Ladies, Your Endless Pawing At Your Genitals Isn’t Winning You Any Friends In Heaven

Ladies, Your Endless Pawing At Your Genitals Isn't Winning You Any Friends In HeavenHey ladies! How’s it hanging? And by “it,” I mean your engorged clitoris, which you are currently diddling because of Satan and lust and sadness and idolatry and the “void” that is your ginny. Let’s all get out our hand mirrors and hold them up to inspect … OUR SOULS!

The “her.meneutics” (get it? good one!) section at Christianity Today has a fine piece by Jordan Monge that is … weird? Like, it is telling ladies to stop their infernal batin’, but it is the somewhat less patriarchal and sexist answer to all the other sermons about why ladies should stop batin’?

I don’t know, it’s kind of confusing, you guys. Basically, Monge says LISTEN YOU DUMB PASTORS, STOP BEING SEXIST PIGGIES and assuming men are driven by lust while delicate sexless ladies are just turning the shower nozzle on their hoohas because they’re psychologically damaged! Women do too have sex drives and physical desires! They are not just diddling their beans or ramming giant black dildos up there because of having “attachment issues” or the desire to “fill a void.” (Actually, that’s exactly why women masturbate.)

And then, having said all that, and that sex is good and orgasms are great, and sexual desire and pleasure are nice and not dirty filthy tricks of The Debbil, she reminds us all to STOP HAVING IT outside our marital beds, with our (presumably male) husbys, and certainly not by our own hand should we be, say, unmarried sad spinster crones, like SOME OF US I could name.

To fully address female masturbation, we don’t need more psychoanalysis about sex that implicitly negates female sexuality. We need a biblical approach that recognizes both the immense pleasure of the female orgasm and the inherent goodness of sexual desire while reserving its proper place for within marriage.

We need a strategy that recognizes the sin of lust and calls it by its name, rather than pretending that women have no agency beyond reacting to environmental stressors or psychological difficulties. We must treat lust like other sins—not a way we act out as a consequence of other problems in our lives—but as a sin requiring us to learn the discipline of self-control that we must master if we ever hope to be the women God made us to be.

It was all so promising! And then Jesus had to swing by and fuck everything up.

[ChristianityToday]

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  • Hammiepants

    So can I play with myself or not???

    • Jennifer Nicole

      Only if you either want to go to Hell or remember to ask Jesus’ forgiveness afterwards.

      • CripesAmighty

        “fap,fap,fap,…Oh, Jesus!” There. That should do it.

  • Dragoon21b

    evidently she seems to be fine with masturbating ones ego by writing down rules for how other people should behave…Just sayn

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    I agree that we don’t need any more psychoanalysis, blah blah blah, but a biblical approach? I think an audiovisual approach would be much better . . .

    • WIDTAP

      I am thinking a downwind approach. Better lift coefficients.

  • gullywompr

    Dear Women:All your orgasm are belong to us.Love,Your Husbands

    • Jennifer Nicole

      Maybe that’s why some are so stingy in giving them?

      • Guest

        Ah, so you admit it, then!

    • WIDTAP

      Remember – they call it a “uterus”, not a “uter-you”.(Thank you Simpsons writers via Craig Ferguson)

    • gingerland62

      Dear Husbands,Those weren’t orgasms.Love.Women.

      • gullywompr

        Pfft! Like that matters…

  • eastcoastlib

    “To fully address female masturbation, we don’t need more psychoanalysis about sex that implicitly negates female sexuality. We need a biblical approach….”Wait, what? The biblical approach has never been the answer to any problem ever.

  • jodyleek

    A biblical approach? Does that mean I’m supposed to dress like Salome before I spank it?

  • Swampgas_Man

    Jesus never diddled himself w/ that hole in his hand, O no!

    • james_nasium

      He can’t play the piano, either, but I hear he fiddles with his beard.

  • Force Crater

    I love the 6 step approach:A – Avoid tempting situations as much as possible.N – Say no to lustful thoughts in five seconds.T – Turn the mind toward Christ as a superior satisfaction.H – Hold the promise and pleasure of Jesus in your mind to drive other thoughts out.E – Enjoy a superior satisfaction in Christ.M – Move into a useful activity away from idleness and other vulnerable situations.Read them carefully and note that they all require magic! This is the basic problem with Christianity: they have no methods! Just think happy thoughts when Satan sits down next to you in the stall. Also! What is wrong with “enjoy your pleasure!” Not only does their religion fail to offer them any help. It also requires them to lie to themselves and each other.”I want to speak of the despisers of the body. I would not have them learn and teach differently, but merely say farewell to their own bodies — and thus become silent.” – Nietzsche

  • Lincoln Eddy

    I fully support going full Satanist while diddling, preferably with the band Ghost’s ritual kit:http://shop.ghost-official.com/index.php/ritual-set/phallos-mortuus-ritual-box-set.html

  • glasspusher

    I found this post very easy to fap to.

  • ryp

    I believe this article needs to be more fully illustrated for clarity.

  • And then Jesus had to swing by and fuck everything up.

    And not only that, he also stole my girlfriend.

  • Greg Comlish

    Geezey-Petes, I feel bad for this girl. Look sweetie, time is running out faster than you know. You’re a woman and you’ve got a decent amount of sex appeal, It ain’t gonna last. Don’t waste your sexuality by suppressing it with sophomoric bullshit. Jesus asks: Who lights a candle and places it under a basket? You do, every single time you assault your own conscience and sense of goodness for embracing your natural sexual urges. One day that pussy is going to dry out and it isn’t going to get any wetter no matter how much you pray to Jesus.

  • james_nasium

    Dear Your Honorific Editrix, I could say that you had me at engorged clitoris, but you had me some months ago at wet pussy fart. Oddly, and perhaps unfortunately, I’ve never heard either term brought up in casual conversation. I now feel my entire life has been spent in the wrong places! Thank God for Wonkette and all.

  • mtn_philosoph

    WIIJDB — Why Is It Jeebus’ Damned Business?If you are worried about what the sky god thinks of your recreational activities in the shower, install a thicker curtain and remember to lock the bathroom door. It’s your time, and how you spend it is no one else’s damned business.

  • VirginiaLady

    How many times do I have to say “OH GOD” before it becomes biblical?