Jane the Virgin: So much for a happy ending

Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane and Michael got married! And we were about to lose “the Virgin” in the title, but then Michael got shot!
  • Why did he get shot? He realized that his perky police partner Susanna is lying about her identity. Susanna shot him because of the whole “dead men can’t spill your secrets” thing.
  • But Susanna did reveal her true identity to her girlfriend, Luisa. Check out the reveal here.
  • In case you didn’t watch the video, Susanna is actually Rose, who is Sin Rostro. So the Sin Rostro subplot is still around.
  • Petra’s evil twin Anezka knocked her out and currently has her #Petrafied in the hospital. Anezka then assumed Petra’s identity and seduced Rafael.
  • Speaking of seduction, Rogelio’s arch-nemesis Esteban seduced Xiomara and now she’s pregnant!

Get it? Got it? Good? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

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As usual in Jane the Virgin, we get a flashback to Jane’s childhood that sets the theme for the episode. In this case, Young Jane and Xiomara go to a book talk hosted by a romance novelist. Young Jane is not just there to fangirl; she attacks the author for not delivering a traditional happy ending. The author explains that sometimes, romances have unhappy endings. Jane attacks the author for not writing a romance properly and the other attendees murmur their agreement. Xiomara and Jane are quickly escorted out before they can start a riot amongst the angry, sexually unfulfilled women.

Young Jane pouts that from now on, she’s going to read the endings of books so she knows if they’re going to be happy or not.

It’s too bad life is not a book. If it were, maybe Jane could skip over the part where she discovers Michael’s body in the hotel hallway and sobs over it. The Narrator reminds us that Michael would always love Jane until his dying breath, which is totally not foreshadowing at all.

As Gina Rodriguez cries over Michael and tries to earn that second Golden Globe, we get a flashback to the day after Jane’s epic 21st birthday when she met Michael. Michael asked her for a date the next day, but then so did Hot Sam!

Wait, who’s Hot Sam?

3

This, my friends, is Hot Sam.

Don’t look at him too long. It’s like staring at the sun. Anyway, Hot Sam is explained to be Jane’s college friend whom she’s had a crush on forever. Xiomara advises Jane to blow off Michael for Hot Sam. Even though Jane is usually honest and truthful, she lies to Michael that she’s sick so she can go out with Hot Sam.

In the present day, the Villanueva family anxiously waits in the hospital for news about Michael. Mrs. Cordero, Michael’s mother, arrives. In case you don’t remember, she hates Jane. Mrs. Cordero did not find the #TeamJaFael vs #TeamJaMichael love triangle captivating, just annoying. There’s an awkward moment when the doctor asks for Mrs. Cordero and both Jane and well, Mrs. Cordero respond. Mrs. Cordero immediately hogs the doctor’s attention to ask questions about Michael and Jane lets her take over.

In a flashback, Jane is leaving Casa Villanueva to go on her date with Hot Sam. Just then, Michael pulls up to the house to drop off some soup for the supposedly sick Jane. He sees Jane getting into Hot Sam’s car and is upset that she lied. Since he’s in his police car, Michael pulls them over for an illegal U-turn and takes the opportunity to confront Jane.

4

“Any chance this Good Cop/Bad Cop routine is going to emphasize the good?”

Seriously, Michael is so creepy. First, he blew off police work to bring soup over to Jane, whom he barely knows. Then, he pulled her over when she was on her date! How did Jane end up marrying this guy instead of running far, far away from him?

Anyway, in the present day, Rafael is at the Marbella helping the police go through the security footage to find Michael’s shooter. Unfortunately, Susanna/Rose was smart enough to wipe the security tape. The police ask Petra (who is really Anezka, so I will refer to her as such) to help them go through the other security tapes. Anezka panics because she’s supposed to get back to the hospital to give Petra another dose of the paralysis injection, or else her ruse will be discovered.

Rafael notices two guys in the hospital waiting room watching him and ready to tweet it out, and begs them not to post, so that Jane and the rest of the family can have privacy. “I’ll do anything,” he tells them. “Anything?” the guys repeat as they exchange looks.

Mrs. Cordero continues to be a monster-in-law to Jane and snipes at her. I guess I know where Michael gets his crappy attitude from. In the past, Jane feels guilty for lying to Michael, so she goes to the police station to apologize. Michael’s boss overhears their conversation and learns that Michael spent a good part of his shift hanging out at Jane’s birthday party. Michael gets in trouble, but sadly, he’s not punished for the date-creeping, even though he should be.

Jane waits for Michael in the parking lot and apologizes again for getting him into trouble. She asks for a second chance, but informs him that she’s also planning on dating Sam too. You know, so he doesn’t stalk them in his cop car. Michael is not cool with being in “a love triangle”, even though it’s totally reasonable for Jane to date both men non-exclusively until she gets to know them better. They end up arguing and Jane mocks him for having a cat in his Facebook profile picture. He informs Jane that his cat just died, and she’s a jackass. Jane snaps back that he’s a dick.

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The beginning of an epic love story, everyone.

Back at the Marbella, Anezka is still stuck reviewing security tapes and Petra’s paralysis is wearing off. She makes an excuse to leave the tape room and tries to sneak out through the stairwell. Unfortunately, she gets locked in the stairwell because she, unlike Petra, doesn’t know the door codes. The security guards see her struggling on the cameras and are suspicious.

Outside the hospital, Xiomara catches Rogelio acting suspicious, and he admits that he peed in a cup to help the two would be-Tweeters pass their drug test and keep Jane’s privacy. Rogelio confesses to Xiomara that Michael is his best friend and he’ll be devastated if Michael dies, and dammit, peeing in a cup for blackmail is the only way he feels any control in the situation. Since Xiomara startled Rogelio and caused him to throw out his pee, she offers to pee a new sample for him. Then she remembers she’s got Esteban’s bun in her oven and admits the pregnancy to Rogelio. She also adds that she’s serious about not having any more children, and Rogelio promises to support her in her decision.

The doctors report that Michael has stabilized, but there’s swelling around his spine and bullet fragments are still in there. They can either wait and see if the swelling goes down or perform surgery to remove the bullet fragments. Either way, there’s a chance Michael could be paralyzed. Since Jane is Michael’s wife, it’s her final decision. Mrs. Cordero believes the surgery is too risky, but Jane remembers another memory about Michael.

After their fight in the parking lot, Michael shows up at Casa Villanueva once more. He apologizes and offers to walk away from Jane if she wants him to. “Okay, walk away,” says Jane. “You’re cute but you got kinda creepy in the end there.”

“Only kinda creepy?” asks Michael. “Let me turn that up a notch.”

He comes back after walking away and insists to Jane that he’s not going to give up, because their drunken kiss at her party was magical. He kisses Jane again and she decides to give him a chance.

Based on this memory, Jane decides Michael would want the surgery because he’s a fighter. She means that metaphorically, but I believe it applies literally as well. Mrs. Cordero admits that Jane is right, and the two briefly make peace.

Jane gives the comatose Michael a pep talk before he goes into surgery. “You’re going to wake up and you’re going to to be okay,” she tells him. “And obviously, we are going to bang like crazy.” Jane imagines their whole life together: they’ll have two kids together, go on regular family vacations to the mountains, and have regular Sunday dinners with all of their family. And when they get into the creepy old age makeup stage of their lives, they can get a cat and reminisce about their lives.

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“Remind me of how we got together? Oh, wait. Don’t.”

Back at the hotel, Rafael and the security guards interrogate Anezka after she tried to sneak away. Rafael asks why she didn’t know the door codes, and Anezka claims the stress about her sister being in the hospital made her flustered. Rafael offers to look through the security tapes while Anezka goes to the hospital, escorted by a Suspicious Security Guard. Suspicious Security Guard carefully watches Anezka as she “comforts” Petra, but gets distracted when he hears the news that Michael’s surgery went well. Anezka pounces and quickly injects Petra with another dose just as Petra was about to regain her strength.

Jane rushes to Michael’s side after his surgery. “Who are you?” he asks. It’s okay, #TeamJaMichael: he was just kidding around. Although really, you shouldn’t joke about amnesia in telenovela-land. We’ve had a baby kidnapping, an evil twin, and an almost dead groom. Amnesia is the next box to be ticked on the list of telenovela tropes.

Speaking of evil twins, Anezka suggests to Rafael that they move Petra into the hotel so they can provide round the clock paralysis shots care. She attempts to kiss Rafael again, but Rafael gently rebuffs her. He tells Anezka that the sex between them felt different—I guess identicial twins aren’t that identical—and there’s no possibility of romance between them. Hurt, Anezka secretly calls Magda and promises to follow through on the plan to destroy Petra and Rafael.

At the hospital, the would be tweeters thank Rogelio for the pee and tell him that they liked him on ChiPs, and Rogelio becomes angry when he realizes that he’s been mistaken for Erik Estrada. He goes on a rant which attracts the attention of Suspicious Security Guard, so they all get into trouble.

The security guards wrap up their investigation at the Marbella and Suspicious Security Guard reports that he found powdered donuts around the crime scene. Rafael realizes that there’s only one person who likes both powdered donuts and committing murder: Rose!

Luisa awakens in a submarine with a rather fake looking underwater view. Rose is there and promises Luisa that they will have a happy ending.

Let’s review:

  • Michael survived his gunshot wound!
  • The police know Sin Rostro/Rose is alive.
  • Anezka wants to ruin both Petra and Rafael
  • Rose is keeping Luisa underwater in a submarine. I will be making “Yellow Submarine” jokes next recap.
  • Xiomara is pregnant but doesn’t want kids.

Do I sense a Very Special Episode About Abortion in our future? Will Xiomara go through with it, or will it be Babies Ever After? And I’m not well versed in gunshot wounds, but how long until Jane and Michael consummate their vows?

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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