime next month.)

One last thing to note before I get to the actual predictions: This year, the Razzies are adding a new category in honor of this year’s glut of awful horror films. It’s called Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie, and I assume it replaces last year’s ad hoc “Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment” category. (Nope, I didn’t cheat on this one, honest; this information is easily found on the Razzie web site.) This of course made me rethink a lot of my nominations from last time, because if horror movies are getting their own category, they may be less likely to show up as nominees in other categories.

So with all that in mind, let’s do this.

WORST PICTURE

Comments: The hate is strong and solid against these five contenders, believe me. Other than Bratz, I’d be shocked if any of these films fail to reach the Worst Picture inner circle. Epic Movie, released all the way back in January of 2007, was an early favorite to clinch the Razzie, and it’s only gained momentum since then. Norbit came out in February, and was another early contender that somehow stuck around. So I guess these things are getting decided earlier and earlier each year. It’s just like the presidential race!

Caption contributed by Albert

Strangely enough, this is the “after” picture from the Jenny Craig ad.

And you can forget what I said last time around about Georgia Rule getting nominated in this category. It’s I Know Who Killed Me, all the way.

WORST ACTOR

Comments: Murphy has this one in the bag. I feel pretty good about my choices for this list of nominees, but I know the bottom four cannot even touch Eddie Murphy in terms of votes. He should just start working on his acceptance speech now. Eddie is this year’s Helen Mirren.

(While not really related to any of his films, he might also earn the nomination partly for that whole “dumping the mother of his child for someone hotter, then refusing to see his daughter” thing he did last year. 2007 really was a banner year for Eddie Murphy.)

Caption contributed by Albert

“She doesn’t have a penis, I swear!”

WORST ACTRESS

Comments: Once again, one of these potential nominees has it all locked up. Can you guess who?

So, the Razzie is Lindsay Lohan’s, to come and pick up any time she wants. I understand that of late, she’s made real efforts to get her life back in order, firing her fame-whore manager mother, and so forth. But she still deserves this award for her out of control behavior last year, and as we all know, the first step in getting back into the good graces of the industry is bending over and taking your Razzie like a woman. Just ask Halle Berry. I doubt Lindsay will be accepting her award in person, however. I don’t think she’s gotten to the “self-effacement” step in her 12-step program yet. (Of course, no sooner do I write all that, then I find video of Lindsay drinking on New Year’s Eve.)

As for the four runner-ups listed above, I will say the scorn for these actresses, while negligible on the Lohan Scale, is still undeniable. Personally, I would not nominate Halle Berry (who did accept her 2004 Razzie in person, after all) or Sandra Bullock (who was the best thing about Premonition) but alas, these nominations are not selected by me. Well, they are, but they’re not. Not really.

A dishonorable mention goes out to Hilary Swank (The Reaping, P.S. I Love You), who should start some kind of “Cursed by Oscar” recovery group with Halle and Cuba.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Comments: A few actors are new to this list from my last round of predictions. First we have poor Jon Voight. Oh Jon, how could I have forgotten about you? With no fewer than four critically reamed performances in one year, he might just set a modern-day Razzie record. Let’s face it, the guy has long since gone into Paycheck Mode. I mean, he was in Karate Dog and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, for god’s sake. He’s also a Repeat Offender here at the Agony Booth, for Anaconda and that super-lame reincarnation movie. By all rights, this award should be his, and god willing, it will be.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Maybe this map of celebrity homes can tell me where my daughter lives!”

Regardless of who wins, Wild Hogs will dominate this category in nominations. It was made for this category. With four massive egos (Travolta, Lawrence, Allen, and William H. Macy) all stuffed into one movie, it’s damn near impossible to figure out who was the “lead”. By default, they’re all supporting actors.

After Voight and McMahon (another certainty), there were only three slots left. Someone from the Wild Hogs Repertory Company had to be left out, so I picked Macy, the only one who’s actually made decent films in the last five years. Although, I can’t say how long the good will’s going to last.

Caption contributed by Albert

“While you were still learning to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies!”

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Comments: Slammed repeatedly for her performance in Pirates, Knightley may have the lock on this, but I’m not prepared to make that call just yet. That’s because, as it turns out, Jessica Biel does belong on this list. From everything I’ve read, you’ve probably seen better acting in high school plays than Biel in Chuck & Larry and Next. Picking a fifth nominee to round out the list was tough, but I settled on Julianne Moore, who by all accounts gives an uncharacteristically wooden performance in Next.

Caption contributed by Albert

Last year, she dressed up as Gigli.

WORST DIRECTOR

  • Joel Schumacher, The Number 23
  • Fred Savage, Daddy Day Camp
  • Oliver Hirschbiegel, with an unasked-for assist from the Wachowski Brothers, The Invasion
  • Michael Lehmann, Because I Said So
  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Epic Movie

Comments: Okay, Christmas has passed, but please, Razzie voters, I’ll accept a late holiday present in the form of a Razzie for Joel Schumacher. Regardless of the winner, Schumacher seems to be guaranteed a nomination. I know he’s tried over the past ten years to redeem himself after Batman & Robin, with Oscar bait like Tigerland and Veronica Guerin, but let’s face facts: even his well-received movies aren’t that great. I enjoyed Falling Down for the most part, but it’s far from a modern classic.

Savage, Lehmann, Friedberg, and Seltzer remain on this list for all the reasons I enumerated in Take 1 of this article. To wit:

  • Savage is a former child actor who couldn’t coax decent performances out of child actors.
  • Lehmann made Hudson Hawk, and ever since then, the Razzies have been just waiting for him to slip into their crosshairs again.
  • Friedberg and Seltzer… Well, do I really need to explain this one?

New to the list this time around is Oliver Hirschbiegel. How bad and confusing is the ending of your movie when they bring on the directors of The Matrix Revolutions (probably the most confusing movie of the last five years) to shoot a new twist ending? The mind does boggle.

WORST SCREENPLAY

  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Epic Movie
  • Jeff Hammond, I Know Who Killed Me
  • Eddie Murphy & Charles Q. Murphy, Norbit
  • Todd Komarnicki & Jon Bokenkamp, Perfect Stranger
  • Fernley Phillips, The Number 23

Comments: I’m still focusing on movies where the script was the primary problem, those films where you can tell the screenwriter thought he was a lot cleverer than he actually is. But I’m willing to concede that Norbit will get a nod here, mainly because Eddie Murphy wrote the script. You could almost overlook his participation in Norbit if he was just doing it for the money. But, no. It turns out the whole horrible thing was his idea.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

  • Eddie Murphy and EITHER Eddie Murphy OR Eddie Murphy, Norbit
  • Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me
  • Adam Sandler and Kevin James, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
  • Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, Good Luck Chuck
  • Cedric the Entertainer and Nicollette Sheridan, Code Name: The Cleaner

Comments: Nothing new, here, really. I’ve heard varying reports of whether or not Lohan actually appears in a scene with herself in I Know Who Killed Me. But honestly, I don’t think it really matters. She’s guaranteed a nomination here, either way.

I had a tough time rounding out my list of nominations in this category. But once I learned that a movie exists where Cedric the Entertainer and Nicollette Sheridan have a sex scene, I knew that Code Name: The Cleaner at least deserved a mention.

Caption contributed by Albert

The rejected cover for John and Yoko’s Milk and Unfunny.

WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF

Comments: It takes some skill to get lifted out of the more appropriate Worst Prequel or Sequel category, but Are We Done Yet? achieves that rare feat. By this point, I don’t think anyone even remembers (or cares) that there was a film called Are We There Yet?

And yes, I do realize that a lot of people liked Transformers. But I have a feeling it’ll be on the nomination ballot, and if it is, it’s a shoo-in for a nom, based solely on anti-Michael Bay sentiment alone.

A dishonorable mention goes to Dead Silence, a rip-off of the Anthony Hopkins killer ventriloquist dummy movie Magic.

WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL

Comments: Most of these are certainties—I put Hannibal Rising on the list because hey, somebody’s got to represent for the prequels in ’07, right? But I’m rolling the dice on the Elizabeth sequel. While it certainly seems like a Razzie-worthy film, has enough of the Razzie voting base actually seen it?

Caption contributed by Albert

“All I said was, tell me what you don’t like about yourself.”

WORST EXCUSE FOR A HORROR MOVIE

Comments: I think we all know it’ll be mostly torture porn in this new category. And that’s just the way it should be. I know that technically speaking, movies like I Know Who Killed Me and The Invasion could be considered horror. However, if one of those movies was actually nominated and won in this all-new category, it would be more embarrassing than Jethro Tull winning the first-ever Grammy for Best Heavy Metal Performance.

And those are my final, permanent, official predictions. Until I change my mind, of course.

I’m not sure exactly how I’ll carry on doing these predictions, once I actually see the nomination ballot. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, or take away one of the perks of being a Razzie member by publishing their entire nomination ballot. Maybe next time around, I’ll just mention the predictions that I got wrong. Or maybe I’ll spotlight some of the films and performances that I feel were unfairly included (or unfairly overlooked) in the nomination process.

Okay, now I’m going to go check out the nomination ballot and cast my votes for the 2007 Razzies. This oughta be fun.

You may also like...