House Of Cards Spoiler Parade Recap: Suck It, Network TV

Episode five of “House of Cards” is where our eyes started getting gritty, our brains a little mushy, our typing a little punch drunk. (Oh, all right, real drunk too. Stop nagging us.). You know everything from here on out is spoiler-y.

All our other recap type things are conveniently located here, because that is how we do.

Quickest reminder you’re not watching network teevee

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Opening your episode with a previously unseen character with a plastic bag over his head, tied to the wall, suffocating while getting sucked off by a dude AND a lady. Try that, ABC. Too bad, so sad, network teevee. You have standards and practices and rules, but Netflix can go buck wild and show you an inexplicable breath play opener.

Thing our viewing companion totally didn’t believe was real

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That there was a Civil War battle at a place called Spotsylvania. This may be because every time Frank Underwood refers to his visit to the three-day (!) Civil War re-enactment camping fun time thing, he does so with such disdain that the name sounds impossibly unreal, but there really was an 1864 battle there and there really is still a Spotsylvania County in Virginia. This episode flags so hard every time you have to watch this re-enactment jamboree.

Most complicated political back channel meeting ever

Did the Civil War re-enactment thing pay for product placement, because christ they work it in to a lot of parts of this episode. Frank wants to meet with Chinese billionaire Xander Feng, he of the erotic asphyxiation delights, but needs to do it on the down low, so they meet in the woods outside Ye Olde Re-enactment Camp in the dead of night.

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Surely a titan of industry and the second-in-command of the free world could find a less rustic place to meet. Let’s all pray this Civil War thing doesn’t have a starring role in the rest of the episodes.

TV Show: House of Cards

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