House Of Cards Spoiler Parade Recap: Frank Throws Like A Girl

We’re almost to the halfway point of “House of Cards,” and there is no reason on earth you shouldn’t be there with us. You’ve now had four days to watch, and any self-respecting American can stay on their couch long enough to watch a few episodes per day. From here on out, spoilers all the way down, and previous spoiler posts are here.

Most unnecessary appearance by children

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Rachel has found Jesus and is reading stories at a Sunday school. Look, we realize that Rachel, for plot purposes, has to begin to feel connected to something so that Stamper can crush it for no reason, but did it really have to be Jesus? And did it really have to involve children? We watch shows like this precisely because there are no children involved.

Frank Underwood is bad at sportsball

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Frank is practicing his pitching, as he has to throw out the first ball at an upcoming Baltimore Orioles sportsball game. Problem is, Frank cannot throw a baseball to save his life, so we get to see him flailing about in his backyard valiantly trying to get tolerable at it so he won’t embarrass himself on national television.

Most startlingly rapid disintegration

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Lucas Goodwin has only been in prison a few episodes, but man, dude looks ROUGH. Has he been all secret agent infected with something to kill him? That’s really the only explanation we can think of for the sweaty glassy-eyed mess he is by the end of this episode. Somebody give the man a cool cloth for his forehead.

Buck up, little camper. Only seven more episodes to go!

TV Show: House of Cards

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