‘Kim Of Queens’ Is The Best Show On At 2am If You Must Watch Something At 2am

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OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS! Were you watching Lifetime on New Year’s Day? Did you see the best new show to grace the airwaves? Well, since you missed it, here’s the thing: Kim of Queens has won the television. Let us recap for you. Kim Gravel was once Miss Georgia.

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We have no words.

Now, Kim describes herself as the best pageant coach in the United States, which we don’t doubt, because there is no doubt that Kim won Miss Georgia through sheer force of will, illustrating the importance of persevering despite all obstacles placed in front of you, regardless of how unsuitable you may be for challenge at hand.

So, the show’s premise: Kim coaches girls to become pageant queens, highlighting their transformation under her watchful tutelage. In what was repeatedly billed as the pilot episode, despite the fact that it appears episode 2 already aired on December 17, Kim takes her new client, country girl Addison, and turns her into a pageant princess. With an apathetic group of pre-teenage “pageant pros” looking on,

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…Kim, and her unexplained and unintroduced mother and sister, wave their magic wands and…spoiler alert, Addison wins the entire pageant!

Throughout the episode Kim and the mothers of the tweens (ostensibly Kim’s long term clients) suggest that these listless “pageant pros” were threatened by the addition of this new, bubbly competitor, despite the obvious lack of interest in their new-found competition. Which we assume is because Addison was, gasp, perhaps not completely unknown to the existing clientele. Do we have evidence to back up this shocking claim? No. A semi-half-hearted search of the internet turned up no proof, but frankly, searching for a young girl with the intent of disproving her autobiography started to feel pretty creepy, pretty quickly.

Anyway, it’s not the destination; it’s the journey, right? Along the way there are highs and there are lows: it turns out that Addison’s only talent is clogging. For some inexplicable reason, clogging is a completely unacceptable talent, while fake tap dancing your way to the crown is a win! The crown was also momentarily in doubt when Addison’s much debated camouflage-inspired “outfit of choice” was somehow forgotten in the scramble to get to the Sweet Onion Blossom Pageant. And by forgotten, we mean left behind by Kim’s sister Allison, who reveals her duplicity to the camera, but not her business partners. Who else sees a knock-down, drag-out fight in the reunion special?!

The pageant itself seemed a little anti-climatic. Marah, one of the apathetic tweens that were poorly showcased throughout the show, made her brief debut on stage (also fake tap dancing) before awkwardly forgetting her fake dance and then running off stage. Other members of the cotillion gave eye-flutteringly vague answers to inane questions. We can only assume that the girls were in shell-shock after being followed around by cameras and klieg lights, because as any middle school teacher knows, no group of tween girls is that quiet. In contrast, Addison shined in her role as country-girl turned pageant princess, effortless in both her fake tap dancing and her fake smiling.

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But, while the semi-scripted tension of the competition to become Miss Sweet Onion Blossom may not put the bloom on your particular flower, the incredible footage of Addison and Kim practicing their fake tap dancing facial expressions certainly will.

In fact, the vast array of Michele Bachmann eyes

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…on offer throughout the entire show is more than enough to keep you entertained for 21 minutes.

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Whatever your feels about the show, it’s impossible to watch it and without sorta kinda wanting to hang out with Kim Gravel for a day as she teaches you to think it, feel it, work it, and win it. And really, isn’t that what we all want, deep down?

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  • HEY!! Are you, like, in my bunker w/ me? Because I was wandering over the telebision wasteland & stopped on KoQ for literally the very segment you posted. ++Creepy, ‘specially because this isn’t the sort of programming I usually watch, even at 0200.

    regardless of how unsuitable you may be for the challenge at hand.

    No sheet. Heh heh.

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