This Insane Hearst Castle-Styley Chinois-Philic Hump Pad Is What $250,000 Buys You In Des Moines, Iowa

Do you live in New York, or Boston, or San Francisco, or Los Angeles? Please prepare to hit yourself in the head with a hammer.

Because in Des Moines, Iowa, you could purchase a 3,000-square-foot rancher, which by all appearances was once owned by Liberace’s Chinois-philic maiden aunt, for $250,000.

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Oh, you have no idea what is about to happen.

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This, for one! It is time to sit in your king chair, behind your golden bar, and leer contentedly as your swingles party humps all over the sunken floor.

This Insane Hearst Castle-Styley Chinois-Philic Hump Pad Is What $250,000 Buys You In Des Moines, Iowa

This is your bedroom, that you live in. International art thieves would always be trying to break in and steal the Jewel of Whatever, except that you have tricked them by living in a ranch house in Iowa.

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White for the orgy couches was probably a mistake. Your manservant has a fuck of a time with the jizz.

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See those red chairs? I have that chair. JEALOUS?

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This is your dressing table. You usually end up putting on a lot more eyeshadow than you should, because you look naked next to all the dazzle, and also because you are Liberace’s maiden aunt.

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We have run out of things to say about these pictures. Here, have all the bathrooms!

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Des Moines, be ashamed. Almost 90 days on the market, and no takers?

[Zillow]

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  • sota767

    But what’s the music that’s always playing softly in the background?

  • msanthropesmr

    Wow. So…. Wow. Um. Wow. Perhaps this was a Publisher’s Clearing House House?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    More proof that money can’t buy class or taste. (Although the red chairs are pretty sweet. But that bathroom with the flower paper and 70s green toilet? Gross.)

  • edith prickly

    Edith Prickly approves. Needz moar leopard print though.

    • calliecallie

      It would really pop against all that red carpet.

  • If I owned that house I would drink Singapore Slings all day.

    • msanthropesmr

      Mai Tais

  • HogeyeGrex

    I miss LovelyListing.com

  • george gonzalez

    There was a lady in my neighborhood that had inherited a fortune from her sausage company founding uncle. Her house was only about 80% as gaudy as this one. When she died i went to the estate sale and briefly considered buying the twin life-size tinsel-spangled Barbie statuettes. Decided to not.

  • Buddha Stalin

    What about the Elvis-style TV room? If it doesn’t have one that explains the low price.

  • tomshefchik

    Actually I was shocked at how tasteful Hearst Castle is. He and his lady architect had good, if eclectic, taste. This Des Moines thingy is more like Graceland. Campy.

    • discus_sucks_ass

      more like what it would look like after Graceland had diarrhea

  • Amie Warren

    That is the tackiest thing I have ever seen.

  • SullivanSt

    Pretty sure they filmed an episode of Saving Grace there, one of the weirder episodes

  • discus_sucks_ass

    yeah, but the bottom line is it’s Iowa.

  • zedbot

    Sweet fancy Moses! Trump’s retirement villa.

  • mtn_philosoph

    One of Saddam Hussein’s palaces?250 large is a staggering amount of money to pay for a house, although in this case you appear to get a lot for your money. In a place like Des Moines, or even in the rural Northeast where I live, $250G is mansion+estate territory. I can’t even imagine what the monthly mortgage payment would be for something like that though. Also too, 3,000 sq. ft. is a rather daunting amount of structure to have to maintain.