Ed now has a blog! Visit Ed’s Pop Culture Shack, or live to regret it!

[Note from the author: This recap is meant to be a continuation of the King Solomon’s Mines piece, so I would recommend you read that one before continuing.]

At long, long, last I finish off my trilogy of Sharon Stone films that I started in 2010. What can I say? Sometimes, there’s only so much crap you can take, and our entry today is a prime example. Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is based very loosely on the novel bearing the hero’s name, and was shot back-to-back with King Solomon’s Mines. This one has Allan searching for his brother, who’s gone off into deepest Africa in search of a lost city of gold.

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone are back, doing their thing, and for some ungodly reason, James Earl Jones signed on to this piece of shit, which proves once and for all that the original Star Wars trilogy didn’t net him much money. Henry Silva and Cassandra “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark” Peterson also appear, but I can chalk that up to them just being in dire need of work.

The result is a hilariously bad movie, with more remarkably dodgy special effects, some bad acting, and some truly dumb moments, but I don’t want to spoil it for you too soon. I give it 5 out of 10 outlandishly huge axes. Let’s check it out.

As it was with the first film, we begin with a round of Video Box Idiocy™. Apart from the rather desperate copy on the back cover that reeks of a studio exec hoping for at least one asshole to buy the damn thing (does it still count if I picked it up used for five bucks?), there’s also a quote from the Hollywood Reporter that describes the film as “A Bigger-Than-Life Romance Adventure Epic!” I sincerely hope that was preceded by the words “If you want to see...” and followed by “...skip this film and just rent Romancing the Stone!” Otherwise, it means someone at that paper had some dangerously low standards.

Onto the actual film. It’s one of the low points from Cannon’s 1987 output, which is saying quite a bit when your output for the year includes Masters of the Universe, Superman IV, and Death Wish 4: The Crackdown. Sure, they also put out Barfly and American Ninja 2, but those are really the only bright spots from that year. And when American Ninja 2 is neck and neck with a critically acclaimed Oscar-nominated drama starring Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway for your best release of the year, that’s a sign that you’re in some really deep shit.

We begin with a bloodied and battered man, clearly an adventurer of some sort, running through the jungle.

We abruptly cut from the legs of his pursuers to a rather shapelier and attractive pair of legs, as we rejoin Jesse (Sharon Stone) as she makes her way through a train station to pick up a package. She gets it as the Jerry Goldsmith theme blasts (nothing new, they just re-used tracks from the first film), and runs off (no signing off on it with anyone or anything) as the title card comes up.

We cut back to the jungle as our pursued man falls down in the middle of fleeing, before going back to Jessie in a horse-drawn cart speeding down the road. Back in the jungle, the man is hiding behind a tree and has to stifle a scream as a snake slithers over him.

He gives in and screams which alerts his pursuers to his presence. Said pursuers are two rather large natives wearing white hoods. The man runs off, and we cut to our hero Allan (Chamberlain) doing some target shooting for some local native children.

He’s using fresh fruits and vegetables for targets, which goes a long way in explaining the hunger problems in Africa. Think about it; how often would the average adventurer go out, huh? Maybe two times a year? That leaves plenty of time for the senseless slaughter of produce.

The credits play over this, and a credit comes up giving some props to H. Rider Haggard’s “bestselling classic novel” for inspiring the film. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d venture a guess that Mr. Haggard would rather his name be left off of this sorry excuse for a movie. Just a hunch.

Jesse arrives with the package, and it turns out to be a suit, topped off by one of the ugliest jackets I’ve ever seen outside of the ‘70s. They’re planning on getting married, and Jesse wants to do it in the U.S.

We cut back to the jungle (again) as the man being chased is up in a tree. His pursuers pass under the tree, and he slips down only to find them right in front of him.

Before things can get exciting, it’s back to Jesse and Allan, and right about now I find myself wanting to slap the editor in the face. The pursuit would have made for a perfectly acceptable prologue, but intercutting it with something as mundane as what we’ve seen so far just comes off as overcompensating.

Allan tries on the suit and hates it. The village kids seem to agree, and before anything else can happen, the man who was being pursued shows up, near death. He babbles incoherently, and Allan tells Jesse to get him inside, as he spots the men who were chasing him nearby.

Allan takes off after them through the jungle in the suit, and I really feel for Richard Chamberlain here. Doing action stuff in clothes meant for it is difficult enough; with a heavy suit like that he must have been sweating like a pig.

He’s attacked by one of the men and a fight ensues, with the music blaring way louder than it needs to. It feels like they just took bits of action music and dumped them in here, regardless of their appropriateness to the scene.

Allan gets the better of the man by flipping him down an embankment into a lake, and he takes the man’s knife. He goes back to Jesse, and of course, the suit has been ruined.