RAW FEED: Mental health month vlog; Depression and anxiety

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  • $36060516

    Holy cow, Sofie. Your analogy of the antidepressant feeling like a pillow in your head is exactly how I described my own experience on the antidepressant Effexor for a couple years. After stopping that for several years, I took my doctor’s advice and got on another antidepressant (Wellbutrin), and it doesn’t have the pillow feeling, though it has other side effects, the worst being occasional panic attacks feeling like my throat is closing and I almost can’t breathe. Luckily that doesn’t happen often. I do want to get off of it as soon as I can.

    Glad you are feeling better about yourself and the progress you have made, even if you are still frustrated about lack of progress in employment and social life. I wouldn’t have been so presumptuous to say so unless you had specifically said you like hearing it from people watching your videos, but yes you are beautiful, among many other positive qualities. It’s good you stopped hating and now enjoy that part of yourself.

    • Sofie Liv

      I love hearing it, I go all. “GYAAH!” stupid anime style every-time!

      I honestly don’t think there is any shame in telling people they are good looking or give them nice compliments, that’s cool.
      Just the other day, a complete stranger complimented my hair, and then went on his own buisness.. That was all, it made me feel great!

      Yeah, I have my ups and downs for sure, but so do every-one.. I got no idea what the year will bring, oh well.. oh well oh well.. that’s kind of, all I can say.

      I am just so glad I don’t need to those stupid anti depressant any-more, they are not that great, and they are certainly not a cure.
      I am never ever going to recommend anti depressant to any-one else in the future, it’s just not worth it in my opinion.
      Some-times I had days on end where my head just wasn’t right on those pills, that royaly sucked, so no.. would never ever recommend them.

      Thank you, i’m doing my best going forward 🙂

  • danbreunig

    Hwhoa, where, where to begin…. I hope you’re fluent in English because I have a lot to say.

    I’ll start on a light note: With contacts, you’re Sofie. With glasses, you’re my sister-in-law. That’s simultaneously funny, cute, and creepy.

    Sofie, I may have mentioned this before but this bears really pointing out now–and please excuse me if I sound so selfish talking so much about myself in this message, though I want to follow your example by relating mine.

    I would not be here today, writing this message, communicating and sharing with you or any other Boothers or other online artists, or expressing myself to anyone in my daily face-to-face life, including those closest to me, if you hadn’t posted your first depression story two years ago. And I wanted to say this to you since then, even since your Top Ten Wackiest Female Characters review near the very beginning: I give you a LOT of credit for staying so strong and funny through so difficult a time. Even this long after the fact, I wish both you and your friend Peace.

    And please, DON’T delete that first vlog like you suggested. I’m serious. Yes, I know it’s still your posting and at your discretion, but it’s not only because I wouldn’t be here because of it (in fact it still stings me hearing you say “what Red Suitcase?” as if it never mattered–it definitely mattered to this fan because he would never be here today without watching both the RSA series and the first depression vlog, so of course I’m saddened to hear you say that), but I believe it matters particularly to you. It shows how far you yourself have come. I’m happy to see your progression over the course of two years and three vlogs that I really see your relative happiness building up since. It’s proof that this face we collectively know as Sofie Liv isn’t just some clown on the internet but is a real and beautiful human being. Be proud of your history and progress, and even setting an example because you did so. I’m not happy to see you unhappy, but I am very, very grateful that you shared so much, and still are sharing.

    Something I’ve learned on my own before you said it: when you have a mental illness, chances are that you’ll have it for life. Just like when you break your arm, the arm heals but there will be a lifelong seam and scar tissue that may gradually heal but never disappear completely. No matter how far removed you are from a sad experience, you’ll never not stop feeling it even with enough happy experiences to sidetrack it. And with any mental illness, you can’t get rid of it, only control it at most. Or at least stay aware that you have this thing and deal with it as best you may with whatever physical, mental, social, or spiritual help you have.

    The thing with depression is that it really is tied into and is often the basis of so many other mental illnesses. In my own particular case I had the biggest mental plus spiritual crisis of my life in 2006/7. Through help with therapy and the clergy I discovered that I have a fluctuating level of OCD, which often means that if I think of something negative, it consumes me and won’t leave me even in the midst of otherwise happy moments, sometimes even blinding me from happy moments. Unfortunately you had a taste of that yourself from my reaction in the forum to your Laputa review. I’m still ashamed of it when I think about it, although if it helps I did finally watch My Neighbor Totoro to make up for it.

    And as I said above, these illnesses won’t stop altogether; you can just control them or at least learn to coexist with them. I’m much more balanced now than I was before my breakdown, but that more recent reaction shows that, yes, it’s something I still struggle with and it occasionally creeps up on me now and then. I’ve even went the psychotherapy and medication route years ago which helped a lot, and then went off them about five years ago when I achieved the balance that I was missing before then. But as I said, it’s still there simmering below the surface and I have to keep watching that pot from boiling over.

    I really hope I’m not creeping by saying this, but If I’m going to be honest…my biggest collective feeling from watching your new vlog was “I’m looking into a mirror”. All those sensations you describe: wanting so much out of life but afraid to act on it, making the biggest deal out of the smallest unfortunate shit, wanting to socialize but eventually hiding away somewhere, wanting to relate but feeling nothing’s significant enough to relate, all those recurring negative anxious thoughts and feelings…that’s me to a T. I find it both so comforting and disturbing to see that parallel.

    For example, there were times when I would seriously wish I had no imagination, talents, skills at all just to be “normal”, than have all those now and then have no way to use them or express them. Constantly I’m seeing life as one gigantic velvet rope where I’m on the outside, and it’s not that only a chosen few are qualified to live life, but everyone except a select few are qualified. The big difference to this parallel is that I’m 15-16 years older than you but nowhere near as wise or experienced in life, plus as much as I’ve always wanted to get involved myself in the performance arts, I feel like I’m committing a felony just to ask someone “what’s it like to do this?” or “what if I want to try it someday?” Believe me, I so want to experience being in a play or playing in band or delivering a comedy or even wedding speech even just once, but there’s always that sensation of “only those who deserve to, get to” (i.e. you just better stay out). That’s where the depression and anxiety feel like watching the other kids play ball while you’re stuck in a sandbox: it’s fun to play there for a while, until you feel that’s the only place where you’re allowed to play. I get that feeling even as I try to write this–if I’m not nerdy/political/religious/artsy/young/fun enough then I’ve no right to discuss anything in a forum or elsewhere. Realistically these feelings shouldn’t be so limiting–but it’s mental illness for ya.

    One more thing–it’s hard enough to have mental and social issues, but it’s much more difficult to bring it up to anyone when you already know ahead of time that you won’t get the support you need when you actually do bring it up. Or else you get that universal “you want to do something, just do it!” The truth is you CAN’T just do what you want even though it comes so naturally to others, and it’s frustrating as shit when others, even those closest to you, assume what’s easy for them is something you can jump into yourself, whether attending a social function or going up to a stranger to ask for directions. It’s because of that conflict that you can’t help but compare yourself and then feel inferior because of those faulty expectations.

    Yeeehhh. I wasn’t trying to turn this all into me. A while back you offered me the chance to share my own experience(s), so there you go. Honestly, I don’t mind that I’m writing this in a forum if only to reflect your own positive influence in getting me to share myself. As for yourself, I believe you made a lot of headway in your own journey, and I’m glad you’re staying true to yourself, and are able to create and give because you stay true to yourself.

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself Sofie, both funny and serious. I really appreciate you sharing from your own experience, not just quoting a textbook or medical stats but relaying what it’s about because you actually lived it. I take your words to heart because of that. You’re absolutely right about meeting some great people through the Internet, because I’m talking to one now.

    From the heart, Mange Tak, Sensei Liv.

    • Sofie Liv

      Hehe, then I am your inlaw around 80 percent of the time i’m afraid, i’m near sighted XD

      Gosh I honestly, honestly deeply get touched reading some-thing like that.
      a positive way, I just.. I can’t wrap my head around that what I have
      done here, made these silly enternet videos for two and a half years,
      has actually meant some-thing to other people than, just me.

      It’s.. pretty unreal to me, but also, rather amazing. Absolutely amazing in fact, and I am just, humbled.

      Well, these years has been.. a journey to say the least. I sure learned a lot and evolved a lot as a person.
      this years health month didn’t hit me at the best of times as I have
      been rather overwhelemed lately, being declined yet again from
      some-thing that I wanted and so on, so I have been in a kind of
      dead-zone lately, but I am getting out of it. And I have been invited to
      be a part of a touring street performance this summer, so that’s sure
      to bring me further out of it.

      No, things wont ever just magicaly dissapear, and some of these things.. it’s just who I am as a person.
      will always be just a little socially awkward at big gatherings, I will
      never ever be good at big parties with a lot of people in them, I will
      never fell well at places filled with noise, i will always react a
      little stronger to loud voices than most people.. Oh I am terriefied of
      conflicts and terriefied of people telling me I am not good enough
      And I will always be a nervous mouse when it comes to develop relationships with any-body, in any capacity.
      And it will hurt me, hurt me a lot, when some-one I chose to give my friend-ship to turned me down.. which also happens to me.
      But.. that’s okay, that’s just, part of me and who I am! That’s the person I am, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

      do think, that.. that comparing yourself to others constantly and
      thinking.. either you have to proof yourself because every-body else are
      so great or privilieged.. or stay away for the same reasons.
      some-thing we all do, we are just not aware of it. We like to put up
      these grant facades of how great and secure we are, because we think
      that’s how we need to appear, without realising that’s the facade other
      people will see too, and compare themselves to as well.
      So we’ll all
      go home to each our own feeling like every-body else are doing so much
      better in life, even though their actually not.
      Hell, ones those feelings were bad enough for me, that I resorted to down-right lying on a average basis, so people wouldn’t think me as pathetic.

      Lying.. real lying.. and a lot.. and it was awful, it made me feel even more awful because I couldn’t life up to my own lies either.

      I am so greateful to now be in a position where, I don’t have to lie at all, because I do have an impressive library of exsperiences!

      Hehe, and I think.. actually, I believe this is very true.

      If your main concern when doing.. any-thing really.. creative works, social gathering what-ever. If your main concern is how it will hold up in comparison to other peoples things.. then you have all-ready sat yourself up for failure, and failure real bad.

      So what a persons should be concerned about, is how well these things will hold up in their own right! In isolation!

      Also, we all suck at the beginning, I still got so much to learn in the things I want to be good at. I want to be a much better video producer, we’ll see how it goes 🙂

      Thank you again, I really, really really am deeply touched, I even got a little teary eyed.. really.

      I am kind of a softy beneath it all, heh.

  • conservative man

    I know how you feel, I too suffer from axiety, I was diagnosed with panic disorder. Keeps me from going out in public places and makes it hard to hold down a job. It’s a constant struggle, I was making great progress a few years ago but then I had a setback around 2012. Just when I think I have this thing beaten it knocks me right back down again. Those who do not suffer from this Hell cannot understand what it’s like, it’s not a simple matter of just shake it off and get over it, no not that simple, not simple at all. You are not alone Sofie, many around the world have this problem too.