O, Happy Day: Cool New Religious Motivational Speaker Dude Justin Lookadoo Is Your New Bradlee Dean

O, Happy Day: Cool New Religious Motivational Speaker Dude Justin Lookadoo Is Your New Bradlee Dean

If you frequent our other home for snark on the internet, you know how much mirth Bradlee Dean has brought to us over the years. Ol’ Bradlee is going to have to step up his game HARD because there is a hep new Jesus dood in town here to tell all the public-school schoolchildren about how girls are loudmouthed sluts if they give in to the boys that just can’t keep it in their pants.

Terrible Guy Fieri versus Pinhead hybrid Justin Lookadoo wandered into a public high school assembly in Texas to explain how boys are natural leaders on account of how they’re not like girls, or something like that. Hark! Do we hear echoes of our sweet Bradlee’s thoughts on teens and sex and ladyparts? We sure do!

However, where Bradlee Dean is faltering and maybe already entirely gone and is reduced to ranting weekly on WND, Lookadoo is a hot young thing with a hip website about what boys and girls should do to be dateable. SPOILER ALERT: Ladies should talk less! Shut up, girls! Let’s take a look at some of his other wit and wisdom for the girls:

Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.[…]

Girls don’t fight girls, ever. Revenge belongs to God. Dateable girls know that when they fight other girls they look stupid and catty, and guys don’t like it any more than God does. […]

Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!

No, we have no idea what “revenge belongs to God” means either. God will smite your enemies that end up getting to date hot hot Justin Lookadoo instead of you? We thought God was busy ensuring that various football players win things, but apparently he’s also taking out some time to settle junior high school disputes.

What should boys do? Glad you asked!!

Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys. […]

Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

Wild things run free, ladies. They just can’t be tamed!

In case you were wanting to get all interactive-like, you can even take a quiz about how dateable you are. SPOILER ALERT AND TRIGGER WARNING AND PRO TIP: Ladies, you are pretty much never dateable.

rudateable.com_quiz_results.php

Dudes, you are always dateable, but sometimes you just get a little too wild and untamed because of how you are dudes.

rudateable.com_quiz_results.php

Justin is feeling a little embattled right now on account of how everyone hated and mocked him and you should go to Facebook and vote for him, or something.

Oh, Justin. Much like sweet Bradlee, this world was never made for one as beautiful as you.

[Pajiba]

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  • PubOption

    He’s got to find something to do. There’s not much call for Johnny Rotten impersonators.

  • Women are different from men? Who knew.

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      I learn something new every day! For instance, did you know that rain is not, in fact, the tears of the angels?!

  • msanthropesmr

    You are woman, don’t you roar.Here let me open up that door,and the ketchup bottle too if i desiiiiire…

    • Buddha Stalin

      Make a sammich for me nowCause you’re just a silly cowBut I’m a hero because I can change your tire

  • Enfant Terrible

    I’ve had some epic struggles with opening ketchup bottles so I guess I’m not dateable.

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      You may not even be a man.

      • Nixon, etc.

        This comment made me smile more than all others! You’re absurd! Good job!

  • kushiro –

    I admit it. I wish I was the type of guy who could conquer lands while simultaneously standing up for the oppressed. Last time I tried that I aggravated my sciatica.

    • i_am_allwrite

      I think that’s what Brad Pitt’s character in “12 Monkeys” was trying to do when he let the animals out of the zoo.

  • Jay B.

    “They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.”Unless of course the oppressed are the people they just conquered, in which case, would it kill them to thank us? To the Heinz, boys!

  • msanthropesmr

    Also, dude looks like he sat on something *really* uncomfortable.

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      Or licked an electrical outlet.

    • topjob66t

      From comments at Dallas Observer: ” I think his hairstyle has a purpose. Those are hooks to help keep his head up his ass.”

  • Anthony Hafner

    Its just not often enough that someone’s batshit crazy leaks out and gets all over their face. Mr. Lookadoo does me a favor in letting me know to switch sides of the street long before he opens his mouth. Also, Lookadoo isn’t a name; it’s what my great grandma called a nosy person, I think.

    • msanthropesmr

      I think that was “Lookyloo”. I think perhaps my grandmother called a Lookadoo a “useless, misogynistic, proselytizing piece of shit” but she is funny that way, and an ex-communist.

      • Anthony Hafner

        It WAS lookyloo, in fact. All praise communist grannies.

      • Nixon, etc.

        I think you’re jealous of how cool he looks. He took the Bradlee “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Dean atty-tood, chopped the locks and “pumped up” the “volume.” With spikes.I bet he’s got a celtic armband. Even without, I bet he’s cooler looking than you. So youth-y.

  • laineypc

    How can I also get paid to try to work out problems from my dysfunctional upbringing by bringing everyone else into the same dysfunction?

  • AncienReggie

    So, how do i sign up for those direct-from-God tips? ‘Cause I been working on second, third hand advice.

    • msanthropesmr

      I think it involves a hammer, or perhaps, a tumble down the stairs. Maybe, even, small electrical shocks?

  • beautifulmutant

    Bradlee… Lookadoo… I think I’m having an IVS flare-up.

  • AnOuthouse

    I flunked the quiz.”You’re close to really losing it. Don’t let your hormones take over. To be a man you have to control how far you go. Right now you’re way off.”

  • Broken_Finger

    In all fairness, looking at that guy’s face and hair and hearing what he has to say is, in fact, making me feel very dangerous.

  • Penny Dreadful

    “You’re a wanted woman. Guys are dying to find out more about you. That’s what keeps ‘em coming back for more. Your phone’s probably ringing off the hook. You don’t tell people everything in the world about yourself. You know they can’t take it all in at once and so you only give them a little peek at a time. Keep being Dateable!”Yeah, I’m also a 46-year-old with two young kids and a life partner. How dateable am I now, chump?

    • Caepan

      You’re a wanted woman, or a wanton woman?Because both totally r00lz.

    • Nixon, etc.

      milf

  • Farb

    This guy is scary gruesome looking. He must be dateable because ugly on the inside and out. Girly girls must love such a manly-man-boy with his simple presto-it’s-1954-again philosophy of life. If he’s God’s right hand manly-dood, God must be severely into simple shit.

    • emw12

      I would cross the street to avoid this scary dude. He looks crazy.

    • mtn_philosoph

      This isn’t even 1950’s morality. It is strictly from the Never-Never-Land inside Lick-a-dood’s head.

  • natoslug

    Yeah, like I’m going to take dating advice from a Sonic the Hedgehog impersonator.

  • Caepan

    I took the quiz, and apparently I failed:

    U R DATELESS.

    The mystery is gone. You’ve probably told him everything about you so why would he want to see you again? But it’s not too late. Start talking less and listening more. Let him bring up things to talk about. Ask him questions about him. Stop talking about yourself so much. There is plenty of time for him to get to know you. Practice thinking about him and take your eyes off yourself so much.

    That would suck, I suppose… if I was a gurl. But since I’m a dangerous guy who takes risks and conquers land like I was playing Risk for pink slips, I answered the gurlz questions instead. Which makes me totes dateable! Line up, ladies! 😉

    • Nixon, etc.

      *swoon* you had me at land-conquerer…and I’M A GUY!

  • Caepan

    A question from the boys’ quiz:

    8. If she loved you she would.

    Would do what? Read her poems to me? Make me dinner? Tell me I don’t look fat in these jeans? Man, the Lord’s messenger of teenage date celibacy etiquette works in mysterious ways.

    • natoslug

      Be in the kitchen, making a sammich and keeping her mouth shut, obvs.. The lord works in mysterious, misogynistic ways.

    • whomakestherules

      If you loved her, you wouldn’t ask.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Do that thing with me that we saw on that video.

  • maco415

    I was always dateable when I was single but probably because I was a slutty slut.

    • Daniel P

      And are you still single? I’m asking for a friend, uh yeah. A friend. That’s it.

  • Rex Thorne

    Mindlessly conforming religious dipshits are “wild” now? The delusion is strong in this one.

    • MikeyArmstrong

      By wild he means they drink soda and use peppery language.

  • Clint McGuire

    This is a real guy? I could have sworn this was some new character Fred Armisen was playing on “Portlandia”.

  • $73376667

    O, HAPPY DAY

    Where does Ernst & Young fit into all this?

  • Pat_Pending

    “8. You are served something you are allergic to so you talk about your health for the next 10 minutes. ” Answer: False. You eat it anyway because anaphylactic shock is sexy.

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • Nixon, etc.

    I wish I looked like him. Now I has sadz.Also, too…bitches gotta shut the fuck up, for once. Also, too, also…girls…Practice thinking about me!

  • Cranky Crab

    Shakespeare was, like, the ultimate rapper.

  • AKLynne

    And hedgehogs are becoming authorities on dating, why?

  • Farb

    Okay, this clown must be charming to the max because who in their right mind would wait around to listen to someone this creepy looking?!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    As a guy, I would be freaking ecstatic if a woman asked me out; but that might be because I am not conqueror-y enough.

  • Tom_Has_Doubts

    If Billy Idol and Jar Jar Binks had a baby…

    • Michael Baker

      Or if Jon Cryer joined Sum 41.

  • Mickey Bitsko

    I’ve seen youtube videos of David Blaine wannabe street magicians with more decorum.

  • Blanche Beecham

    I am so glad I read this. Like a lot of young women, I was under the impression we gals would be lead to the Thunderdome where we could hair pull our way to prom dates. Knowing this could have made my Junior year of high school so much more fun.