Man Time: Who Is This Johnny Manziel Person, and Why Do We Hate Him?

Man Time: Who Is This Johnny Manziel Person, and Why Do We Hate Him?

Perfectly innocent.

“Hate” is a strong word, but Johnny Manziel is easily the most punchable football player in America right now. So who is Johnny Manziel, why is that photo of him rolling up a bill going viral, and do we only sort of hate him, or is he worthy of full-blown Michael-Vick-right-after-the-dog-thing hate? Here is your HappyNiceTime primer on a football person you may be getting to know soon.

Who is Johnny Manziel?

The son of old Texas oil money, Jonathan Paul Manziel grew up as comfortably as anyone can. He is very fast and can throw a football a long way, so he lit up high school football in Texas, which means that he could run for governor there right now and probably win. Manziel played college football at Texas A&M, where the students nicknamed him “Johnny Football,” which should tell you everything you need to know about the Texas A&M student body.

“Johnny Football,” seriously?

Seriously. It’s even a registered trademark.

That was sort of smart, trademarking his nickname.

All part of a larger theme. Despite coming from a family where stress relief takes the form of 18 holes at Hollytree Country Club, Manziel has been fixated on making tons of money since basically forever. Witness his super-obnoxious rubbing-fingers-together-thing, which he’s been trying to make his signature move since before he could drive the Mercedes his daddy bought him.

Fingers-rubbing-together-thing?

Yeah, it’s his thing. You know when an old-timey gangster mentions that some dame is after his simoleons? Or you’re worried about some rat fink wearin’ a wire, so you don’t say nuthin’ out loud, and instead your rub your fingers together to symbolize money? Like that. Manziel does that thing, all the time. Here, look.

Ugh.

It’s his touchdown celebration.

 

Asshat

He even does it when he’s not in the game.

Obnoxious

So of course he did it when he got drafted

That is seriously obnoxious.

Furrilltho. It’s obnoxious enough to prompt former Dallas Cowboys head coach Barry Switzer to remark, “I don’t like his antics. I think he’s an arrogant little (expletive). I’ve said that and I’ll say it again.” And Switzer coached Michael Irvin.

Who is Michael Irvin?

Not actually important to this story.

Oh, okay. Sorry to interrupt.

Not at all! There are no dumb questions, only dumb people. And we’ve only scratched the surface of Manziel’s obnoxiousness.

Is he a Bible humper? Of course he is, he’s a football player in Texas.

Is he besties with Drizzy Drake, the softest rapper alive? YUSSS. And why not? Manziel started nowhere near the bottom, now he here.

Was he too hungover to attend football camp with Peyton Manning? Yep.

Did he manage to get kicked out of a frat party at UT-Austin? Oh most definitely.

That’s obnoxious, I guess, but it doesn’t seem too far outside the norm for a douchey bro-dude in his early 20s.

Ah, but you haven’t seen this.

Ohmigod, the laughs from the bros around him. Did we mention that this Instagram video was taken and posted by a professional golfer? Told you Manziel was the most punchable man in football.

 

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  • dorquemada

    He’s the LeBron James of college football. An overhyped attention whore that ESPN blows on a daily basis.During the NFL draft they’d cut to him when every person before him was called. Got to be quite entertaining watching him squirm. I predict his daddy and ESPN will make sure he doesn’t go to Cleveland.

    • mfp

      except, lebron can actually play his game

      • dorquemada

        Only when the refs are in on it. Bwahahahaha.

        • mfp

          nice

          • Stone

            johnny Bust

  • EricPoole

    Yeah, and he went to Cleveland. Western Pennsylvania native likes that.

  • Dylan Black

    I can’t seem to see the “instagram” thingy…I’m not sure this is a bad thing.

  • Gustave188

    What is it with these younger pro football dipshits and their supposed love for Jeebus? If its any consolation, most pro scouts feel Manziel will flame out Tebow-style in the NFL – too small, bad fundamentals. Soon he will be free to keep sucking off his family money and become the subject of a 2024 “where are they now” article.

    • mfp

      manziel will make tebow look like a hall-o-famer

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      By 2024 the question isn’t going to be ‘where is he now?’, it’s going to be ‘who?’

    • Manziel, like Tebow, is an improviser, some raw talent, but not a game manager. About 1137% of NFL head coaches and OCs are deeply, deeply impressed by QBs who won’t / can’t run a game plan.

  • mfp

    mostly, we hate him cause he can roll up $hunnids and we have to make do with $twennys

  • Whollyholeyholy

    I hate where I came from and hate the college I went to, thus I love this and so will the friends I made at that school.>

  • ifolkinrock

    So he’s basically Kenny Powers?

    • Molly the Dog

      A non-fiction Kenny Powers.

  • Force Crater

    To be fair I was too hungover to attend football camp with Peyton Manning. I am not however the biggest douche nozzle since Ryan Leaf. I can read and I do NOT bathe in a pool of Axe body spray attended by A&M coeds. I did however encounter Johnny walking down the street yesterday with a live pig under his arm. When I asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig said, “I lost a bet with a sports agent!”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    What, no mention of the multiple fake IDs so lil Johnny could party every night? No mention of the fights and the temper? How about the NCAA investigation for selling autographs that daddy made go away with just a slap on the wrist? This douchebag is going to crash and burn and I will laugh my ass off when it happens.

  • I hope the Browns start him against the Steelers in the first game of their season. But even if they don’t, chances are he’ll probably be in the lineup for their other matchup later in the year, because Cleveland doesn’t have a solid O-line and their current starter (Brian Hoyer) can only take so many sacks before he is broken as a player.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    You’d think he’d be able to roll up two bills at once with his celebratory finger rubbing.