Mister T “U.F.O. Mystery” (part 3 of 4)

Back in Rapid City, the gang is gathered in Woody’s cavernous hospital room. A short, exceptionally pale doctor pronounces Woody to be fine. Mr. T, however, isn’t satisfied. He asks the doctor to check out Woody’s eyesight. The doc heads off to arrange the tests, and the team leaves.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Woody must have some primo insurance to score a room like this.

Out in the hallway, the gang passes by two burly orderlies who are wheeling a gurney toward Woody’s room. Spike takes the opportunity to BAMF again. He’s walking along, right behind Kim, and then—poof!—he’s gone. Half a second later—poof!—he’s back. The heck? Did he just pop down to the cafeteria for a quick bite? Zap to the basement to see where they keep all the amputated body parts? Or maybe the animators were trying to convince the audience at home that their eyes are going bad, too.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Lah, lah, walking, looking at Kim’s butt, lah, lah…”

Caption contributed by Mark M.

BAMF!

After everyone has zapped back to this reality, the team enters the elevator. Kim finally notices something strange. No, not that the little red-headed twerp behind her keeps teleporting in and out of the scene, silly! She remembers that the “orderlies” they passed in the hallway were wearing mountain climbing boots. Oh, no! Slightly unusual footwear means eeeee-vil! And, obviously, they must be heading for Woody’s room, right? But of course!

Wait, weren’t there two goons watching Woody’s rescue from the top of a mountain? Kim’s right! Woody is in danger!

Arriving at the ground floor in the elevator, Mr. T decides they need to go back to save Woody from the clearly dastardly, boot-wearing orderlies. T sends Jeff, Robin, and Kim up one staircase, while he takes the other. T orders Spike to stay put, but if I were him, I’d just tell Spike to teleport back upstairs.

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Back in the upstairs hallway, it turns out that the boot-wearing-non-medical-professionals were indeed after Woody. They have him on the gurney, and are wheeling him down the hall. Woody thinks they’re taking him to his eye test. But Mr. T blocks their way, saying “Going someplace?” Yay! Suddenly, Spike is right behind T—BAMF?—and he of course tries his best to mimic what Mr. T just said.

The not-orderlies sort of leisurely amble in the other direction, still pushing Woody on the gurney. The fat one says, “Let’s get outta here!” But they aren’t moving like they’re in a hurry. Jeff, Robin, and Kim appear at the end of the hallway, blocking their slow escape. Jeff, who for some reason lilts his voice like he’s vamping in the Castro, says, “Might as well surrender peacefully, fellas!”

It’s time for some more action, which in this series also means it’s time for some more puns. Painfully unfunny puns, in fact. So brace yourselves. The fat dis-orderly pushes a nearby food cart down the hall, saying, “Have a meal on us, kids!” Since this is the Mr. T animated series, the kids can’t merely step out of the way of the oncoming hospital food. Instead, Robin and Kim cartwheel out of the way, and Jeff does a somersault that lands him right on top of the still-moving cart. Jeff grabs a pie out of the cart and throws it at the bad guys: “Dinner’s on me, dessert’s on you!” Moan.

Brief tangent: Has anyone out there ever been served a whole cream pie while in the hospital? At best, I’ve always gotten green Jell-O.

The un-orderlies and Woody duck, so the pie flies right over their heads. Slapstick ahoy! The pie splats right into… Mr. T’s face!

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Why is Spike smiling?

T wipes the pie from his face, and Jeff nervously apologizes. The evil boot-wearing kidnappers are still walking at an easygoing pace, pushing the gurney. They duck through a set of double doors to evade T and the gang.

Once through the doors, the bad guys push a big, expensive piece of equipment (presumably the machine that goes ping) in front of the doors. Mr. T runs up to the doors, but despite his alligator-throwing strength, he’s unable to push through. He’s pushing on the doors. Pushing.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Please notice that the doors the bad guys just went through clearly open outwards.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Moron.

Jeff, Robin, and Kim dart out of the hallway in an attempt to find another way into the room. In a universe where super-powered slabs of meat with mohawks can’t push through a pull door, what’s a gymnastics team to do? If your answer is “warp physical space”, move to the front of the class!

The orderlies push Woody—why don’t you just get off the gurney, Woody?—out into another hallway, still determined to escape. Jeff, Robin, and Kim are suddenly on the roof of the hospital [!]. They rush toward the edge and jump right off. Why do I always get the recaps where people jump off tall buildings? Anyway, they jump…

…and instead of splattering on the street in front of the hospital, or even landing on the balcony, they somehow bend reality…

…and somehow they land inside the hospital. Right in front of the orderlies and Woody. I didn’t leave out any intermediate steps, folks. They jump off a building and land in an interior hallway. And they switch their relative positions in the process, too. The power of gymnastics is truly amazing, just as Kurt Thomas taught us back in 1985.

Jeff is still in quip mode: “We’ve got to stop meeting like this!” You know, like in the midst of a spatial impossibility.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Before jumping off the hospital.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

After jumping off the hospital.

Mr. T finally manages to push through the pull doors, sending the Machine That Goes Ping rolling toward the orderlies and our space-shifting heroes. Somehow, the machine totally misses the bad guys and Woody’s gurney, and instead heads straight for Jeff, Robin, and Kim. All the kids do somersaults over the rolling machine. Of course they do.

After the Machine That Goes Ping rolls by, the bad guys—who are finally running, by the way—push through the kids, followed closely by Mr. T. The bad guys make it to the elevator, leaving T to stare at the closing doors. Mr. T says, “There’s more than one way to get down,” apropos of nothing at all.

Kim finds a small scrap of paper the bad guys dropped, pocketing the clue for later. And just that fast—elevators in Rapid City move—the dis-orderlies are loading Woody into an ambulance down on the street. Finally attaching meaning to his last quip, T is standing in an open window, watching the abduction from above. He delivers one more semi-sensical gibe (“Get ready for a little T for two, chumps!”) and then he jumps.

T lands smack dab on top of the ambulance, just as it pulls away. I have to admit this next bit of dialogue made me chuckle. Inside the cab of the ambulance, the goons have just heard T thump onto the roof of the vehicle.

Skinny Goon: What was that?
Fat Goon: It beats me!
Mr. T: [suddenly staring in through the windshield] You can say that again, sucka!
Caption contributed by Mark M.

Um, why is the windshield glass behind Mr. T?

The fat goon swerves the ambulance back and forth in an effort to shake Mr. T off. But all this really accomplishes is to cause the back doors to open, and Woody—get off the fracking gurney, already!—to roll out onto the street.

Mr. T uses a passing tree limb like an uneven bar (which reminds me of something), and swings off the top of the ambulance. Woody safely rolls through an intersection, thanks to a fortuitously-timed traffic light. Unfortunately, he rolls to a stop—Get. Off. Now.—on a hill, and then promptly starts rolling back toward the same intersection. Mr. T yells at the traffic light to change, which it of course does. So, Woody is once again able to roll right through the intersection without getting smooshed. T finally stops the gurney, and he and Woody exchange more quips about the day having its “ups and downs.” Ugh.

Back at the hospital, the zombie-toned doctor again pronounces Woody to be fine. Once Zombidoc has left the room, Robin notices big purple spots on Woody’s hospital gown, which are supposedly fingerprints. File away in your memory banks that the spots are indeed purple ink.

Caption contributed by Mark M.

The location of fingerprints provided concrete evidence of Woody’s molestation.

Kim remembers the scrap of paper she picked up earlier. As she opens it, the “scrap” turns out to be about the size of a state road map. On the map is a red line, a mesa, some poorly-drawn trees, and an X labeled with the words, “ENCOUNTER 5 A.M.” Woody supposes that the map is related to the I.F.O. that chased him. Putting together the clues, the team decides to go out and find where the map leads.

Next, everyone is on the bus, out on the road, looking for the mesa on the map. Spike still has T-2’s remote, which he pulls out of his pocket. He pokes some buttons on the remote, causing T-2 (who’s still back in the barn) to get up and walk into a post. Mechanized slapstick is even funnier than real slapstick!

T-2 reacts with, “I pity the fool that messes with my controls,” which is less funny than T-2’s first “pity the fool” line, even if only because the first one sounded dirtier. Bisby confiscates the remote and chastises Spike. But before any more robotic antics can ensue, the real Mr. T notices that the I.F.O. is flying right over their bus.

Mr. T does some fancy driving, and temporarily loses the I.F.O. Frankly, at this point in the episode, I’m surprised that the tour bus doesn’t do a blackflip and a handstand. Somehow, they end up off the road, and the bus gets stuck in loose dirt. T orders everyone out of the bus, but before they can escape, the I.F.O. lands on the bus, then somehow picks the whole bus up and flies off!

Caption contributed by Mark M.

Apparently the cloaking device only works on the fins.

As has already been noted, Mr. T hates flying, “especially U.F.O. style.” Spike, carrying on with the uncomfortably creepy hero worship, agrees. T promises that “pretty soon, I’m gonna K.O. a U.F.O!”

The I.F.O. gently places the bus on top of the mesa. Now, if I were the one flying the U.F.O., I would have dropped ‘em from altitude into a rocky ravine, and voila! Problem solved. It’s not to be, though. T has Jeff and Woody break out the mountain climbing gear (mountain climbing gear? On the tour bus of a gymnastics team?) and says that they’re “gonna get down, then get down to bid’ness!” The team leaves Miss Bisby and Dozer to watch the bus, while they rappel down the mesa.

Ms. Bisby paces a bit, and gets a pebble in her shoe. T, halfway down, asks her what the matter is, and then tells her, “Well, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Take the pebble out of your shoe!” So Ms. Bisby apparently couldn’t think of doing that herself. Morons. They’re all morons.

Bisby complies, and tosses the pebble over the cliff. But, oh no! Just as the team reaches a ledge on the cliff, the pebble starts an avalanche of boulders!

Mark M. Meysenburg

Mark teaches at Doane College, a liberal arts college in Crete, Nebraska. Most of his teaching involves computer science, but Mark also occasionally teaches mathematics and the history of science; he has also been known to offer three week courses on the worst movies ever made.

Mark’s bad movie obsession was kindled in the early 1980s by the Medved brothers, then fanned to full flame by late-night showings of Plan 9 from Outer Space. Who could have predicted the long term effects of satin-pajama-clad, mincing alien menace?

Mark’s other interests include homebrew beer and wine, and practicing and teaching martial arts.

Multi-Part Article: Mister T "U.F.O. Mystery"

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