Leonard Part 6 (1987) (part 13 of 15)
Leonard’s car races on through dirt roads back to the tuna factory. He stands at the door and holds up the Sphere and demands to be let inside. Once the doors are opened for him, we get more pointless shots of buzzards. Oh, pointless buzzards, I missed you so.
Medusa gets on her microphone to welcome Leonard back. Cosby delivers a very Cosby-fied, “May ah haff mah wife back, pulllleeeeez?” All in due time, Medusa informs him, as Mr. Eyebrow-Less appears and takes back the Sphere.
Leonard repeats that he wants his wife back, so a light shines on a cage high above him. He sees Allison inside calling out his name. Suddenly, the cage comes crashing down to the ground, but his wife isn’t in it. He looks up and sees her image is being projected on the ceiling. Well, it’s being projected on a matte painting, at any rate.
Medusa chuckles that it’s a “simple hologram!” Er, so what was the point of going through all the trouble of creating a “simple hologram” if she was just going to expose it as a hologram ten seconds later? I guess Medusa just wanted to pointlessly fuck with Leonard, as well as waste another precious minute of my life.
Leonard says they had a deal, but Medusa says she lied. She tells him, “The couple that spies together, dies together!” Suddenly, two rifle muzzles are shoved under Leonard’s chin.
Leonard tells her that his wife isn’t a spy. Medusa appears in the flesh and says, “I needed a rhyme, be quiet!” I suppose I could point out that “spies together” didn’t give her a rhyme, it was the phrase she needed to rhyme with, but why bother? It’s not like I’m trying to nitpick this movie or anything.
She laughs at Leonard thinking he could fool her with dishwashing liquid. She yells that dishwashing liquid is “what was in it in the first place, you restaurant spazz! [?]” She says it’s not the liquid, but rather the Sphere’s “molybdenum chromium catalyst” that “makes the magic”. She adds, “I could put Yoo-hoo in this thing and it would work!” Is she trying to say Yoo-hoo doesn’t make magic? Because I beg to differ!
She again laughs at Leonard and says, “And you call yourself a college graduate!” Huh? Is she a college graduate? Because I’m pretty sure she failed her Remedial Taunting course.
She has Leonard taken away, and Andy offers Medusa his sage advice. If you’ve been paying attention, or even if you haven’t, you probably know the two little words that come out of his mouth. And I still couldn’t agree more.
We immediately cut to an ostrich belching. Which was an extremely necessary shot. Medusa and the whole evil gang are leading Leonard into a room of kennels and stables filled with barnyard animals. She tells him that this will be his last night on earth, while a bored Leonard tries to pet an ostrich.
Then there’s a shot of someone milking a cow, but instead of milk, blue fluid is coming out. What, is that dishwashing liquid, too? I’m no farmer, but if something blue is coming out, then I’m pretty sure you’re milking the wrong part of the cow.
On a related note, if it was just dishwashing liquid the whole time, why did that CIA agent babble all that stuff about the red fluid opening up the brain pan, and encryption, and blah blah blah? Yeah. I didn’t think there was a reason, either.
Medusa explains she “told the animals the truth” about how they’ve been “exploited by man for two million years!” And this movie just continues the grand tradition, I guess.
She then takes some time to stupidly explain her entire plan, which is to empty vats of red, blue, and green liquid into the local water supply. Supposedly, this will “liberate” all the animals and lead to an animal revolution… or something. Seriously, is it just dishwashing liquid or not?
Leonard asks who’s financing all of this, and Medusa says she did it all herself, supposedly building up a fortune from “Andy’s disability insurance”. So, Andy is Medusa’s husband, I guess. But then again, this is San Francisco. I’m sure domestic partners get plenty of benefits there, even if their primary residence happens to be a secret supervillain lair.
Medusa leads Leonard to a dungeon-like cell, and inside, his wife is shackled to the wall. Cut to Cosby, looking bored.
Medusa has Leonard put in shackles beside her, and soon Andy wheels up to once again suggest that they “Kill them!” Andy, I think I love you.
Medusa says Andy’s got the right idea, and they leave the cell and lock the couple inside. Leonard, now facing certain doom, has only one thing on his mind: “Did you pour that food on me because you love me, or hate me?” Annoyed, his wife answers, “Both!” But there’s no time to ponder this conundrum, because suddenly there’s a noise coming from the opposite wall.
Appearing between the bricks, and then eventually knocking over the entire brick wall, are a dozen animatronic lobsters. No, for real. I’m thinking the Leonard Part 6 line of action figures didn’t sell all that well.
As the lobsters approach, a bored Leonard says, “Where’s your rubber bands, fellas?” Um… yeah. Allison screams while motionless lobsters are shoved past the camera. And it’s just now occurring to me that this is probably why Nurse Carvalho was making those crab-claw gestures earlier. She really is psychic! Too bad she couldn’t warn Cosby not to do the movie in the first place.
Cut to a gymnastics goon screwing a light bulb into Medusa’s big wall map of California. Thanks for putting in your 110%, man. DudeWhere’sMyEyebrows appears and says that soon “all of Northern California will be ours!” Other than a select few neighborhoods in San Francisco, I’d say you can have it.
Medusa enters, calling out the names of cities, and each time she does this one of her goons answers back stuff like “online!” and “operational!” This seems to be purely for the purpose of name-dropping Piedmont, Oakland, San Jose, and Berkeley. Like I said, she can have it. Medusa wraps up this roll call and commands Mr. No Eyebrows to “Feed me!” So he hands her what I think is… a bowl of potato chips? Sure. Let’s go with that.
Back in the dungeon, plastic lobsters are everywhere. They’re about to kill Leonard and Allison through the ancient martial art known as “not moving at all”. Then we get a lovely Lobster Cam POV shot as one of them directly marches towards Leonard’s groin area, claws at the ready. Yes, we are now getting close-ups of Bill Cosby’s crotch, oh joy.
Fortuitously, the claw of a different lobster clips Leonard’s shackles. He quickly gets free and pulls the lobsters off Allison. He then orders the lobsters to clip her shackles too, but they refuse. I mean, as much as lobsters can refuse to do anything. They aren’t exactly outspoken creatures.
So Leonard takes out another item that Nurse Carvalho gave him: Namely, the big blob of melted butter. As he pulls it out of his pocket, the expected colored sparkles dance all around it.
You see, melted butter scares one of the lobsters, because it somehow convinces the lobster that Leonard is going to eat it if it doesn’t comply. At least, I’m assuming that’s what the joke is. I guess there’s nothing lobsters hate more in the world than melted butter, though you’d think big pots of boiling water would be pretty high up there.
Allison is finally snipped free, and then they both grab hunks of melted butter to make the crustaceans back off, all the while chanting, “Melted butter! Melted butter!”
After a pointless shot of Medusa surveying red, green, and blue pipes on a TV monitor, we cut to Leonard and Allison escaping their cell. Leonard wants to just leave, Piedmont be damned, but Allison says if he doesn’t get the Sphere back and “save the world”, she never wants to see him again. Save the world? Come on, it’s Oakland.
Leonard stops in his tracks and turns to look at her, and “hilariously”, he stops right under a leaky pipe that’s dumping water right on his head, causing him to make that gurgling “underwater talking” voice.
He gets her to say that if he saves the world, she’ll think about moving back in with him. So off they go to save the world.