Masters Of Sex Recap: All The Heartbreak In The World
On last week’s Masters of Sex, we saw everybody get sad because no one ever gets what they want or tells the truth, and it was wrenching. At least this week we open with a lighthearted little back and forth between Jane and Virginia about how hard it is to secretary for Masters because he’s basically an OCD monster.
Libby has hired a handyman to clean the gutters (NO THAT IS NOT A EUPHEMISM) and he is FINE.
Virginia’s going to take another shot at talking to Dr. DePaul, and oh dear. Virginia wants to finish her undergrad, but needs anatomy to do it, which is DePaul’s class. She’d like a waiver because she’s already logged so much time on the topic with Masters, which is true. DePaul inquires, snottily, as to why she would want a degree since she’s doing fine with her other assets? “In order to avoid comments like that in the future,” says Virginia evenly, and we love her the mostest of anything ever. Our love could power a thousand suns. DePaul won’t let her place out because women are terrible to each other sometimes.
Dr. Langham is set to brusquely break Mrs. Scully’s heart, but she cuts it off first and we’re so glad, because he was being a huge jerk.
Masters and Johnson are still fucking, apparently, as they’re hanging out in their bathrobes while working out how Masters should begin to present his work to the world. They figure out that what they really need to make presentations dynamic is a camera they can put inside a vagina. Don’t we all, people, don’t we all. Masters clinically explains that his 16-minute refractory is done and he’s ready to go again. Hawt. Irresistable as that come on is, she turns him down because she’s got to get home and isn’t he spending more time with Libby now hmmm??
Dr. Langham has come home with affair gifts for the whole family, including a vacuum for his wife.
You shouldn’t have. No, really, you shouldn’t have, and your wife totally knows you’re stepping out, and you bring home gifts when you feel guilty. You’re a cad, Langham.
Mrs. Scully and Dale, the male prostitute that Mr. Scully frequents, are in the same bar and she strikes up a conversation about loves lost. He’s waiting for Barton and she’s waiting for no one, and Barton, presumably, doesn’t even know she’s there, so when he walks in looking for Dale, things go instantly awkward and so sad. Barton has to scramble to cover his tracks – he lied and said he was at a board meeting – and Mrs. Scully has to scramble to cover hers, as she was supposed to be visiting an Aunt overnight, which is code for sexing Dr. Langham.
Dale is trying hard to extricate himself from this, but Margaret keeps him there and tells him to stay single so his heart doesn’t get broken, because when someone you love loses interest in you, it’s like losing a part of yourself. She’s talking to you, Barton. She knows that Dale isn’t a student, as Barton claims, but Barton’s solution is to tell her that Dale is a pimp who gets him lady prostitutes and to pick a fight with Margaret for stepping out. Way to lie AND shame at the same time, Barton. She walks out on him, and now we love her with the fire of two thousand suns.
Masters is on the prowl for a vagina camera, which requires him to go to a man who is positively fixated on them and proceeds to name every movie shot with every camera, Rain Man style.
Conveniently, Rain Man has a scope camera that will do the trick. VagCam is on the way.
Vivian is cooking Doctor Haas breakfast while singing “Love and Marriage” at the top of her lungs and Haas is legit terrified and goes to hide in his room.
Barton walks in on Margaret as if the previous night never happened and tells her he wants to take her out to a movie. Oh, Barton. Oh, Margaret. You’re both breaking our hearts.
Libby’s manufacturing things to keep handsome handyman around, including needing a dance lesson from him while Arthur Murray plays on the teevee. Libby’s loneliness is palpable, and she offers him money to come dance with her during the day. Oh, Libby. Everyone is breaking our hearts this episode.
Haas has decided he should get married because he’s pushing 30 and it has tax benefits and powerful men have wives. SO ROMANTIC.
Virginia’s trying to talk Jane into letting her and Masters film her vagina, for science. Rain Man has to film her, and he couldn’t look more dismayed, but he rallies. Meanwhile, Virginia turns Masters down for sexytime because she has to go to anatomy lab, where DePaul continues to treat her like dirt.
Movie time with the Scullys. Barton is certain he can just erase everything with a drive-in date, even though he hasn’t touched his wife in 6 years. He’s promising he’ll never pick up any lady prostitutes again which of course he won’t because he doesn’t like women. He does, however, love her. He really does. Just not that way. And she knows it, has known it all along, and asks him for a divorce. He’s more perplexed than mad, but she insists. They’re broken, and they can’t be fixed if he has no passion for her. Ouch.
Jewelry store trip with Haas and Langham. Guilt earrings for Mrs. Langham, wedding ring for the future Mrs. Vivian Haas. Best idea, boys.
Dr. DePaul is trying to get her male colleagues to pay attention to her lecture on the necessity of pap smears to catch cervical cancers early, and they couldn’t be more aggressively bored.
Jerks. She’s talking about Stage IV cancers and they’re staring off into the distance like they’re in 11th grade study hall.
After the presentation, DePaul is putting away the slides showing cancer patient cells, and as she closes up the folder, you see that one of the folders with Stage IV cells is hers, which explains her zeal to get her proposal for mandatory pap smears in the works quickly.
DePaul let it slip to Masters that Virginia is taking classes. He doesn’t let on that he knows about DePaul’s class. He sends her home to study for her final, and she’s unexpectedly touched, which makes sense because he’s being unexpectedly nice.
Dr. Langham is back at the jewelry shop to give the shop clerk the earrings he bought for his wife and to fuck her on a table in the office. Dr. Langham, you are the worst. We hope your wife leaves you.
Barton has sought out Masters to see if there’s any treatment to help him change his sexual orientation, including electroshock. Masters tells him there’s a doctor in New York doing aversion therapy that might work and Jesus Masters, tell the man that it is OK to be gay, not that he should go to aversion therapy.
Oh, fuck you Masters. He’s gone to Dr. DePaul behind Johnson’s back to cockblock Johnson from attending any further classes because it is interfering with the study. DePaul agrees because she gets a quid pro quo of Masters helping her get funding for the pap smear pilot. All of you people are terrible. Every last one of you. Except Virginia. And Mrs. Scully. Everyone else, though, Jesus.
Haas ends up accidentally proposing in the cafeteria at work because Vivian figures out from where they’re going for dinner that he’s about to pop the question and bullies him into explaining what the ring looks like.
Congrats, kids. We’re sure you’ll be very happy together.
Langham wants back in the study because his dick works. He’ll take anyone because he loves science.
Barton has decided that he’ll just do his own aversion therapy by watching Dale jack off and taking a drug that will induce nausea. Dale isn’t having it, because he’s got some nascent pride in who he is and isn’t going to be the object of Barton’s loathing, even for triple his usual rate. Good on you, Dale.
Dance lesson time with handyman and Libby, which is going swimmingly until she faints in his arms because, you guessed it, she’s pregnant.
Post-coital time again, and Masters is solicitously inquiring about how Johnson’s exam went and it’s all we can do not to throw the computer out the window so that we don’t have to deal with his duplicitous bullshit.
We close with Masters and Johnson watching the very first screening of VagCam: The Movie.
All would be right in the world except for the part where Masters is blocking Johnson from having any life outside of his study. Tune in next week to see how else he can be a lying sad-inducing liarpants, won’t you?