Mister T “Mystery of the Golden Medallion” (part 4 of 6)
Cut to a little later. In a gym somewhere, Robin is in her gymnast’s outfit, bouncing a basketball [?]. She comes up to Woody, and he notes that the medallions were all hollow. Robin gets all bitchy about this, just because she can. “We already know that!” Once again, I guess this is supposed to be illustrating Mr. T’s lesson about people not accepting the new kid, but every line out of Robin’s mouth just makes her look more and more like a grade-A bitch.
Woody says he’s just trying to figure out where the clues lead, and Robin bitches that it’s “obvious”. Thankfully, Kim calls her out on this remark, like, if it’s so obvious, you tell us. And Robin totally stutters for a long time in response. Finally, the hamster in her skull jumps inside his wheel and is off and running, and she says, “Hollow medallions could mean only one thing!” Really? They could mean only one thing? I find that a little hard to believe, but let’s hear it.
Robin cries, “Something was in them!” Jeff pipes up to say this was “just what I was thinkin’!” Well, we’ve got a pair of super-geniuses here, don’t we? Jeff deduces that the goons were after that certain something that was hidden inside the medallions.
Then Woody puts it all together, saying that the list of addresses is where the goons will be looking for other medallions, so they can probably find Spike at one of those addresses. Wow! So, let me get this straight. You found a list of addresses, so you think it might be a good idea to actually go visit those addresses? Woody, you’re brilliant! I am dazzled!
Jeff horns in long enough to take credit for this idea, too. Keep it up, cracker-ass cracker. Eventually, he, Robin and Kim all head to the exit, being their usual assholish selves and telling Woody to stay behind. Before they can leave, however, Mr. T blocks their path. “That’s a waste of manpower!” And Mr. T don’t like corporate inefficiency, fool!
Mr. T says they’ll split into two teams. “Woody, they don’t want you, you come with me!” Well, way to boost his ego. T says they’ll meet back up at Fisherman’s Wharf at nine. And I swear the way he says “wharf”, it sounds like he’s talking about the Klingon. T finishes up by yelling, “Be there!” On NBC! Of course, they shouldn’t have any idea where to go once they split up, since they never actually discussed which team would be going where.
Regardless, cut to the Tour Bus of Mystery, and onboard are T and Woody. Woody wonders aloud what the other kids have against him. I mean, other than beating all of them in the competition, or being a show-off know-it-all. Mr. T has some words of wisdom, as T is wont to have. “Told me you wanted to be a lawyer some day! So start thinkin’ like one!”
Woody replies, “Huh?” Yep. So far, thinking like a lawyer. Mr. T explains that the team is a good team, but he’s the new kid in the group and “they’ve been together long time now! [sic]” I’m not sure why you’d have to “think like a lawyer” to grasp this concept.
Woody gets it. “It’s like a private party, and I’m the gatecrasher!” It’s like a party in their mouths, and everyone’s not invited! The bus continues on for a long time before Mr. T says, “Give ’em time!” No further word is spoken between the two as the bus cruises along.
Meanwhile, the other three kids come to the second address on the list, which turns out to be a giant castle [!]. Um, can somebody look up for me exactly how many giant castles there are in the San Francisco area? I’m just curious. Robin says, “What the hairy heck is it?” What do you think it is? It’s a castle, you dink. And what would you know about hairy hecks in the first place, anyway?
Kim already knows that it’s the “clubhouse of the Dragon Slayer Society”. Oh, boy. RPG geeks are building their own castles now? It turns out Kim read all about this Society in some magazine that came out in 1976, and she remembers the exact issue number and month. Robin cries, “You and your photographic memories! [sic]” Yep. Asians = human computers. That’s definitely the lesson I’m walking away with here.
So, what this means is that Kim is now our all-purpose expositionist for the afternoon. She explains, “These Dragon Slayers are big fans of the Middle Ages!” Uh, yeah, well, I guess they’d have to be. Not too many people were slaying dragons in Victorian England or during World War II. She offers, “They’re into… jousting, and things like that, you know!” Sure, I know. Because if you’re into “the Middle Ages”, it’s a given that not only do you love jousting—You love things that are just like jousting!
Robin indicates the open front door to the castle, and gets in a really awkward line with, “They must be heavily into trust [?], too!” Yeck. When I hear lines that should have been deleted by the second draft, I want to puke. As the three enter the castle, they conjecture that the goons broke in and left the place unlocked. Damn those Dragon Slayers! They should have brought up the drawbridge. That would have been, like, the only time it ever came in handy.
Anyway, the gymnasts stroll through the castle and part a red curtain, finding themselves on a balcony overlooking a massive dinner table. We pan over from the table, and find a goon on his hands and knees, using a hammer to smash a medallion. Now, isn’t there somewhere else they could go to do this? Like a hideout, or anything? A tree house, maybe? Why do I keep seeing goons on their hands and knees smashing things right there at the scene of the crime?
Next, the same Lex Luthor Goon from earlier rips another medallion off the neck of a suit of armor and the other goon smashes it. Robin starts to jump over the balcony, but Kim stops her. “Remember what Mr. T said about—” About what? Oh, right, she was probably supposed to be cut off in mid-sentence, but wasn’t. And I really like how Kim’s line starts about two seconds before it’s clear what Robin is even about to do.
Robin replies, “Right! So you call the police, while I keep ’em busy!” Okay, so I guess there are police in Mr. T’s Cartoon Universe, after all. But… they’re just calling them now? Why didn’t they do that back at the hotel right after Spike was kidnapped? Why did they take it upon themselves to hunt down the goons and follow them to this castle and then call the cops? I mean, what lesson are they trying to teach us here? That vigilantism is awesome? (It totally is, by the way, but you didn’t hear that from me.)
Anyway, Robin leaps from the balcony, which is only one story above the table, but yet she’s still able to do a head-over-heels somersault as she falls and lands on the table, and she lands on both feet, too. The goons lunge at her, but she backflips her way out of their reach and both of their faces go smack right on the table.
Above, Jeff remarks, “She can’t keep that up forever! I could, but she can’t!” Kim says, “Then let’s go!” And the two leap from the balcony and land on the table. In response, Lex Luthor Goon grabs a sword off the wall and heads right for them. Jeff yells, “This I wasn’t expecting!” Which is why you should leave this sort of stuff to, oh I don’t know, professional law enforcement? Anyway, this is the place where a commercial break was inserted when this episode originally aired.
When we return, Lex Luthor Goon continues his forward assault, an assault that takes so long, in fact, that Kim and Jeff have time to exchange four [!] lines of dialogue, and Jeff has time to look like an arrogant jerk again, and Kim has time to be a sarcastic know-it-all again, all of this before the goon even gets close to them. Finally, Jeff picks a golden pitcher up off the table. Kim asks if Jeff’s going to “drown him” [?], but Jeff tosses it at Luthor. Somehow, even though this object was light enough to be gently tossed to the ground, it becomes as heavy as a steel weight once it hits the floor, and the goon trips over it and goes flying.
Kim and Jeff backflip out of the way as the goon lands on the table. Now if they had enough to time to formulate a plan and toss that pitcher, then why didn’t they just backflip out of the way in the first place? Or, better yet, how about just running away? Anyway, the goon and his sword land on the table, causing the table to split in half [!!] as soon as he lands. My, that’s quite sharp for something that was obviously just a decorative sword.
Jeff checks on Robin, and Kim backflips into the shot for no discernable reason. Robin notes that the goons are getting away. They are indeed getting away, and in the first of many abominable coloring mistakes, the goon who had red hair in the previous shot now has black hair. Nevertheless, the three kids give chase. After running through the castle from Howling V for a while, the goons eventually emerge out onto the parapet. One goon cries, “Noooow w-w-where to?” Dude, if you’re this scared of three skinny teenagers, you have no business being a goon in the first place.
Before they can make a move, the gymnasts appear. “Don’t leave yet!” Robin calls out. “You’ll miss my best trick!” She then does cartwheels and somersaults all the way across the parapet until she—oh my god—lands on the goon’s shoulders and wraps her legs around his head [!!] and covers his eyes. Oh my. I have to admit, that probably is her “best trick”, after all. I’m not sure what could top this. Unless she was turned the other way.
Meanwhile, the other two kids take on Lex Luthor Goon. They do this by just like, hurtling themselves at him. Meanwhile, the other goon is still struggling with the new hat he’s acquired. Robin says, “Unh-unh! No peeking ’til you tell me where Spike is!” If it were me, I’d probably hold off on telling her Spike’s location for about a few minutes, at least.
So in the foreground, we see Kim and Jeff holding down Lex Luthor. And they’re only holding him down by his forearms, which is interesting. Strange that he can’t break free from that. Meanwhile, in yet another coloring error, Lex Luthor’s turtleneck collar is changing colors from shot to shot, going from green to the same color as his skin and back. That’s pretty bad, but the real sloppiness is just moments away.
In the background, we see the other goon with Robin wrapped around his face (man, does that sound dirty) walking backwards to the parapet wall. He hits the wall, and Robin goes flying off, hopefully falling to her grisly death. Here’s where the production values reach a definite low point, as the goon has totally changed from a redhead in a green jacket, to a black man [!] in a yellow shirt [!!]. Crap animation at its absolute worst, everyone. I mourn for all the children that had to grow up watching this junk. Oh, wait, I was one of them. Well, I mourn for me. No wonder I run a website like this now.
Anyway, predictably, Robin hasn’t fallen all the way to the ground. Instead, she’s hanging from a ledge a short distance down, and this is revealed in a shot that was obviously drawn to make her breasts as prominent as possible. Between this and the face-straddling, I’m sensing someone in the animation department was just a wee bit lonely.
Quick-Thinking Jeff tells Kim that he’ll “anchor” her, so Kim cries, “Alley-oop!” as she does a handstand on the parapet wall. Amazingly, when Kim stands on her hands, the knee-length skirt she’s wearing doesn’t immediately drop down over her face. What is it made out of, Velcro? Jeff holds Kim’s ankles as she makes her way down the side of the tower. Unfortunately, this means the goons have time to make their getaway. Of course, before they left they could have just given Jeff a good hard shove and done away with all three of them, but sadly, nobody ever thinks of that sort of thing.
Regardless, Kim is slowly making her way down the side of the tower. She’s not being lowered down by a rope or anything, so I’m not sure how she’s doing that. While this is going on, there’s obligatory shots of Jeff struggling to hold Kim up. Kim reaches out and says to Robin, “Give… me… your… hand!”
Robin and Kim finally link hands. Despite the fact that Jeff is about to have a coronary from holding them up, both girls take a moment to breathe a sigh of relief, and Robin yells, “Made it!” Um, not yet? Jeff makes a sarcastic comment about this as he hauls them back up.
“Talk about close!” Kim says. Jeff reminds them they still have “crooks” to find, and Robin wonders if Mr. T had better luck. Jeff says, “Saddled with that new kid? I doubt it!” Thank you, Mr. Über-Asshole, for once again living down to our expectations of you.