Jane the Virgin: Spit It Out Already!

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Communication is key, whether you want your baby mama to trust you, your baby daddy not to move to Mexico, or your lesbian lover/stepmother is wanted for murder.


Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • #TeamJaFael and #TeamRioMara are going strong…except #TeamRiomara might be broken up if Rogelio takes a telenovela job in Mexico
  • The police have finally figured out that Rose is Sin Rostro! Except she skipped town so they don’t know where she is
  • It’s ironic how the real crazy stuff is going on outside out of the mental institution Luisa is stuck in
  • Lachlan kicked Petra out, but her Crazy Czech Ex bought her shares of the hotel so she doesn’t have to go anywhere
  • Hey, remember Roman Zazo? The dude from the pilot who got stabbed? He’s alive!

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad, we’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

The Narrator tells us that five years ago, Jane and Rafael had very different plans. Jane decided against going to an out-of-state college in favor of a school in Miami and waitressing to graduate debt free. By the time she was 23, Jane expected to be a college graduate looking for a teaching job and maybe working on her first novel. Meanwhile, Rafael didn’t have any plans for his life. “That’s not true, I plan on going to Bora Bora this week,” he protested when his dad yelled at him for having no direction.

And now, five years later, Jane is accidentally artificially inseminated with Rafael’s baby and he divorced his wife for her and they’re in love and picking out baby cribs together.

Well, those were some turns nobody could have foreseen.

And guess who’s worming his way back into the A plot? Michael! He shows up at Rafael’s apartment to reveal that Rose is Sin Rostro and has been running a plastic surgery ring to protect drug criminals. Jane realizes that this sounds a lot like a telenovela and puts on her Telenovela Glasses in order to deal with the ridiculousness of it all.

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Jane the Virgin 3D movie, coming soon to a theater to you!

Michael asks to speak to Luisa about Rose, and Rafael realizes that Luisa isn’t crazy after all. He vows to get her out of the mental institution. Meanwhile, Luisa is already planning her escape, except she thinks Rose is in danger instead of knowing that Rose IS the danger.

As Jane and Xiomara eagerly discuss the telenovela that is Rafael’s life, Rogelio interrupts to tell them about his telenovelas. He has two offers: one is to move to Mexico and play the lead and the other one is to play second fiddle to his rival but at least it’s in Miami. He wants Xiomara to ask him to stay, but Xiomara is waiting for Rogelio to tell her that he can’t live without her.

And now, since neither one can spit it out, they think the other one doesn’t love them enough. I am declaring this one Subplots No One Cares About. In a more interesting subplot, Petra returns to the hotel she was once banned from, ignoring the manager who tries to throw her out.

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Guess who wins this battle?

Petra smugly tells Rafael that she isn’t going anywhere for like the 100th time, and he is all, “Can my life BE anymore complicated?” Well, Rafael, since you asked…

Michael tells the hotel employees to keep an eye out for Rafael’s dad Emilio, and Jane remembers a suspicious phone call Rafael made and worries that Rafael is hiding his father. She does some snooping and sees Rafael coming out of a room, talking to someone. After he leaves, she knocks on the door and sees Roman Zazo! Who is supposed to be dead!

She blabs everything to Michael, and they go up to confront Rafael. Jane puts on her Telenovela Glasses to hear Rafael explain that the guy isn’t Roman Zazo, but his identical twin brother Aaron. Even though Rafael is innocent, he is still mad at Jane’s meddling. “Why don’t you trust me?” he asks her.

Meanwhile, Luisa puts her escape plan in action: sneaking past the receptionist and picking the locked door. Is that it? That’s all you need to do to escape from this place? Why isn’t Miami crawling with mental patients then?

Luisa gets away, of course, but Rafael shows up and is all, “Uh, I was going to sign you out today anyway.”

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Oh come on, Luisa. It was hardly The Great Escape anyway.

Rafael tells Luisa that Rose is Sin Rostro and is not to be trusted. “Well, no lesbian love story is completely happy,” shrugs Luisa. “Especially when the object of your affections is your own stepmother,” she fails to add.

Back at the hotel, Jane’s friend Lina helps her organize a baby shower, which makes Jane realize that having an accidentally artificially inseminated baby is more complicated than she thought. For one, she and Rafael don’t live together, which means they have to get two of everything for the baby. Plus, she doesn’t fully trust him, and to top it all off, she doesn’t even know what his favorite song is!

Jane finds Rafael and apologizes for blabbing to Michael but points out that trust takes time to form. “Or at least a couple episodes,” she says. They agree to work on their issues together instead of telling Michael things that might let him worm his way into the A plot.

Luisa finds a letter from Rose and realizes Rose left a clue about where Emilio is. She summons Michael, Rafael, and Jane to tell them she knows where to find Emilio’s body. The clue was “Your father is where the lightning first struck–there were fireworks,” and Luisa explains that she and Rose first had sex in a pool. And what did they build on the cement pit where Emilio was buried it? A pool.

“I’m pretty sure I’m sitting on Dad,” says Luisa.

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God, I would hope so.

They dig up the pool and find Emilio’s body. Michael asks Luisa for everything on Rose to get more details about her drug ring, but Luisa would rather focus on their tragic love story and how they had to hide their love from the cruel world. “Okay, but you do know she’s a criminal, right?” asks Michael. “And your stepmother,” he fails to add.

After talking to the police, Luisa gets a call from Rose, who tells her that she loves her and asks Luisa to run away with her.

At Emilio’s funeral, Rafael is upset that Petra has called a board meeting to oust him from the hotel. Jane wants to comfort him but doesn’t know how. Rafael asks Luisa to give him her shares of the hotel to defeat Petra, but this pisses Luisa off that her brother only cares about money when their dad was just found murdered by her lesbian lover. His wife and her stepmother, she fails to add.

Also, she is still mad about the “locking her up in a mental institution” thing.

Jane confides in Rogelio that she doesn’t know how to help Rafael, but Rogelio is still upset that Xiomara hasn’t asked him to stay. Jane is tired of this subplot so she sits her parents down until they admit they love each other. Rogelio decides to stay and work on his rival’s space-themed telenovela, which is every bit of  awesome as it sounds.

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In space, no one can hear you dramatically slap someone!

At the board meeting, Rafael announces that Luisa is signing over her shares to him, but Petra announces that Luisa is signing over the shares to her. “Say what?!” demands Rafael. As it turns out, at the funeral, Petra pretended to be into the same stuff Luisa is into (lesbians, shamans, alcohol) to turn Luisa against Rafael.

“From now on, I’m the face of the Mirabella Hotel,” she smugly tells Rafael. Her confidence is only slightly shaken when she bumps into Aaron in the elevator, but after she finds out he is a twin and not a spirit of the dead to haunt her soul, Petra is back on top.

Meanwhile, Xiomara is so happy that Rogelio is staying in town for her that she breaks her vow of chastity. She was supposed to wait until marriage to have sex again, but Rogelio staying in town is just of a big commitment so she figures it evens out. I don’t really buy the logic, so if Alba goes into another coma next episode, we’ll know why.

Michael informs Rafael that Luisa has run away to be with Rose. Jane brings him Chinese food to cheer him up.

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“You want an egg roll or something?”

Jane and Rafael say “I love you” to each other, and Rafael proposes that they move in together. Jane is a little taken aback. “You sure you don’t want pizza instead?” she asks.

So let’s review:

  • Rafael wants to move in with Jane, but she would rather eat Chinese and/or Italian
  • #TeamRiomara is still together! And Rogelio is going to be on a space-themed telenovela! I don’t know which one I am most excited for!
  • Petra now controls the hotel. Let’s see how she handles all the murders and drug deals that go down in that place.
  • Luisa has skipped town to join Rose even though Rose is a murdering criminal. Come on, Luisa. You can find love somewhere else.
  • Zazo is alive! Oh wait, that’s just his twin.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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  • Historicat

    Why isn’t Miami crawling with mental patients then?

    It’s Florida, they’re all mental patients.