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TV Episode Reviews & Recaps
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Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
The Count Jackula Show
Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
Hosted by: Roland Thompson
Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Sybil Pandemic
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
The Movie Skewer
Hosted by: Team Agony Booth
From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
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the agony booth
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) Movie Recap Page 11 of 11
Posted by The Wily Badger Posted on: December 7, 2011
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

We find out that the reason for the guys skydiving out of the building was so that they could drop their parachutes over the eye of Shockwave, because apparently the snipers missed. The snipers who began firing after the jump. So I’m not sure why they were jumping out of the building.

Anyhow, Shockwave gets killed, and we go to Sentinel Prime, still gloating, and watching as Cybertron begins to come into view.

I have two problems with this. First off, this is, as mentioned, a pretty blatant rip-off of what Rassilon did with Gallifrey in the Doctor Who story, “The End of Time”. In that case he was bringing Gallifrey, a planet easily two or three times the mass of Earth, into Earth’s orbit. Sentinel is doing the same with Cybertron.

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The second problem here is: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! The gravitational pull would start destroying both planets very quickly. Yes, Cybertron doesn’t look like it’s very solid, so it probably has a lower mass than Earth, but still! There is no way this plan is even remotely beneficial to either planet, and it’s a really stupid plot idea no matter what franchise is doing it.

While all this has been going on, the Wreckers apparently managed to get Optimus free, because he turns up and starts killing Decepticons left and right. Then he shoots and knocks down what I think is the main pillar, thus stopping the arrival of Cybertron and leaving what looks like one-third of it up in space.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger
Don’t worry, we can send Bruce Willis up to destroy it.

Sentinel drops off the building and the big climactic fight begins between him and Optimus. Meantime, cruise missiles are still heading toward Chicago, and the Decepticons don’t seem to notice. Also, the humans arrive and start shooting at Sentinel and Michael Bay manages to find a way to make this even more like a video game.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger
A screencap from the next Duke Nukem game, coming in 2012! Er... 2013. 2014. 2019?

The cruise missiles hit the various Decepticon ships, making me wonder why they weren’t fired long ago. Then we get one of the stranger shots in the movie: an extended shot of Carly standing out in the open staring forward open-mouthed while things explode. From the look on her face, it’s possible Bay whipped it out while filming her.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger
This shot goes on for nine whole seconds.

Back at the damaged pillar, Sam and Dylan begin a fistfight, because that’s what you want in a movie about giant robots; two humans beating the crap out of each other. As they do this, Carly finds Megatron and reminds him that there’s probably only room at the top for one, and that one would likely be Sentinel. This bit of dime store psychology pays off, but at a tragic cost, for Megatron does go off to stop Sentinel, but kills Carly first. Actually, I lie again. He goes to kill Sentinel but leaves her alive for some reason. Maybe even he wants to fuck her.

In that scene, Carly described Megatron as “Sentinel’s bitch,” which seems about right. In the previous movie he was the Fallen’s bitch. In the first movie, he was out of action for most of the film. Really, throughout this series, Megatron has been one of the most constantly useless, pathetic characters on screen. He’s supposed be this giant menace, but instead he’s, well, just a bitch.

The various fights continue, and Sentinel winds up slicing off one of Optimus’ arms before pinning him to the ground. He says, I kid you not, “There can be only one,” and then as he’s about to waste Optimus, Megatron turns up and starts shooting at him.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger
From bitch to butch.

Dylan and Sam continue to fight, and Sam wins, of course. Bumblebee then destroys the pillar, which causes everything to backfire, sucking Cybertron back into the vortex for some reason.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger
Swirly thing alert!

Over at the bridge, Megatron has beaten five kinds of crap out of Sentinel, and then offers a truce to Optimus who, being the hero, kills him. He then shoots Sentinel in the head, as Sentinel is on his knees begging for mercy. I think that it’s possible that in addition to not fully understanding what robots are, Michael Bay might not fully understand the concept of a hero.

So, that done, everyone reunites, Sam and Carly kiss, Optimus makes a glorious speech, and then, after a brief shot of Simmons kissing Mearing and her having him arrested, our journey is over. Two hours, thirty-four minutes and twelve seconds. Jesus. H. Christ.

There are so many reasons this movie is bad. It’s badly written, badly acted, badly directed. It has massive shifts in tone, huge gaps in logic, even internal logic, the comedy generally doesn’t work, the robot designs on the Decepticons are terrible, their plan to bring Cybertron to Earth is stupid, there’s no reason given by Sentinel as to how the space bridge would have ended the war, the NASA stuff is insulting, there’s way too many human characters who do nothing, Megatron is nothing and Michael Bay appears to have learned absolutely no lessons from the previous movie, aside from not having Skids and Mudflap.

As with the previous film, there are many things that could have been changed to make this a better movie. One of those things is cutting down the run time. That last set of battles lasted nearly an hour. That could have been trimmed down to 30 minutes easy. If you added that to the 15 minutes and 54 seconds I would have edited out earlier, this movie could have lost about 46 minutes of runtime, bringing it in at about 1 hour and 50 minutes or so. That’s not bad. That’s not bad at all. That’s a reasonable length for a movie.

Rumors have begun circulating in the last few weeks about the possibility of another movie or two in the series, possibly with Jason Statham, who has apparently said something along the lines of “Oh, fucking god, no,” because even a man who would work with Uwe Boll must have some limits.

I wouldn’t mind another movie or two, but Michael Bay needs to be kept far, far away. It’s entirely possible to continue with this same continuity, but just change a few things. Bring in Unicron, as I suggested before. Merge Megatron and Sentinel into Galvatron. Bring in the Quintesons, as they could be really interesting. Do something, anything. But start by keeping Michael Bay as far, far away as possible.

And that’s that. Another movie endured.

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