We Humbly Regret Our Failure To Provide Adequate Sideboob In 2013
We’re making our New Year’s resolutions over here at Happy, and we realize we’ve really failed you on something: there was just not enough sideboob action in 2013. Our solemn vow to you is that in 2014, we will do more to bring you all the sideboob you’ve ever dreamed of. Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no river wide enough, to keep us from sideboob. Because we fell down on the job this year, we’ve really only got a few outstanding acts of sideboob to reminisce about. Forgive us, for we have sideboob sinned.
Perhaps the most quintessential moment of sideboob came this year came from one of the most reliable practitioners of sideboob behavior. Yes, we’re talking Sydney Leathers. Ms. Leathers, famous only for having really bad sexts with some former congressdick whose name we have already forgotten, became the face of one of those sugardaddy/sugarbaby websites, but that was not really enough attention for her, so she decided to auction off part of her labia post labioplasty. We wondered at the time how she would preserve her skin flap, and it looks like Vice is going to thrill us all with the sexclusive story of the auction, but has already revealed that she encased her excess labia bits in Lucite. Classy.
Tila Tequila, who is another person who is famous for no good reason whatsoever, also graced our pages this year because she thought she’d share her newfound love for Hitler, her hatred of GMOs, and her fear of the Illuminati. At least we think that’s what she was going on about. It was kinda tough to follow, and by “tough” we mean a complete wordsplosion of Palinian proportions.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian provided the world with an endless parade of sideboob, even though we’ve nicely asked them to stop. They reached their sideboob pinnacle this year when Kanye complained about how Kim wasn’t on the cover of Vogue and Michelle Obama couldn’t take butt selfies like Kim could. We don’t really think that FLOTUS aspires to butt selfies, but we could be mistaken.
That’s all we have, people, but we will be on the sideboob beat like a fucking bawse in the new year. You’ve been warned.