Jane the Virgin: Hitting the Motherlode

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Michael and Jane got back together. Sorry #Team JaFael
  • Petra turned down Rafael’s offer to get back together because she doesn’t want to be a rebound…even though she did try to trap him by artificially inseminating herself with his sperm
  • Since he was 0 for 2, Rafael decided to go back to his bad boy ways. I can’t blame him–the man is about to be the father of three kids but hasn’t had sex in two years.
  • Rogelio got kidnapped by his crazy assistant
  • If he and Xiomara hadn’t called off their engagement, maybe she could have helped.
  • Oh and uh, Alba had sex before she was married and that’s why she was so gung-ho about staying a virgin because she felt guilty that she wasn’t one but now she’s reconnecting with Pablo, the guy she had sex with.

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

So you know how Alba was the one who instilled into Jane that staying a virgin was the most important thing? Well, Alba didn’t just talk the talk, she also walked the metaphorical walk. She used to censor Jane’s romance novels whenever they got to the sex scenes, which annoyed Jane because it threw off the flow of the story.

Man, Jane is lucky Fifty Shades of Grey didn’t come out when she was a teenager. In Alba’s version, Fifty Shades would have been about a nervous college graduate who interviews a creepy CEO and then never sees him again.

Anyway, Jane and Michael are back together in the present and Jane informs him that she has decided to cast off the whole “virgin”. “But that’s the title of the show!” protests Michael. “That’s our whole gimmick!” Plus, he points out Jane was saving herself for after their wedding, which is totally going to be back on now since they’re back together. Jane is excited to hear that marriage is still in her future and decided that since she’s waited this long, she can wait another couple more months.

Michael quickly realizes he made a mistake.

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DJ Kahleed would be ashamed right now.

But at any rate, Jane and Michael are back to where they were in season 1: they’re going on date, planning a wedding, being all cute and lovey dovey. Except for the fact that Jane has a kid and things are awkward with Rafael. When Jane hands off Baby Mateo to Rafael for father-son time, she imagines the life that could have been if she stuck with Michael and avoided the whole love triangle business: Michael and Rafael would have joked around together instead of glaring at each other, there would be no awkward tension in the room…

Nope, I’m sorry Jane. It was always going to be awkward that you got accidentally inseminated with your current boss/former crush’s sperm and we all know it.

Meanwhile, it’s been ten days since Rogelio’s personal assistant revealed herself to be his crazy former prison pen pal and decided to take him hostage. Paola explains that she is hurt that Rogelio stopped writing to her and hopes that by keeping him hostage, he will eventually fall in love with her, just like the plot in one of his old telenovelas.

Once again, the media creates unrealistic depictions of love. I blame “Beauty and the Beast” for romanticizing Stockholm Syndrome.

Even though Michael has a purpose to the plot as Jane’s love interest, the writers are still moving forward with his “Let’s catch Sin Rostro/Mutter/some other drug lord” plot. The latest ass pull development is that Rafael has a secret half-brother named Derek, who may know where Elena is.  Speaking of random developments, Jane thinks Angelique Harper, the romance novelist Jane gave her chapter to way back in season 1, stole Jane’s manuscript for her latest romance novel.

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“Angelique Harper steals idea and puts commas in the wrong place!”

Michael helps Jane outline all the similarities between her manuscript and Angelique’s book and suggests that she try to find proof that she showed other people her book first. Jane gets momentarily embarrassed when Michael sees all the lovey dovey emails she sent to Rafael but her embarrassment turns into surprise when she sees the lovey dovey emails Alba has been exchanging with Pablo, the man whom Alba lost her virginity to. Later, Xiomara spies those emails too and gets pissed when she realizes Alba has been on a hypocritical high horse about abstinence this whole time. The Villanueva women get in a fight in the kitchen and Xiomara storms off, angry that her mother has made her feel guilty about sex for all these years.

Jane goes to comfort Xiomara’s whose bad mood isn’t improved by seeing Rogelio’s tweets about what a great “vacation” he is having. Of course, the tweets are being written by Paola, who has been covering up Rogelio’s disappearance. Rogelio convinces her to send one text to Jane to let her know that he is alright and isn’t mad at her. As Paola types the message, Rogelio convinces her to sign it “Besos to Xiomara”, hoping Xiomara will understand the reference. See, Rogelio used to sign off his texts to Xiomara like that until she found out that he used the same signature when thanking his fans on Twitter. Rogelio hopes that Xiomara will make the connection from “besos” to “crazy fans” but Xiomara thinks that Rogelio doesn’t see her as special anymore.

Meanwhile, Petra is worried about Rafael. He’s disappearing from work, going out with strange women, and drinking again. She calls Jane to ask her to check in on Rafael. Jane confides her worries in Michael, who reluctantly reveals that Rafael has decided to help the police track down Derek after all. Even though this is obviously confidential police information, Michael admits that he doesn’t want Jane running after Rafael and leaving him behind–again. The two realize that things aren’t the way they used to be just because they got back together.

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“This could have been us but you were playing.”

Jane forgets to tell Petra about the “Rafael helping the police thing” so when Petra insists on confronting Rafael, Jane tells her the truth. Petra is annoyed about being left out of the loop and turns her anger onto Angelique Harper. She suggests that they go confront the author at the local book signing. Jane is confused as to why Petra wants to white knight for her all of a sudden. “I’m overdue with twins; I want to yell at someone right now!” explains Petra.

The two women show up at the book signing and as they wait in line, Petra coaches Jane on how to be a tough bitch and confront Angelique. However, just as they approach the table, Petra’s water breaks and they have to immediately rush to the hospital. Jane stays with Petra throughout the labor since Rafael gets stuck in traffic after failing to convince Derek’s ex-girlfriend to cooperate the police. Nevertheless, Petra gives birth to two healthy girls: Anna and Elsa.

“Like in Frozen?” asks Jane. Petra and Rafael don’t understand the reference and genuinely think the names are original.

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God, those twin girls have a lifetime of teasing ahead of them.

And now it’s time to wrap up our other subplots: Xiomara and Alba have a heart to heart and Alba apologizes for shaming Xiomara all these years so Xiomara invites Pablo to visit the Villanueva’s much to Alba’s horror. Jane realizes that the similarities between her book and Angelique’s truly are a coincidence and that whole subplot was a metaphor of her trying to go back to old things, Michael re-proposes to Jane so they can start a new future together, and Rogelio makes an attempt to escape Paola. Unfortunately, he fails and Paola is even more pissed. Say, you ever wonder what would have happened in Beauty and the Beast if Belle never fell in love with the Beast? I think we’re about to find out…

Oh, and Derek–the guy the police have been trying to track down–checks into the Marbella. Indefinitely.

So let’s recap:

  • So this Jane and Michael thing is really happening. Hm. I won’t hold my breathe until the marriage certificate is signed.
  • Rogelio is still being held hostage
  • Rafael is officially the father of three kids! Mazel tov to his resilient sperm!
  • Alba’s first BF Pablo is showing up and she isn’t thrilled. But why not?
  • Derek showed up. Do we care? I personally don’t.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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