Jane the Virgin: In the Biblical Sense

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane and Michael are officially engaged and slowly making their way down the altar
  • Rafael is still hurting but he’s focusing on building on a relationship with his half-brother Derek
  • However, the police want him to spy on Derek because they think Derek is connected to Elena/Mutter’s drug plots
  • Petra gave birth to twins, Elsa and Ana (No Frozen jokes! She won’t get them!) and is having trouble adjusting to motherhood
  • Alba’s first love, Bad Luck Pablo is still hanging around town, spreading bad luck wherever he goes
  • Case in point: his presence in Casa Villanueva screwed up the plumbing. Or maybe Pablo just messed up the toilets when he went number two…

The Latin Narrator tells the history of Casa Villanueva as if it was a Biblical tale: Alba married Mateo and begat Xiomara who begat Jane who begat Mateo in that little one-story home. The Villanuevas fixed the house up themselves and said, “Let there be light!” and all that yadda yadda and all was good in the Garden of Villanueva until Pablo walked in and messed up the plumbing. However, God works in mysterious ways: the Villanuevas are staying at the Marbella until the renovations are finished, courtesy of Rafael.

Okay, not so mysterious since it’s no surprise that the rich baby daddy of a Villanueva women is letting them crash on his hotel property.

Xiomara and Alba are impressed with all of amenities but Jane is anxious to get back into the house so the Villanueva-Coredero wedding can take place there. Unfortunately, the repairs will continue on well past the wedding date. Rogelio is delighted because now this means he can throw a huge wedding for his only daughter. Jane puts a pin in his Pinterest plans and insists on a small wedding.

Meanwhile, Jane and Michael go house hunting for the place to start their married lives together. Like every episode of House Hunters, the first house they find is totally crappy and the second house is totally perfect–except it’s 45 minutes away from Miami. It’s their dream home but Jane knows that Rafael would never want his son to live so far away.

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Also, Jane spends way too much time talking to that tacky wall paper.

Michael points out that it can’t hurt to ask Rafael if he’d be okay with Jane moving so far away but like she predicted, Rafael shoots that idea down. As a solution, Rafael offers to help pay for a house in Miami, but Jane refuses to accept his money, which Michael agrees with. “With money, there’s always strings attached, ” says Michael. “Look at your dad and the wedding: he thinks that just because he’s paying for it, he can invite whoever he wants.”

Jane decides to create a new rule for wedding invitation criteria: unless the family has met them, Rogelio cannot invite one of his many celebrity friends.

Wow, such a wonderfully specific rule with absolutely no room for interpretation–not. You know Rogelio is going to exploit that wiggle room.

Speaking of wiggle room, Pablo attempts to invite Alba up to his room after their date. Alba tells Pablo that her “no sex before marriage” rule doesn’t just apply to Jane, but admits that she wants to get to know Pablo.

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*wink*

Pablo solves this issue by proposing to Alba. She immediately accepts and tells the good news to the other Villanueva women. Jane and Xiomara point out that it’s too sudden, but Alba ignores their worries. “At my age, what’s the point of waiting if I know what I want?” she argues.

Soooooo, she’s totally cool with marrying the guy she hasn’t seen in forty years and has accused of being a bad luck charm because she’s old and running out a time but pre-marital sex with the guy is out of the question? Yeah, okay.

Meanwhile, Jane bumps into Petra during a late night at the Marbella and Rafael takes Jane aside and tells her that Petra is having a hard time bonding with the babies. Jane decides to invite Petra to a new mother’s group to help her feel less alone. In group, Petra admits that she’s not sure if she should have had kids in the first place. I kinda agree with that statement–artificially inseminating yourself to trap your ex-husband into staying with you is kinda up there on the “Reasons To Not Have Kids” list.

However, the new moms worry that Petra might be suffering from post-partum depression. Petra balks and insists she’s fine and runs out of mom’s group.

Leaving her babies behind.

Yeah, totally fine here, everyone.

Rogelio brings by Special Guest Star Charo to the Villanueva suite to introduce her to Jane to get around the “only people we’ve met rule” but only Xiomara is in the suite. She attempts to warn Rogelio about going overboard with the wedding planning and offers her help, but Rogelio insists that it’s too soon after their breakup to be friends. But maybe he should have sucked up the heartbreak because after he attempts to introduce Jane to some of his invitees, she declares that she and Michael will pay for the wedding themselves so Rogelio can’t guilt them for extra invites. Rogelio is devastated.

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Especially not wedding cake.

Rafael reluctantly gives his permission for Jane and Michael to move far away but when it comes time to sign the papers, Jane can’t do it. Seeing Mateo walk around in the house makes her realize that they really can’t be far away from Mateo’s dad during the formative years. See, just like House Hunters: there’s always something wrong with the Almost Perfect House that forces them to keep looking.

Even though she denied it in mother’s group, Petra does in fact worry that she has post-partum depression. She visits Magda in prison to see if it runs in the family. “Of course I was depressed!” snaps Magda. “You were depressed. The neighbor who delivered you was depressed.”

As if she hasn’t done enough by being completely unhelpful, Magda adds that Petra should never have been a mother and should give up her daughters.

Personally, I hope Petra doesn’t listen to Magda and tries to be a good mom. Who knows, maybe she’ll have the same bond with her daughters that the Villanueva have with each other. Xiomara and Jane spot Pablo “getting to know” a woman who is not Alba in his hotel room and promptly inform Alba. Chicks before dicks and all that.

Alba is so furious that she yells at Pablo in the middle of the Marbella lobby and tells him to get out of her life and never come back. It’s pretty epic.

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Old Testament God’s got nothing on Alba.

Even though they’re still in a “chicks before dicks” mode, Xiomara decides to put in a good word for Rogelio to Jane. She reminds Jane that Rogelio is just excited about the wedding and asks her to go easy on him. Jane realizes she was harsh and allows Rogelio to rejoin the wedding plans. This time, however, Rogelio consults with Xiomara to get an idea of what Jane would actually like and he comes up with a plan to construct a set of the Villanueva living room so Jane can still have the wedding in the house like she wanted.

Speaking of houses, Jane and Michael’s realtor finds them the perfect place in Miami and within their budget. It’s the third house on the House Hunters search! Jane and Michael think Rafael secretly bought them a house, but they are surprised to see that tons of people are at the open house. Well, not everything works out perfectly in telenovela land.

Except it does. See, even though Jane and Michael had to compete against other bidders before they finally got the house, the house was sold to them by Petra.  It was her final act of kindness before she ran away from Miami.

Derek also tried to leave Miami but Rafael helped him find a job and talked him into staying. Turns out that Rafael has an ulterior for keeping his brother around and no, it’s not about catching up on some bonding time. Rafael is secretly helping the police spy on Derek because he believes Derek does have ties to Mutter but is pretending that he doesn’t think Derek has ties to Mutter to lull him into a false sense of security.

Wow, this is a lot of drama happening in telenovela land.

So let’s review:

  • Jane and Michael found a new place
  • Alba broke up with Bad Luck Pablo
  • Petra abandoned her babies thanks to Magda’s terrible mothering advice
  • Rafael is secretly suspicious of his half-brother’s connection to Mutter

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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