May 8, 2017
Once Upon a Time: DIE, MAGIC, DIE! (Season 5 Finale Recap)
The war on magic starts today, folks! Until we decide that we actually like magic. Then, the war on magic ends. And we start a war against something else . . . people with multiple personality disorder, I think. Also, vanilla ice pops. We hate vanilla ice pops!
The Season Finale of Once has finally arrived! And all of your burning questions can now be answered. Like, what are they going to do with all those side storybook characters, who no longer have any relevance to the story? Who is going to be next season’s Big Bad? And where does Regina hide her fabulous Evil Queen outfits, now that she’s a “good person?”
All that and more, coming right up . . .
Whose Got Two Thumbs and a Not-Dead Boyfriend? THIS GIRL!
At the after party for Robin Hood’s funeral, Emma struggles to gently break the news to Regina that one of their respective boyfriends might not be quite as dead as the other. (Spoiler Alert: Emma’s boyfriend is the less-dead one.)
“Maybe when I see her on the street, I could just run and hide,” suggests Hook helpfully. “Not forever, just like for the next two seasons, or however, long it takes the writers to give Regina a new boyfriend.”
“Or, every time she walks by, I can pretend to be a statue of myself. She’ll never know the difference.”
“That could work,” muses Emma.
Two seconds later, there’s a lightning storm in Storybrooke. And because Captain Hook is super afraid of lightening, he runs right into the funeral after party, and pretty much stands right in front of Regina’s face with a neon flashing “I’m alive, and your boyfriend is not, nah-nah, nah-nah, boo-boo,” sign over his head.
To this, Emma responds, shaking her head, “You had one job, Hook! One job!”
Because Portals are Like a Box of Chocolates: There Are Always a Few Really Crappy Ones Hidden in There
As it turns out, the aforementioned lightening storm was caused by Rumpel, who is using the vanilla ice pop to make more magic, so he could wake up Belle from her sleeping curse, since Belle’s dad refuses to make out with her. Such a jerk, that Belle’s dad! A good dad would make out with his daughter in a heartbeat! Wait, that came out wrong . . .
(A word on the Olympian Crystal / vanilla ice pop. I read that a lot of you folks on the message boards are calling it a dildo, which, I must admit, is funnier than calling it a vanilla ice pop . . . except for the fact that it’s all jagged edged and pointy, which would make it a rather painful dildo. I mean have any of you ever tried to . . .nevermind. I’m just going to stick to calling it a vanilla ice pop. Thank you very much!)
Our heroes figure out that Rumpel is somehow tethering all of Storybrooke’s magic to the vanilla ice pop, in order to wake Belle. They fear that after he does this, he will then use that magic to hurt the good people of Storybrooke . . . possibly by making them all use pointy dildos, or something equally awful.
To prevent this from happening, our heroes ship all the extra characters they don’t need anymore (like Merida, and Robin Hood’s merry men, and poor orphaned Roland Hood,) through the portal to No Longer on this Show, which is good. But then something goes wrong with the portal. And it accidentally sends the Charmings, Zelena, and Hook to Still On the Show, But in Someplace Really Shitty, which is bad.
New York City: Where Magic and Affordable Real Estate Go to Die
In hindsight, our heroes were probably a bit hasty in shipping off their extras, and accidentally beaming themselves to Still on the Show, But in Someplace Really Shitty. What they don’t know is that Henry and his new girlfriend Violet have taken it upon themselves to use Henry’s author powers to steal the vanilla ice pop right out from under Rumpel. Now, the young lovers have skipped town, and plan to use that ice pop to destroy the magic that keeps murdering everybody’s boyfriends on the show!
Rumpel informs Emma and Regina that if Henry destroys magic, Storybrooke will cease to exist, and all the characters left there who didn’t portal to either No Longer on the Show or Still on the Show, But in Someplace Really Shitty will die. So, of course, Emma wants to find Henry and stop him from doing this. Regina wants to come with her. But Emma fears that Regina will end up doing something crazy and Evil Queeny because the latter is still sad about the whole Dead Boyfriend thing, which basically happened about five minutes ago in show time.
At first, Regina and Emma think that Henry went to destroy magic in Boston. But then they realize that he actually went to destroy magic in New York, because fake sets that look absolutely nothing like New York City are way cheaper to make than fake sets that look absolutely nothing like Boston.
Rumpel follows Henry and Violet to New York too, so he can get back the vanilla ice pop and use it to wake Belle, before Henry can destroy it, and/or try to use it as a dildo.
At a place that looks nothing like the main branch of the New York Public Library, Henry and Violet conveniently find a black cup that looks kind of like the Holy Grail. The Holy Grail, if you recall, was the cup from a few seasons back, that, if people drank from it, it caused them to either become immortal, or turn into a giant fart.
Henry breaks a glass in the library to steal the cup. And no one seems to notice or care that he committed a major crime, nor will he pay any consequences for doing this at any time during the episode. Never mind the fact that the librarian who led him to the “rare book room” where the Black Version of the Holy Grail was located will absolutely recognize him, because she said to him, and I quote. “No one has been up here in ages. Everyone who comes to the library now is only into YA books.”
(Yeah, that was her actual line. I wish I was kidding. For your Emmy consideration, folks!)
Shortly thereafter, Rumpel comes to the rare book room . . . but only after he checked out the entire Twilight series, and a bunch of self-published Harry Potter fanfictions in which Voldemort and Hermione Granger became a couple. Rumpel easily disarms Henry and Violet and takes back the vanilla ice pop, but not the Black Version of the Holy Grail, even though its obviously a magical object that could be of equal or greater use to him than the vanilla ice pop, because Plot.
Rumpel, then checks into a fancy hotel room, where he again tries to do some voodoo with the vanilla ice pop to wake Belle up, but again, is unsuccessful in doing so. (Honestly, I’m not sure why he wasted so much money on a room, not to mention the $100 tip he left room service, when he could have failed in his magic trick outside for free. It’s New York City. People do weird stuff with vanilla ice pops that slightly resemble dildos in public all the time, and no one bats an eyelash. But more on that later . . .)
Then, Regina and Emma come to the hotel, and attempt to take the vanilla ice pop back from Rumpel. So Rumpel tries to hurt Regina and Emma. But Henry intervenes to steal the vanilla ice pop AGAIN, pair it with the black version of the Holy Grail, and destroy magic once and for all . . . or at least for the next two minutes.
The Land of Untold Stories
Meanwhile, the Charmings, Zelena and Hook arrive at Still on the Show, but Someplace Shitty. A nerdy gardener is there, and he seems really afraid of this guy he calls “The Warden.” We figure out why when this other dude comes out, tasers all our heroes, and puts them in a cage. As it turns out, Taser Guy is not the warden. Eventually, the real Warden shows up. He has really bloodshot eyes, hates Rumpelstiltskin, and thinks our heroes are working for old Rumpy.
Later, the gardener comes back, claims that he’s actually a scientist, and offers to help the heroes escape from The Warden, by helping to rebuild Zelena’s wand, which was crushed during the whole tasing incident. However, while the kindly gardener / scientist in the process of doing this, we learn that he and The Warden are actually the SAME PERSON, despite the fact that they look absolutely nothing alike. It’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, naturally.
Look, it’s the Kool-Aid man!
At first, Mr. Hyde is against Dr. Jekyll helping the heroes, taking the serum that will separate him from Mr. Hyde for good, and leaving with the heroes to start a new life in Storybrooke. But then Mr. Hyde realizes that, in order to be the Big Bad of Season 6, HE HAS TO GO TO STORYBROOKE TOO! So, Mr. Hyde actually allows Dr. Jekyll to succeed in taking a serum that will split his multiple personality disorder into two entirely different people. This actually kind of defeats the entire purpose of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but whatever.
The only problem is that with magic destroyed by Henry, our heroes are now kind of stuck where they are in Still on the Show But Someplace Shitty, or are they?
Just Believe the Crazy Teen Standing on Top of a Lion Statue Telling You About Magic
Upon learning that destroying magic will basically end this television series, Henry conveniently decides that he doesn’t hate magic anymore. In fact, he loves it so much! So, he, Violet, Rumpel, Emma and Regina all go to this Asian Herbalist guy known as the Dragon for magical advice. Dragon tells them, “If you build it, they will come.”
No wait . . . that was James Earl Jones’ advice from Field of Dreams, but the sentiment here is the same.
Henry and the fam go to this fountain that doesn’t at all actually exist in front of the New York Public Library and throw coins in it while wishing to be reunited with their families. When that doesn’t work, Henry stands on top of a Lion Statue and starts ranting and raving to a bunch of New Yorkers about how magic is really really real, all they have to do is believe it.
Now, anyone who has actually been in New York City knows that having some crazy kid ranting and raving to you about the existence of magic, or the coming of the apocalypse, or that Rice Krispies are going to come to life and eventually murder us all, is not all that unusual. I mean, this shit happens daily. So, Real New Yorkers learn to just stare straight ahead, avoid direct eye contact with these people, and continue on about their days.
Fortunately for Henry, everyone who happened to be near the fake New York Public Library at the time of his ranting and raving wasn’t a real New Yorker. Rather, they were all tourists traveling to NYC for the weekend from the small neighboring town of Born Yesterday. So, Henry gets all the tourists to throw coins in the fountain and wish for stuff. And all this wishing apparently, brings back magic to the world, and causes the Charmings, Hook, Zelena and their new friend Dr. Jekyll to get immediately transported from Still on the Show, But in Some Place Shitty to Fountain that Doesn’t Exist Near Place That Looks Nothing Like the New York Public Library! Hooray!
And then, everyone lived Happily Ever After . . . or, at least, they would if there weren’t still about Ten More Minutes Left in the episode . . .
In Which Regina Embraces Her Inner Evil Queen (And by “Embraces” I Mean Pulls Her Out of Her Crotch and Subsequently Murders Her)
Throughout most of the episode, Regina’s been kind of bummed about the fact that she used to be a super villain and serial killer, and never really had to pay for her crimes, apart from having numerous dead boyfriends, having to wear less fashionable clothes, and experiencing a generalized feeling of Survivors Guilt whenever among her new friends, all of whom she attempted to have murdered at least once, throughout the course of the show.
So, rather than dealing with her guilt and taking responsibility for her actions like a rational adult would, Regina takes the easy way out, by taking Dr. Jekyll’s serum. This serum allows our erstwhile hero to remove the Evil Queen from her rental home inside Regina’s crotch, and crush the latter’s heart with her bear hands.
This tactic, of course, fails miserably. Now, not only is the Evil Queen freed from the confines of Regina’s crotch, she’s also completely heartless and out for revenge.
Speaking of folks who should have stayed buried inside the crotches of their better halves, Mr. Hyde somehow brokers a deal with Rumpel, so that he can take all his random new soon-to-be-one-episode-wonder fairytale characters from Still on the Show, but Someplace Shitty and move them to Storybrooke, which, P.S., thanks to Rumpel, Mr. Hyde now rules as . . . I guess . . . Mayor?
So, let that be a lesson to you folks: keep your pointy vanilla ice pop dildos away from your crotch, and your evil multiple personality disorders inside your crotch, where they both belong.
Until next season, Oncers!