Paula Deen will start her own food network! (No word on hookers or blackjack)

Paula Deen today

If Food Network doesn’t want to be in the Paula Deen business, fine, then Paula Deen doesn’t need them anyway! She’s starting her own food network… lower-case “f” and lower-case “n”…  right here on the worldwide web.

Yes, the diabetic butter queen is following in Sarah Palin’s footsteps with her own internet-based TV channel. And she’s secured all the rights to her old Food Network shows so there’ll be plenty of sugar-filled content right off the bat. (No word what Paula paid for all her Food Network leftovers, but I suspect the network valued them somewhere between an already-been-chewed piece of gum and a flour bag full of mice droppings.)

Where else would Paula announce her new media endeavor than NBC’s The Today Show, where she drove the final nail into the coffin of her old career last year. Of course, the once-and-future celebrity chef was an entirely different woman back then:

“I didn’t recognize that woman,” Deen emoted. “That was a woman in trauma — in, I would say shock, trying to understand what had happened. And, the cold hard fact is I probably should not have been here — I probably should have been at home, maybe even under the care of a doctor.”

Poor Paula. She’s the real victim here. Let’s all pray that she got the medical help she needed.

Besides, Deen had a very good reason why she was “in shock” that fans and sponsors wouldn’t respond well to her admission in a court deposition that the n-word occasionally escaped her lips:

“Because I was confused as to the length of time since those words had been part of a language. I had a hard time understanding because it had been 30 years,” Deen explained.

See, 30 years ago—the early 1980s—that naughty word would have been perfectly acceptable language for a sweet Southern belle to use. Ah, the Reagan era. Such an innocent time. No one had any idea the n-word might be considered rude.

The ad-free online cooking channel costs about $96 per year or $9.99 a month, similar to the Sarah Palin Channel. The official launch is tomorrow morning—Wednesday, Sept. 24. Volume-wise, it’ll actually start out with a lot of content. Food Network says it handed over something like 440 episodes of Paula Deen’s various cooking shows, including an entire season of one show that had yet to air when Paula’s casual racism came to light.

Of course, it’s not Paula’s own money she’s gambling with here.

The Paula Deen Network is backed by $100 million in funding from Phoenix-based investor Jahm Najafi.

So she’s got that going for her, which is nice.

Before we wrap this article up, would you like to play the victim one last time, Paula?

“I don’t know that woman and when I see things like that I’ll run from the room, because I don’t know her. I’ve been through several traumatic experiences, like every woman out there in the home.”

Ah, that’s the stuff. You’re every woman, Paula.

Every racist, bitter, old, entitled woman.

Full video of this morning’s interview, courtesy of NBC:

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