The New York Times Wants To Get Rupert Murdoch’s Wizened Member Wet

The New York Times Wants To Get Rupert Murdoch's Wizened Member Wet

Happier times

New York Times reporter Brooks Barnes heard some ladies in their 50s — who, he would like you to know, have had plastic surgery — being terrible. We mean, obviously they are terrible. They are women. In their 50s. And they have had “work.” Also, they are the first people in the history of the world to complain that Christmas shopping can be a bit of a chore, so they are clearly entitled pieces of shit who are hateful and should die. Anyhoo, after these dumb bitches stopped bitching about their bitch life of bitch shopping, they noted that Rupert Murdoch, that dashing fox, was “back on the market.”

“You know, Rupert Murdoch is back on the market,” one woman said. “You should go for him.”

I almost choked on a cocktail peanut. Rupert Murdoch: sexiest man alive?

He is probably correct; since these “women” are objectively the worst, they obviously would be willing to put Rupert Murdoch’s wizened member in their mouths, babymakers, and/or bottoms, for money, and definitely were not playing a rollicking game of “That’s your boyfriend.”

From that point on, Barnes writes a whole column about what Rupert Murdoch should do to get a date, with advice from Patti Stanger (ugh) and Ken Solin, who wrote Act Like A Man, which is not the same as the Steve Harvey triumph Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, which we have not read (or seen the feature film!), so we decline to savage it based on title alone but COME ON.

We at HappyNiceTimePeople.com love love, and also we are not grotesque nightmares of vulgarity and screeches taking human form like Patti Stanger and (presumably) Steve Harvey, whose book, again, we have not read. Also, we are quite good at telling people what to do. So while Barnes may have filled his word count by getting advice from so-called “experts,” we do not need to outsource it. Instead, Rupert Murdoch may take his dating advice straight from our plump and not-yet-filled-with-collagen pre-50s lips:

Learn some Russian.

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[NYT / Dating-World]

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  • Farb

    Rupert is adorable as a pit viper. He should have no trouble getting girls with that physiognomy and his sculpted physique, despite having money. They will mostly love him for his mind.

    • kindness

      Is his mind in his dick or his bank(s)?

  • rmontcal

    “…put Rupert Murdoch’s wizened member in their mouths, babymakers, and/or bottoms, for money…”Oh jeebus…

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    China didn’t work out. Why would Russia be any better?

  • $73376667

    definitely were not playing a rollicking game of “That’s your boyfriend.”

    Ah, high school…Fuck high school.