Next Food Network Star promises new show to whoever can name more than one Next Food Network Star winner

nextfoodnetworkstar-season10

The Next Food Network Star crowned its latest champion last night, but since ten seasons of this two teaspoons cooking competition/five cups personality contest have resulted in exactly one new Food Network star, who really cares?

Instead, let’s take this opportunity to talk about the only winner to matter, the always excitable Guy Fieri, whose excitement for food never seems to extend to cooking any. It turns out Salon magazine simply does not care for this Guy at all. They call him “the so-called rock-n-roll comfort food king — but more accurately the extremely unhealthy-looking, ear-splitting maniac who thinks he’s fronting a college garage band circa 1995.”

Sounds about right. Let’s hear more:

Let’s break this down. One of my biggest pet peeves is the way local news reporters talk. They deliver news to viewers like we’re all 5-year-olds, with their excessive use of alliteration and disproportionate pauses between words. Guy Fieri has adopted this local-news-reporter intonation and cadence, except Guy is also shouting for some reason. He is incessantly screaming at us to eat concoctions such as beer-battered meatball sandwiches, wrapped in a pizza and deep-fried in lard. What’s for dessert? A sheet cake dipped in pancake batter, dunked in butter frosting and sprinkled with Pop-Tarts.

Damn it. Now I’m hungry.

Food Network > 70% Scripps Network Interactive / 30% Tribune Media Company

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