Jane the Virgin: Kissing cousins

"I'm proficient in Microsoft, though! Except Excel. No one can do Excel."

Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane reached out to Alba’s side of the family and now her crazy Catalina has showed up on her doorstep, ready for a family reunion? How do we know she’s crazy? Long-lost relatives usually are in telenovela land.
  • Petra is no longer #Petrafied and she is #pissed at Rafael for not noticing that Anezka was impersonating her. Heads are already rolling: Petra dumped Scott and is forcing Rafael out of his own hotel. She knows how to make up for lost time.
  • Xiomara is going for her lifelong fifteen minute dream of opening a dance school!
  • Rogelio landed a part in an American movie that I am 70% sure is a porno.  He had to strike a deal with his telenovela execs to accept the part and hopefully he didn’t sell his soul along with his body.

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

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The Latin Lover Narrator explains growing up, Jane always wanted a sister. This unfulfilled desire may explain why Jane immediately welcomed Cousin Catalina despite the fact that:

A. Jane had only communicated with Cousin Catalina online

B. Cousin Catalina showed up at Jane and Michael’s house, which implies some moderate to heavy Internet stalking

C. People who show up at your house after communicating online for a short amount of time tend to be crazy, murderous, or both.

"Craiglist Killer, Schmeglist's Killer. Welcome stranger!"

“Craiglist Killer, Schmeglist’s Killer. Welcome stranger!”

If Catalina is a Craiglist Killer in the making, she’s a very charming one. She’s well-traveled, spontaneous, and most importantly, is a connection to Jane’s extended family. But as I mentioned, long-lost relatives are rarely a good thing in telenovela land.

But other good things are happening to Jane. Her grad school adviser, Professor Donaldson, recommended Jane for an assistant position at a local romance publishing house. Jane worries that she is not qualified enough for the position, but Catalina convinces her to wing the interview. Everything goes well until the boss asks Jane to help with the computer software (that Jane claims to know) and Jane accidentally deletes a crucial file.

2

“I’m proficient in Excel though! No, I’m not. No one is.”

I’m very proficient in Microsoft Excel though! Okay, I’m not but is anyone?

Catalina advises Jane to get buddy-buddy with the current assistant and it works! The assistant promises to put in a good word for Jane and she gets the job!

Alright, maybe Catalina isn’t one of those evil long lost relatives. Mayyyyyyyybe.

Petra tries to continue her next phase of forcing Rafael out of the Marbella, but Scott slaps with her a sexual harassment lawsuit after she rebuffs another one of his attempts to make up.

And you thought your ex was vindictive.

And you thought your ex was vindictive.

Meanwhile, Catalina meets Jane after work and they run into Rafael at the Marbella. The three go out for drinks, but Jane quickly becomes a third wheel. Rafael and Catalina are crushing hard. Rafael asks Jane for permission to date Catalina and she denies him, pointing out that it’s weird for him to date her cousin when he and Jane have a child together. Rafael sulks and Michael accuses Jane of being jealous.

Um, no. Jane is right: if Catalina or Rafael break up, it will be awkward and complicated because all the adults have to play nice for the sake of Mateo. It’s sisters before misters, after all. Or it is cousins before loving? Let’s just say chicks before dicks.

Speaking of preventing meaningless flings, Xiomara is dismayed to learn that her perfect dance school location is located in the same shopping center as her douche-y ex’s law practice. Rogelio helps her get her mind off the ex by reminding Xiomara of how they met on the school dance team in high school.

Before Step Up and Save the Last Dance, there was Xiomara and Rogelio's So You Think You Can Dance?

Before Step Up and Save the Last Dance, there was So You Think You Can Dance?

The walk down memory lane reminds Xiomara and Rogelio why they fell in love in the first place. On set of his telenovela, Rogelio tries to use the plot of the week–teaming up with President Kennedy to thwart the Cuban Missile Crisis over a breakfast of Honey Bunches of Oats, which is the obligatory product placement Rogelio has to do in exchange for doing the American porno–to help him figure out how to declare his feelings for Xiomara.

Alas, just as his character realizes that he needs to commit to his mission of traveling through time, Rogelio realizes that he wants to commit to his mission of having kids. Rogelio decides to find an egg donor to have a baby with.

Although Alba doesn’t want contact with Evil Aunt Cecilia’s spawn, she agrees to meet Catalina. Dinner goes well until Catalina mentions how Evil Aunt Cecilia was in love with Mateo, Alba’s husband, and was devastated when Alba stole him away.

Alba is outraged and calls Catalina a liar before storming off. “I thought that was the story,” explains Catalina. “That’s what everyone thinks.”

Ah, that explains it. Alba forgot that history isn’t just written by the winners, it’s written by the people who stay behind in Venezuela and repeat their version to all of the relatives.

"So in your world, I'M Evil Aunt Alba?"

“So in your world, I’M Evil Aunt Alba?”

Jane and Michael are still in a tense mood after Michael’s accusation that Jane is too invested in Rafael’s love life. At the happy hour for Jane’s new job, Jane confesses that she is jealous of Catalina but not because of a possible romance with Rafael. Jane admits that she feels boring compared to Catalina and to cheer her up, Michael serenades her with a Bruno Mars song at the bar. And damn: Brett Dier has pipes. I don’t know why Jane was stuck in that love triangle for so long. All she had to do was host a karaoke contest and Michael would have won that fair and square.

On the way home, the two impulsively adopt a stray cat and name it Faith M. Whiskers III, which is the most terrible name for a cat I have ever heard, but I am not a cat person in the first place so I’m not a very good judge. Jane is such in a good mood that she also gives Catalina her blessing to date Rafael and those immediately go off and bone. However, Alba insists to Jane that there is something sinister about Catalina and to be careful around her.

Reluctantly, Petra asks Rafael to team up to fight Scott’s lawsuit in exchange for restoring his shares of the Marbella. Rafael agrees and the two threaten to rain down a storm of legal hellfire down on Scott unless he withdraws the lawsuit. Scott backs off, but privately, Rafael thanks Scott for helping out with his scheme. There was no lawsuit! Rafael told Scott the truth about the Petra/Anezka body switch and Scott pretended to sue so Rafael would have leverage to get back into the Marbella. Scott tells Rafael that he did a huge favor for Rafael and one day plans to collect…

Oh, and the police tell Michael that the verses in Elena’s bible are code for a bank account. But whose?

Let’s review:

  • Xiomara’s new dance school is located in the same area as her ex. They won’t get back together AT ALL
  • Rogelio is going to be a dad! Again! If he can find the right egg donor, that is.
  • Catalina and Rafael are dating, but Alba is convinced she is as evil as Evil Aunt Cecilia. Only time will tell.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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