Mister T “U.F.O. Mystery” (part 4 of 4)

Back from commercial, the boulders are clearly passing over their heads without any damage at all, but Mr. T orders the gang into a nearby cave in the cliff face anyway. Once inside, the boulders of course pile up over the entrance, trapping the team inside.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Bisby Urkels.

Bisby is resourceful, though. She pulls the T-2 remote out of her purse… and starts to use it like a walkie-talkie? T-2 answers, and asks her, “What is comin’ down?” Wow! T-2 is really accurate, right down to his inability to quip in a way that makes any sense at all! T-2 walks over to a convenient topographic map on the wall, and immediately is able to tell exactly where Bisby is. Just go with it. It’s easier that way.

Inside the cave, the team starts to fret about the limited amount of oxygen available in the small space. Jeff promises that he won’t move, and he won’t even breathe! Oh, yesss…. take a cold shower first, too…

Ahem. Ick. Sorry ‘bout that.

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Meanwhile, T-2 is hurrying to the scene, speeding along on the roller skates built into the bottom of his boots.

Inside, the team has made lots of progress on the cave entrance, but they come to a halt when they encounter a single, huge boulder blocking the entrance. They all push on the rock, but it won’t budge. Maybe it pulls open?

Luckily, T-2 arrives! Mr. T and T-2 work together and move the huge rock out of the way. Mr. T isn’t impressed, though. He immediately insults T-2, calling him a tin can. T-2 makes a fist, and pretty much dares T to say it again. Mr. T, perhaps realizing T-2 is the only thing on Earth that comes close to being as awesome as he is, suddenly decides that he likes T-2. Mr. T asks T-2 to help them solve the current mystery.

It’s almost 5 AM according to dialogue, so it’s a good turn of fortune that the group encounters a herd of apparently wild donkeys. Which are not out of the question in the Black Hills area of South Dakota, I have to admit. What’s next, though, is out of the question: Somehow, they manage to train the beasts for riding, and they do it in about half a second.

Just like that, T, Jeff, Woody, Robin, and Kim are bareback riding donkeys, and heading to the spot on the map they found earlier. What about Spike, you ask? Why, he’s riding on the shoulders of T-2, who’s now running instead of using his skates. Clamping his thighs around T-2’s head is probably the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for Spike.

Mr. T spots an armored truck driving along a nearby darkened highway. Jeff asks if the aliens might be after the truck. Woody begins to tease Jeff for being an ignorant fool (glass houses, Woody, glass houses), but before he can finish, the I.F.O. swoops down and picks up the truck! T and the gang follow on the donkeys, until they find the ravine where the I.F.O. took the truck.

In the ravine, the two orderlies from the hospital, now inexplicably dressed in equestrian gear, pump sleeping gas into the armored car. In the cab of the truck, an enormously fat guard is sitting in the driver’s seat. And he’s pretty darn unimpressed about the whole thing, I must say. Does he really get abducted that often?

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Another day, another encounter of the fourth kind.

The other security guard in the truck almost makes it out, but he passes out right after opening the doors. And, guess who’s sitting next to the I.F.O., bound by his hands and feet? Why, it’s Professor Andrews, the inventor! He watches forlornly as the two goons, who really do look like they’re dressed for a fox hunt, drag the guards out of the truck.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

“Could somebody please ink my pants?”

The goons now explain their plan to no one in particular, and it perhaps makes sense in some parallel dimension. The truck was carrying old, used money, which was slated to be burned by the government. So, the plan: Abduct the truck with the I.F.O. stolen from Professor Andrews. Zonk the guards. Replace the used money with counterfeit bills. Put the truck back on the road and allow the guards to wake up. Trust that they’ll be too embarrassed to admit they were abducted by aliens, and that no one will notice the obviously fake bills (remember the purple ink?). Spend the stolen money on fine stallions and trendy, tight fitting riding breeches. Simple, elegant, and foolproof, am I right?

The perfect crime is spoiled, however, when T and the gang ride in on their donkeys. The goons panic. They load the Professor and their money (one whole bag, by the way—the untold riches!) into the I.F.O., and prepare to take off. T and T-2 force the door open, and then T, T-2, and Woody jump into the flying saucer. The I.F.O. takes off, but T and T-2 rush into the control room and start kicking some ass!

The only problem with beating up the goons is that the skinny goon is flying the I.F.O. So the ship starts to go out of control. Mr. T admits that he doesn’t know how to fly this thing, and T-2 doesn’t know how to fly anything at all. Something neither T nor T-2 can do? Inconceivable!

Woody hops in the seat, saying, “That… leaves me.” Is that how it works? Really? I guess I should be able to speak Russian then, since nobody else in the house knows the language. Прохладный!

Woody manages to keep the I.F.O. on the straight and level, but suddenly his myopia—remember that? —manifests itself again. He somehow manages not to see Mount freakin’ Rushmore right in front of them! Mr. T commands, “Up, Woody!” Which sounds really dirty if you think about it. The I.F.O. zooms up, barely managing to not deface Lincoln’s face.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

”Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth… Holy crap!!

The I.F.O. lands safely on top of the monument, and the goons burst out of the door, making a run for it. T tells them to give it up, but they keep running. They decide that the best way off the mountain is to climb down the faces. Certain death by long distance fall, or being smashed by Mr. T? That’s a difficult decision, no question about it. Inside the I.F.O., Woody unties the Professor, but we’re spared the mushy reunion. There’s goon-pounding to get to!

T and T-2 are on top of the monument, and Jeff, Kim, and Robin arrive at the bottom in the armored truck. T-2 holds a rope so Mr. T can rappel down the monument. Again with the rappelling! Woody wants to come along, but Mr. T puts him in his place for being a stupid nearsighted sissy.

T swings toward one of the goons, but he misses. The goon slips, and drops his bag of used money. Just as the money rains down, Spike and the two security guards ride up on donkeys. Spike tries to grab as much of the cash as he can, but the fat guard gives him the stink eye, so he drops the cash.

Meanwhile, the goon who dropped the money is clinging for life to Roosevelt’s mustache. Mr. T swings by and grabs the man before he falls, and then T-2 pulls T and the goon back to the top of the mountain. The other goon is still on the loose, though.

The other goon drops off Jefferson’s face, and makes a break for it along a path located right under the faces. Jeff suddenly has a lasso, which he throws up around Jefferson’s nose. In yet another physical impossibility, Jeff uses the rope to swing up the face of the mountain about fifty feet. Then, he grabs the goon between his legs [!] and pulls him back down to the base.

Kim and Robin manage to subdue the goon, and Robin anti-quips, “I hope you enjoy making license plates!” Jeez, even “glad you dropped in” would have been better than that. Soon, the whole gang is reunited at the bottom of the monument.

So everything with the mystery is pretty much wrapped up. The crooks have been captured, and all the money has been returned. Or has it? Spike tries to keep some of the old money in his back pocket, but Mr. T scowls him into returning it to the guards. You have to assume it’s in his pocket, by the way, because the animators don’t actually bother to draw a pocket.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Psst! Hey, Spike! You have an old, wrinkly twenty sticking out of your ass!

So, what else? Oh, yeah: Woody still can’t see. Back in Rapid City, the team sits in the hallway, waiting for Woody. He comes out, cured by the miracle of contact lenses! So, the moral of the story is to wear your glasses if you need ‘em. Because if you don’t, you’ll ride over a cliff on your motorcycle, and your genius, perverted inventor friend will be kidnapped in his own flying saucer by goons with the dumbest plan on earth who make purple money and wear fey riding outfits while gassing fat unresponsive guards who never talk but everything will work out okay because your friends can bend the rules of space and time and there’s a sentient Mr. T robot with skates in his feet.

…Unless the animators don’t want to draw the glasses, in which case contacts are okay, too. Got it.

Suddenly, everyone remembers one last detail. Bisby is still stuck on top of the mesa! D’oh! The last shot of the animated portion of the program shows the poor woman clinging to Dozer, yelling for help. Why does she hang around with these guys, again?

In the live action bookend, Mr. T explains that the bad guys are in jail, and Prof. Andrews is back working on his inventions. Of course, he should be filthy stinking rich, given the incredible inventions he has lying around in his barn. Whatever. I’m ready for this to be over. So, Mr. T, would you please?

Mr. T: As for Woody, he learned a valuable lesson. You put things off, you only lookin’ for trouble. Woody was lucky this time. But don’t you press your luck. Things start lookin’ fuzzy and blurred, you get your eyes checked right away. Okay?
Kids: Okay!
Mr. T: [smiling in a pleased-to-have-used-the-potty sort of way] Okay!
Caption contributed by Mark M.

Okay!

Mark M. Meysenburg

Mark teaches at Doane College, a liberal arts college in Crete, Nebraska. Most of his teaching involves computer science, but Mark also occasionally teaches mathematics and the history of science; he has also been known to offer three week courses on the worst movies ever made.

Mark’s bad movie obsession was kindled in the early 1980s by the Medved brothers, then fanned to full flame by late-night showings of Plan 9 from Outer Space. Who could have predicted the long term effects of satin-pajama-clad, mincing alien menace?

Mark’s other interests include homebrew beer and wine, and practicing and teaching martial arts.

Multi-Part Article: Mister T "U.F.O. Mystery"
TV Show: Mister T

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