Once Upon a Time: No One Dies Like Gaston . . . (S5:Ep17 RECAP)
Love is in the air in the Underworld, Oncers. Flowers are blooming! Lost loves are being reunited. Ladies are getting naked!
But lest ye be fooled, all is not rosey in the Gateway to Hell, where one of our heroes is forced to commit murder (sort of?) in the NAME OF LOVE!
Let’s review, shall we?
Belle: Best Friend to Baby Ogres!
Once upon a time, Belle’s dad pimps her out to the hunter Gaston, in hopes that the two of them could get married, and Gaston’s army could save Belle’s kingdom from ogres. Belle is none too pleased about the whole “being pimped out thing,” but agrees to go on a date with Gaston, anyway. That date consists of the two of them basically just wandering around the forest, which, pretty much, makes Belle the cheapest date ever.
During the date, Gaston hears a noise he attributes to a creature he can hunt and kill. This causes him to get a massive boner, and leave Belle all alone in the middle of the forest, so that he can go and get his animal murder rocks off. In case you are wondering, this is pretty much the modern day equivalent of your boyfriend leaving you downstairs in a house, while it is being robbed, so that he can go up to his bedroom and play the old school video game, Duck Hunt.
Even though Gaston is supposed to be like The Best Hunter Ever, he runs in the complete opposite direction of the creature, a baby ogre that Belle locates herself. Gaston is all, “Let’s bring the baby ogre back to the kingdom, so our people can torture it into giving us intel about its big ogre family members. (In case you were wondering, Baby Ogres in Once Land vaguely resemble that Smeagol character from Lord of the Rings. This is not at all important to the story. It’s just something that I found interesting.)
Belle doesn’t believe in the torture of babies, even babies that look like Smeagol, so she entreats Gaston to bring the Ogre to a safe place, while they try to find something magic to ascertain its true intentions. While they are searching, Belle gives Gaston a copy of her favorite book, My Handsome Hero. In response, Gaston pretends he actually knows how to read, and accepts the gift, because he thinks it will help him get into Belle’s pants.
Belle then heads off to find this mirror with the power to determine whether or not the person looking into it is an asshole. When she returns home, Gaston claims the baby ogre attacked him, and escaped. This story instantly seems fishy, because, Gaston is (supposedly) big and strong, and eats five dozen eggs a day, which means he has the highest cholesterol levels on the planet, while Baby Ogre has all the muscle tone of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.
Anywhoo, Gaston uses Baby Ogre’s escape as an excuse to set off the lynch mob on its ass.
At the potential lynching, Belle focuses the mirror on Gaston, and figures out that he’s an asshole, something most of us figured out the minute he left her alone in the woods to die, while he went off to suck badly at hunting something. Belle then throws herself in front of the Baby Ogre to save its life, so that it can go on to star in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. A book nerd, through and through, that Belle!
And yet, despite all this, Belle still agrees to marry Asshole Gaston, because he’s better looking than the Ogre she will have to marry if the Ogres take over the kingdom, which is what they will do, if Gaston’s army can’t stop them.
Day Dream Believer
While snoozing on a rooftop, Emma has a disturbing dream that involves her taking her name off a tombstone using magic (A bottle of white out probably would have been easier), getting interrupted by a tornado, and then watching as some unseen beast murders her mom, Snow White.
Upon waking, Emma immediately tries to recreate everything that happened in her dream, except for the mommy dies part, and then acts surprised when her mother’s life is placed in mortal danger. (If I recall, that’s the actual definition of stupidity, right? Doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results.)
Here’s a philosophical question that will make your brain hurt. If Emma’s dream showed her the future, and she used that information in the dream to figure out how to cast the spell to remove the names from the tombstones, who showed the Emma from the dream how to cast the spell?
In the end, the threat to Snow’s life turned out not to be a threat at all, it was merely Little Red Riding Hood in wolf form? But that, of course, begs a few questions: How did Red die? What’s her unfinished business? Why is she so important to the story that Emma is having dreams about her, when she hasn’t played an integral role in a Once storyline since Season 1? And most importantly, wouldn’t a woman who spends half her life as a wolf have more body hair?
That must be one heck of a waxing job!
Exes and Oh Nos!
Speaking of people who keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, Belle once again pleads with her Dark One husband to not do Evil Crap to protect their unborn baby from Hades. Oh, don’t get Belle wrong, he should definitely do whatever it takes to protect their unborn baby, but only if “whatever it takes” could not be considered “Evil Crap” under any circumstances Rumpel thinks Belle is being a wee bit hypocritical about the whole “evil crap” thing. He surmises that when it comes down to Death of Baby and Evil Crap, Belle would choose Evil Crap every day and twice on Sunday.
I sense a life lesson coming about “ends justifying means” folks . . .
Elsewhere in the Underworld, Hades is super bummed to find flowers growing in his hopeless town of death, destruction, and ridiculously bad CGI hair. This growth symbolizes hope among the residents of the Underworld, and Hades hates hope, as much as most people hate getting root canals.
So Hades pays a visit to Gaston, who now works at an animal shelter cleaning up dog poop, which is a fitting punishment for an animal killer, but an unfair punishment for the dogs . . . He offers Hades special arrows he can use to murder Rumpel and get his revenge on him for the whole “Dude turned me into a FRIGGIN ROSE” thing.
Gaston tries to shoot Rumpel with the arrow and fails, because let’s face it, in addition to being illiterate, and an asshole with high cholesterol, who now consistently smells like dog poop, he’s also a lousy shot. “Why did my ex boyfriend just try to kill you?” Belle wonders out loud, even though the answer should be kind of obvious by now, seeing as how Rumpel has been at least indirectly responsible for the deaths of most, if not all, of the characters on this show.
“I kind of turned him into a flower,” Rumpel mutters under his breath.
“Is that a euphemism for gay sex? Because, if it is, I’d be totally cool with that.” Belle wonders briefly, before putting two and two together.
Upon snooping through Gaston’s stuff, Belle finds her My Handsome Hero book and thinks that Gaston’s unfinished business that landed her in the Underworld was that he luuuuuuuuuuuved her so much. (Not that it could possibly have something to do with the fact that being turned into a rose is the absolute least manly way to die, apart from wearing a tutu and falling off a stage while belting out the lyrics to Britney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”)
Upon confronting Gaston about this, Gaston admits to Belle that he actually hates her guts for trying to make him into a better person, which basically resulted in him going to Beast’s house to “work things out,” getting turned into a rose and dying. Belle’s book is merely there to mock him for sucking at women, and sucking harder at life.
Hmmm . . . Evil Crap is starting to look like a much more attractive option to Belle, now that it seems certain that Gaston will try (and fail miserably) to kill the father of her child. Fortunately, Hades has a deal for Belle: Let Gaston and Rumpel duke it out, and let the man who sucks the least win, which is obviously Rumpel, because, even though Gaston is pretty, he’s kind of a loser. If Belle does this, Hades promises to not take her baby away.
Belle initially appears to be sold on this idea, even going as far as to support her husband, as he prepares for battle. However, when it actually appears that Rumpel is going to kill Gaston, Belle compels him not to do so, using the Dark One Sword.
Seconds later, however, Gaston again tries to murder Rumpel. Acting fast, Belle rushes to her husband’s aid, just as she did earlier for the baby ogre, only this time, her act of heroism winds up also being an act of spermy-ism, as she inadvertently pushes Gaston into the “become a giant sperm” river, killing him . . . again.
“That bad news is you are now a murderer just like me,” muses Rumpel. “The good news is that guy was useless, anyway. Also now that he’s dead, our baby is safe. Hooray!”
“Not so fast, Rumpel” explains Hades. “The deal was for YOU to kill Gaston, as you let your girlfriend do your dirty work, so I still get to keep your kid!”
“I’m hoping the Bad CGI Hair is a recessive genetic trait.”
“Dammit! Foiled again, by the guy with stupid hair,” mutter Belle and Rumpel simultaneously.
“Oh, hey look. That Flower Symbolizing Hope died! I’m going to give it to my girlfriend Zelena, in hopes that she’ll love it so much, she’ll let me de-flower her. Get it? A dead flower, in exchange for a de-flowering? That’s funny, right?” Hades asks hopefully.
Rumpel and Belle only glare at him in response.
“Wow. Tough room,” responds Hades.
Zelena, however, adores her dead foliage gift, but only because all the boyfriends she had before Hades were Flying Monkeys and their idea of showering their lover with gifts was flinging poop in their faces . . .
Like I said, my dearies, love is in the air! Until next time, folks.