House Of Cards Spoiler Parade Recap: We'd Kill For This Closet

We spent our weekend huddled over the teevee, disheveled ragamuffins basking in the soothing glow of Robin Wright’s flawless face and Kevin Spacey’s heartless drawl, so that we could bring you these brief shining moments of spoilers from each episode of “House of Cards.” All of our previous recaplets are here, and of course everything after the jump is spoilerrific.

Thing we’re most envious of

The gorgeous organized perfection of Claire’s closet.

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Seriously, look at that thing. No real living breathing person has a closet that looks like that. Closets are a mish-mash of those horrible tangly wire hangers you get from the dry cleaner and sweaters that have fallen down over your pants flung carelessly over a hanger and left there to wrinkle. How many servants do you think it requires to just maintain a closet like this?

Moment where we were most certain things would go horribly awry

When hacker Gavin Osray, who always seems slightly on the wrong side of unbalanced anyway, nuzzles his whatever the hell furry animal this thing is.

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You can’t help but feel like he’s going to chew the things face off or make out with it or something that will just weird you out. Dude, get a dog like a normal person.

Most obvious proof that Claire Underwood prefers her revenge served cold.

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In her first big teevee interview as First Veep Lady? Second Lady? whatever it is called, Claire reveals that she had an abortion because a now-General, Dalton McGinnis, raped her during college. Frank had the chance to punch the living shit out of the guy last episode, but Claire calmed him down, and you knew full well that she was going to channel her hate into something much, much tougher than a beatdown. We remain convinced that Claire’s calculating nature meets or exceeds Frank’s any day.

Four down, 9 to go!

TV Show: House of Cards

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  • Homestar

    Claire is much more manipulative. Look at the job she’s done on Frank, who should really be a gay man singing with a barbershop quartet somewhere. At least that’s my takeaway from the awesome episode in season 1 where he’s honored by his alma mater.

    • Yeah. At least Frank gets mad about things, which is a flash of humanity. Claire just…calculates.

  • Señor Skwerl

    “No real living breathing person has a closet that looks like that” – Lisa, you need to visit StyleForum when clothing obsessed men post pictures or their closets while trying to dress like Steve McQueen.I need to get caught up on HOC. Might need to do a mini marathon tonight.

    • ohemgee I used to follow Style Forum (and buy stuff off there) regularly but I couldn’t get over the one million pictures of dudes rocking slim cut pants that cost $500 so I bailed.

      • Annie Towne

        I knew a woman whose closet looked like this. She was insane.

  • Pretty sure the furry thing is a trible.

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