The Lamest Orgy: A True Story I Just Overheard At This Casual L.A. Restaurant

The Lamest Orgy: A True Story I Just Overheard At This Casual L.A. Restaurant

I’m listening to a group of folks talk about the lamest orgy they’ve ever had. This is amazing. Which is why I’m going to transcribe it for you here. I know it’s rude to eavesdrop, but c’mon. You know you want to read this.

Someone on Twitter raised the possibility that I might be listening in on a production conversation for a porn shoot, since I’m right near Vivid’s HQ, but I have been listening intently for quite a few minutes, and they are not professionals. There is no mention of a budget for this orgy or lights, camera, action. Apparently The Lamest Orgy happened at some guy’s house in the Hollywood Hills, and it was apparently a private party. A super lame private party. And these hipster pansexuals did NOT have fun.

THE LAMEST ORGY

We’re in an expensive but “casual” Los Angeles restaurant. BLONDE YOUNG THING, CUTE GUY and SUPER HANDSOME MAN sit at a table wearing various types of American Apparel/thrift store combo ensembles. Expensive sunglasses perch on well-coiffed heads. Nearby, AWKWARD BLOGGER sits at her computer, awkwardly blogging.

CUTE GUY
Uuuuugh, that orgy was so lame.

BLONDE YOUNG THING
Right? Ew.

SUPER HANDSOME MAN
Yeah, it was lame? But like, I’ve been to worse?

CUTE GUY
Bullshit. You have not.

SUPER HANDSOME MAN
Yes I fucking have. I lived in New York for four years.

BLONDE YOUNG THING
Oh, snap!

They all laugh like this is a very funny thing that she has said.

SUPER HANDSOME MAN
Alright, you know what? That was the lamest orgy I’ve been to in LA. It might be the lamest ever.

CUTE GUY
I’m fucking telling you it was the lamest ever. The food was stupid. The people were stupid. Even the house was stupid. I hate the Hills so much because I always have trouble driving those twisting streets, especially when I’m drunk. LOL! [He actually says LOL, out loud, and everyone laughs. Out loud.]

A popular Aretha Franklin song involving the concept of dignity and mutual acknowledgement of one’s worth comes on the Pandora station. Everybody commences jamming in their seats.

CUTE GUY
If you don’t like this song, you are a monster!

BLONDE YOUNG THING
Everybody loves this song!

SUPER HANDSOME MAN
The music did suck last night. That is one thing that sucked, I’m not gonna lie.

At this point, the BLONDE YOUNG THING holds out her hand to the SUPER HANDSOME MAN. All join hands. AWKWARD BLOGGER is very confused for a moment, until the reason becomes apparent.

BLONDE YOUNG THING
One, two, three four…

ALL
I declare a thumb war!

They commence a three-way thumb war. CUTE GUY wins swiftly and definitively.

CUTE GUY
Fuck yes! As usual! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A waitress appears.

WAITRESS
Who had the eggs?

CUTE GUY
Oh right, food.

Fin.

 

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  • JoBuNYC

    Food, the most overlooked part of any orgy.

    • sarabenincasa

      Right? I would never think of food!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I hope you brought enough for everybodyso to speak…

      • glasspusher

        true fact, my dear: when I was an undergrad, I got a ~10 page invite/ground rule explanation to a sex party, and there was to be a fully clothed dinner beforehand. Wasn’t able to go, but just reading the invite got my girlfriend quite hot and bothered.

    • natoslug

      Who wants to deal with limp celery and a generally questionable spread at an orgy?

    • themightysven

      well, you’ve got to expect a decent spread

    • It’s not the sort of thing you potluck.

  • Sensory_Homunculus

    I didn’t think it was possible, but I hate LA even more now. Well done!Love,A Denizen of Fly-Over Country

    • Sensory_Homunculus

      Other than that, how was your day?? I’m really quite interested.

      • sarabenincasa

        Pretty good thanks! Great food at this place.

  • Peter Walford

    😀 😀 😀

  • BMW

    I assume blonde young thing is an attractive woman? That’d explain their excited reaction to her many dumb words. Attractive women turn men stupid.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      attractive women are also responsible for bad music- they like it, the menfolk around them then convince themselves that they like it also too, because it might help them score with said wimmenz

  • Snarknado

    Oh yeah? Well, we may have lame orgies in New York, but at least none of these guys live there, so we have that going for us at least.

  • Then they all went off to get elecro-tand while they debated their current palio diets.

  • Respiteini

    I miss SoCal. I miss SoCal so very, very much. Not sure if it’s because or in spite of silly over-the-top cliche stuff like this. But I miss it.

  • jasonstahl

    This is by far the worst thing I’ve read on HNTP. This piece is lazy and boring. Less this and more arts and entertainment critique/review please.

    • Brendan_M

      Wait, do you live in the Hollywood Hills and have you thrown any parties recently?

      • jasonstahl

        Nope, I live in Minnesota. Yes, and my orgies are legendary.

  • Scott Earley

    Only in California can you not enjoy an orgy!

  • Gustave188

    But why can’t we write nice things about our huuuuusbaaands?

  • mic marty
  • MilwaukeeKent

    Oh man, that sounds like SNL’s “The Californians” skit collides with “Seinfeld” on cable.Only time the spousal unit and I spent in LA, way back in ’99, we met a friend for dinner at “El Coyote” *. It happened that the party room — just the other side of more-a-screen-than-a-wall from our table — was hosting a birthday celebration for a crowd from Hustler HQ, video division, mostly actresses. The conversations were amazing to over-hear and unavoidable. It defined a side of LA for us.Cities can get a tone. Three things I overheard on one walk around NYC:” Hey Louie! How’d you do at the track?””Pretty good. I only lost 150!””You can NEVER have too many chairs!””Hey! There’s another sidewalk down there!” [*allegedly where the Tate party ate just before encountering the Manson family]

  • Dragoon21b

    somehow I don’t think that word means what they think it means…

  • lesterthegiantape

    I hate it when you write stuff I can’t masturbate to. More posts about Hitler, please.