VIDEO: Next (2007)

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Please welcome to the Agony Booth, Johnny Oldschool, who’s here to review bad movies in his own special way! First up, Johnny looks into his own future and sees Next, the story of a low-rent Las Vegas magician who can inexplicably see two minutes into the future. Based on the novel The Golden Man by Phillip K. Dick, and starring Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore, and Jessica Biel, Next is quite possibly the most poorly written movie Johnny’s ever seen.

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  • edharris1178

    Good stuff, this is one of those bad movies that even I chose to stay far away from.

    • John Sco

      Yeah, this one isn’t one of those “it’s so bad it’s good” movies. It’s just plan bad. But it is pretty fun to see Nick Cage get shot so many times. They should just edit out the rest of the movie and loop that for an hour. I’d pay five bucks to watch that at a theater.

  • John Sco

    Sweet, my debut review on AgonyBooth plays an un-skipable 70 second ad for cookware.

    Well, that’s the end of me.

  • MichaelANovelli

    Jabs at Obama aside, a well-made episode, sir!

    • Johnny Oldschool

      I could have used some of our Canadian politicians, but no one would habe gotten the reference, nor cared. *laughs*.

      “Man the Harper government’s removal of funding from various scientific institutes sucks.”.

      Gah, see, just doesnt have the same ring to it. :p

      • MichaelANovelli

        Well, I understand.  You Canadians just can’t grasp the horror of what was almost the McCain Presidency!  LOL

      • Sofie Liv

         That’s an idea, I’ll put Danish politicans on my wall and see if any-one gets it! No I know. I’ll get a “Christiania” poster.. those whom does get it… I think they would be pleased, and there should be a few people around the world getting that banner. (Red with three yellow dots.)

        Welcome to the site! awesome review and glad to have you here, phew.. I better bring my a-game to my next vidoes, I am starting feeling slightly in-addequite… 

        • Then you’ll be thinking: “Why the hell have I got pictures of politicians on my wall?!” Christiania flag in your background eh? Bringing out your anarchist side Sofie, that’d be good to see.

    • Capt. Harlock

      Yeah, well just how do you feel about President Drone-Strike, now, 6-1/2 years in, Michael?

      Johnny, I laughed really hard at the bowl of beans, garlic croutons, hot-sauce and beer!

      • MichaelANovelli

        My opinion is generally unchanged, thank you. 🙂

  • StevePotter

    You’re on the site now? That’s fantastic!

    • Johnny Oldschool

      Indeed! I’m rather excited. I’ll say to anyone watching this review currently that in subsequent episodes, my sound and lighting issues have been resolved. Amazing what 1000watts of lighting and some blankets hung on the walls can do!

  • Thomas Stockel

    Great review and welcome to The Agony Booth.

    Funny thing is, the most unrealistic part of the movie for me was Nicolas Cage getting lucky with Jessica Biel.

    I think the film could have worked better if they had explained that Jessica Biel’s ability was to augment the abilities of others.  It would not have patched all the plot holes but at least it would have helped.  But I guess that would have meant someone involved in this moving giving a damn.

  • Cristiona

    Eh, I’ve seen much, much worse than Next.  I mean, there’s a lot of garbage out there, even not counting things that never had theatrical releases.

    As for his wildly inconsistent powers, the only thing I can think of, makes use of his lame allusion to quantum physics.  Essentially, if he wants a perfectly accurate prediction, his window is about 2 minutes, which is fine for a lounge act or playing cards.  He can push it further out, but that runs the risk of ever increasing mistakes.  Presumably, running down multiple possibilities further skews things, which is why they were, apparently, about 50 miles from where the bomb was (since the overpressure didn’t turn them into chunky salsa).

    That’s probably more thought than this movie deserves, though.

  • Sathine

    Hmm…one note on the ending, where it’s all a vision. Since Jessica Biel’s character is in those events, maybe he can see everything in the ending because she’s there, as he can see infinite minutes into her future. Not saying it’s a good movie, but maybe that’s the explanation. *shrug*

    Good review, but I thought the various bathroom-related jokes went on too long. Probably just me, though. 😛 Glad to see another good reviewer on the site!

    • John Sco

      *chuckles* Yeah, it definitely went on too long near the end there. But that was partially my intention. *winks*

      • Sathine

        Aaaah, I see. That explains it! XD

  • George Rosenbaum

    Holy Crap! Had no idea you were on the Agony Booth. I’ve been watching for a while, you’ve really got a sense of humor man. I hope you earn some well deserved internet fame!

    • John Sco

      Just got accepted to the site a few days ago. 🙂 Glad to hear I have another person watching me. I think I’m up to 8 now. *chuckles* Thanks for the kind words man. I’ll do my very best to continue to be entertaining for years to come.

  • Dennis Fischer

    Hey Johnny, “The Golden Man” is not a novel, it was a short story written by Philip K. Dick.  It posits a non-sentient alien who sees a few minutes into the future as a way of anticipating potential difficulties.

    • John Sco

      Well poo. I’m an idiot. *laughs* When I write scripts for these, I try not to dig too deeply into the information I use for the intro, because my general style is more about jokes than information, but I guess this is an instance where I should have looked into things a little more deeply. *chuckles* Oh well, live and learn. Thanks for letting me know though.

  • Nucular, huh? Nucular.