Nashville Recap: Starring Fake Rick Rubin And The Best Photo Shoot Ever

“Nashville” took a slightly shorter midwinter nap than a lot of shows, only going away for the duration of the Olympics. But this week we’re back and better than ever, or something like that.

Liam has produced Scarlett’s drug-fueled new song and it is good maybe but soon she will crash and burn so do not get cozy with the new Scarlett sound.

Juliette and Avery are still getting it on and Juliette is sorta kinda landing on her feet, as the New York Times loves the new feisty artistic Juliette. Juliette points out that this is Nashville, honey, and no one reads the New York Times. Excellent point.

Juliette and Avery start having some sexytime, but Manager Glenn just wanders in her house and then into her bedroom, because what manager doesn’t, really? Some superproducer with the ridiculous name of Howie V (seriously, show? WTF) wants to work with her and is jetting his way to her, like you do.

Rayna is being all label boss lady and oh here comes Teddy to mope all over everything and announce that Lamar died in his office. TEDDY HE DIED IN YOUR OFFICE BECAUSE YOU LET HIM. Kudos to show for another death, though. Keep killing those ancillary characters off, Nashville. Just leave us Connie Britton and her perfect hair.

Teddy gets to break it to the kids. How many episodes do we think we have to go through before Rayna or one of the kids finds out that Teddy just watched Lamar die?

Oh Christ this new hot superstar producer what the fuck with his talk about spirits guiding the action? We think he is basically supposed to be Rick Rubin and will help Juliette reinvent herself.

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Wouldn’t it have just been easier AND WAY BETTER to have T-Bone Burnett come back and help with the Great Juliette Reinvention of 2014 rather than casting a schlubby guy as fake Rick Rubin?

Gunnar/Zoey/Avery jam session. It’s not bad, though the lyrics are not anything for the ages. Deacon wanders in because he needs a guitar player for his random gig that has come up. Avery says he’ll play guitar, Gunnar says he’ll play drums, Zoey says she’ll sing backup, and we’ve got some fucking Andy Hardy Let’s Put On A Show shit up in here!

Oh hello, Tandy. How about some awkward time where you try to apologize to Rayna and you don’t yet know dad is dead so Rayna just drops that bombshell hard. Tandy goes into maximum cryface.

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Rayna is not having it, y’all. Why would Tandy get her cry on if dad was a murderer? Guess there won’t be any family reunion springing from Daddy’s death.

Time for Teddy to have a press conference to announce the death of Lamar. It’s a weirdly tongue-bathy thing for a dude that was IN PRISON FOR CORRUPTION but magically everything is wiped clean by death.

Scarlett-Liam bonding. Liam has many houses, but no home! Liam is hiding from his own music! Liam and Scarlett are going to slam drinks and sort their shit out. Stars. They’re just like us.

Megan goes to visit Teddy to talk Lamar death. There’s that soft music burbling in the background and the slow halting throaty talk that always means Soon We Will Fall In Love on nighttime soaps. Teddy is never doing away, is he?

Fake Rick Rubin is ready to record Juliette with a giant orchestra and horn section and the whole shebang.

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Oh please oh please oh please let this not suck.

We have feels about this song, people. We are super pro Rick Rubenesque reinvention, but this isn’t really a reinvention as much as just piling one thousand instruments on the original mix of “Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet.” It’s not bad, but it isn’t as special as it could be. T BONE COME BACK.

Liam goes in for the post-drink kiss with Scarlett but awww nawww that is not happening. Sorry Liam.

Time for the Deacon Fun Time Jamboree! Oh wait no it is not, because some really generic country band named Wild Feathers or Wyld Stallyns or something has to play first. Deacon is pissed and wants to bail, but his merry band of musicians says they’ll stick around, which means they’re going to play when there are like 10 people in the bar. They sound good! Zoey gets to sing backup, like she has always dreamed! The crowd does a lot of happy glass raising. Everybody wins.

Howie V (we cannot believe we have to keep typing that) wants Juliette to move to LA and get rid of her country accent. She’s skeptical, but he’s got some pretty big shiny things to dangle in front of her like a Rolling Stone cover. Juliette looks happy. Manager Glenn looks very sad.

Oh my god this photo shoot that Howie V puts together is the greatest thing in the history of this show. Did you ever wonder what Juliette would look like if she was turned into, say, witchy Katy Perry? Wonder no more!

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God bless you, show. This is everything we’ve ever dreamed of. Juliette is a little worried it is weird. IT IS WEIRD JULIETTE YOU ARE STANDING AROUND IN A GRAVEYARD BEING ALL STEVIE NICKS GHOULISH. Sad Manager Glenn is relegated to going to get coffee.

Funeral planning for Lamar is tense as fuck. Rayna is all stony and Tandy is all weepy. You know before the end of this episode Rayna will have a breakdown about it or sing a pretty song at the funeral after she has A Realization.

Sad Manager Glenn is quitting? What the fuck, Glenn? He’s being all noble about how he is dead weight and he has to get out of the way and let Juliette go be a superstar. We do not like this turn of events. We do not really like Howie V turning Juliette into Katy Perry even though it has led to the GREATEST PHOTO SHOOT EVER.

Deacon is all happy about his cool new young band friends, but he forgot to tell his niece that he is hanging out with all her best friends, so we have a scene where she stares meaningfully and sadly through the window of the Bluebird as everyone has fun without her.

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Don’t worry, Scarlett. You’ll be in treatment soon.

Juliette swings by the Bluebird as well to watch Avery and company. We begrudgingly acknowledge that this Gunnar-Zoey-Avery sound is not bad, even though we were highly suspicious of Zoey needing singing attention.

Avery and Juliette are checking out the new Fake Rick Rubin mix of her new song. Avery describes it as “something else,” which is exactly what it is. Avery also talks about how super fun time it is to just chill with his good friends and make good music at the Bluebird. Good lord, are we going to need to wait for a whole new episode for Juliette to have a big revelation that the big Fake Rick Rubin life is not for her?

Deacon swings by Rayna’s place to try to get her to display some emotion other than hostility about Lamar’s death. It isn’t terribly successful.

Hey guess what! Teddy is totally going to confess to Megan that he just watched Lamar die! Does Teddy have no one else to bare his soul to? Megan hangs out with Teddy until 3am and tries to slip into bed without Deacon noticing, but he wakes up. Is she busted? Nope! He wants to talk about how he is going to go to the Lamar memorial. They have a touching moment that is Filled With Guilt for Megan. Megan, we know you are going to sleep with Teddy and good lord no one should sleep with Teddy.

Scarlett spills her heart to Liam about seeing her ex and her other ex and her ex best friend singing with her uncle and now it is time for Scarlett-Liam sexytime. So, Liam hooks up with everyone he produces, right?

Juliette makes Glenn come over to tell him that she does not want to be Katy Perry and she still loves country and she still loves Glenn and we are really glad that arc of realization didn’t have to go into another episode and hopefully we don’t need to see Howie V ever again.

Here we go. Rayna meltdown. Crying, glass smashing, room wrecking. About time. And all she wants are for the lies to stop and they are never going to stop because this is a nighttime soap opera, Rayna. If everyone comes clean, there would be no show, and we still have several episodes left this season, so brace yourself for lies and tears galore.

TV Show: Nashville

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  • Homestar

    The music was pretty good this episode. Maybe once Megan and Teddy have sex they can go away forever, but damn, he’s the father, so probably not. How did Scarlett turn into such a whiny baby? She wouldn’t be alone if she actually decided not to be alone. It’s weird.