Hot New Conservative Teevee Talk Show Thing Will Fill Your Life With Laughter As You Mock It Relentlessly

Have you been wandering alone in the liebrul wilderness that is comedy on teevee, America? Stuck with your Stephen Colberts and your Jon Stewarts ramming their liberal agendas down your throat, because that is the weird thing you say every time someone says something you don’t like and what the fuck with the throat-ramming analogy anyway? Well, time to thank your lucky stars because some rando dude who writes for some third-tier network television comedy shows is here to show you how to do comedy all conservative-styley. Rejoice!

Michael Loftus, who is totally Dave Chappelle, cocaine-using-era Robin Williams, 1960s Bob Newhart, and Chris Rock all rolled into one, BOOYA, is hosting some new horrorshow called “The Flipside” for all you conservatives that feel left out of pop culture because it doesn’t spend enough time bashing the poors and the gays.

There’s a hard-hitting bro-sounding musical intro courtesy of the Foo Fighters’ “Monkey Wrench.” We’d like to think that the Foos licensed this song to these comedic geniuses as a sly joke of their own, given that the Foo Fighters are notorious Obama-lovin’ liberals.

There’s some dudes, one of whom is the superstar writer Loftus, sporting writing credits such as “Outsourced,” “The George Lopez Show,” and some show on TruTV, which is like HBO for the wacky legal news set, which we all know is a HUGE segment of American comedy.

Screen-Shot-2013-11-16-at-3.58.49-PM

There’s another dude, Jason Mattera, who rocks the outdated spiky hair and unattractive button-down that usually characterizes a Christian teen youth group leader.

Mattera-publicity-photo

The first time through the trailer we thought he was the same guy as Loftus, because all those dudes look alike.

There’s also Larry Elder, who we will bet dollars to doughnuts, whatever that means, is there to shill his books.

Finally, there’s a set with many hubcaps and old signs and other assorted faux-castoff items that make it look like they filmed the thing inside an Applebee’s.

l

With that heavy-hitting lineup of talent, the show is sure to be funny. HAHA of course it is not funny. We set out to watch the entire 30-minute premiere, but it was like the Bataan Death March of unfunny, and we had to give up. We did make it through the five-minute trailer, though, which is probably more than you’ll manage.

This is “comedy” for the perpetually aggrieved. A complete liveblog of the trailer:

Los Angeles cries out for Michael Loftus’ unique brand of conservohumor, but only in secret, because they are afraid of the mainstream media. Because of this, we need a multiplicity of voices in comedy so that the consumer can choose. Ummm, guys? You keep trying those conservative comedy shows, and no one watches them. Free market, bitches. FREE MARKET. Har har, Harrison Ford wears his wife’s earrings because Harrison Ford is like a wussy lady liberal. Liberals are rich kids that hang out in Occupy tents with iPads. Liberals are all poor stupid people that cannot afford car insurance. Liberals drink frou frou fancy coffee drinks and talk like a weird cross of gay, valley, and surfer. The government is the problem.

See? Your sides are probably literally splitting with laughter, spilling blood all over the floor as you beg for comedy mercy. Don’t just give these guys a show. Give them ALL the shows!

Seriously, right-wing comedy people, when will you learn that it is just not funny when you punch down? Having a bunch of not-poor guys sit around and mock the poor for the awesome funniness of being poor does not make for incisive comedy. An utter lack of humility or self-reflection does not make for funny.

Let’s make a pact to never speak of this thing again until it slips beneath a tide of bad ratings approximately six weeks in, at which point we will pour one out for the repeated death of conservative comedy.

[Uproxx]

You may also like...

  • freemdoom

    :57 robot dancing for the audience full of old grey haired white guys! This show is gonna be hip!

    • GlazedHaim

      Can you imagine the stink in the studio? It probably reeks like mothballs having sex.

  • Lizzietish81

    My that spiky haired young man looks….sensitive. Also Applebees reference!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4sOfO8Ei1g

  • La Cieca

    Oh, come on, that photo is not of anyone actually named “Jason Mattera.” Obviously this is a stock photo tagged “#douche.”

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • Come here a minute

    They can’t help punching down, because they think they are the kings of the fucking universe.

  • zb77

    Everyone knows that Hollywood has secretly oppressed conservacomics by creating a frame of reference for humor rendering most of their material “obsolete,” “simply unfunny,” or “brazenly offensive to anyone with a functioning temporal lobe.”

  • Estproph

    Where is this crap supposed to be again? I need to delete the channel.

  • Writer A Writerstein

    It isn’t just conservatives who can’t be funny. I’d say H.L.Mencken and P.J. O’Rourke in his prime were funny as hell. It’s authoritarians who aren’t fucking funny on purpose, ever.The essence of funny is the willingness to transgress against boundaries, producing a shock, and maybe expanding horizons by getting the audience to see familiar things in a new way. Does that sound like the perfect opposite of the way authoritarians think? Good. Because it is. This is the same reason LWAs such as Joan Baez and Janeane Garofolo couldn’t be funny to save their fucking babies from wolves. They have boundaries that must never be crossed, and so every thought that might lead to heresy – blasphemy and sex for RWAs, rape jokes and racism for LWAs – must be clipped before it goes anywhere.Authoritarians are highly conventional, uncreative clods. Great soldier material, if you’re looking for cannon fodder, notso hotso for the arts.Sorry for getting all grad-school in analyzing these people, but I find authoritarian self-delusion fascinating, and I’ve spent quite a bit of time brooding over what’s wrong with them.As for this show – fuck it. It barely rates the electrons it takes to animate a GIF of Hitler fucking a donkey in the background of Chaz, or Chad, or Chuck, or whatever the fuck that loose-tie youth pastor is named.

    • CripesAmighty

      Somebody’s been reading their Altemeyer–not a ding–Guy makes social science data a fascinating read. No mean feat. Explains what sort of stunted, stilted people find this shit ‘funny as a crutch, Ralph’.

  • Caepan

    Six weeks? Even FOX will dump a show in a week or two if it don’t make money pronto.These douchebags will have to resort to some third-tier version of YouTube to keep their little show going. Meanwhile, they will whine incessantly about how “the librul ee-leet” are keeping their little gem of a turd away from the public.

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • $160578
  • JParkerSD46

    I just had to watch the trailer in order to ease myself into any of the side-splittingness of hi-larious hi-jinx that a full 1/2 hour might entail. Sad to say, I’ll never be able to handle that much insightful satire and good-natured ribbing. Five minutes was it. I won’t endanger myself. I did note that pretty much everyone in the audience appeared to have been bussed in from nearby retirement homes, probably on the promise that if they laughed hysterically on the stage manager’s command, they would be rewarded with a lovely meal at the Applebee’s or Olive Garden of their choice.

  • SJLAW

    Usually a clip shows the funniest bits from the show–that can’t be all the funny right? I mean the guys in production really screwed the pooch or did their jobs just fine, I’m not sure which. Anyways this shit is horrible.

  • ejcsanfran

    The late-80’s-MTV-style production values are sure to be a hit with kids these days!

    • These guys only wish they were as edgy and popular as Just Say Julie.

      • Arcturus

        “ba Ba BAAAA, yeah!”

  • Broken_Finger

    Oh man! These guys are really throwing a “monkey wrench” into the liebrul elite media system by offering the other side that everyone is hungry for, THE FLIPSIDE! AWESOME! (jesus, just kill me now please)

  • wangamuffin

    Didn’t they already give this a shot on Fox only to discover that hatred and fear just aren’t funny?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    3 minutes and that was just because I left it playing while i scrolled down to read the rest of the article. Face it Flipside, you suck at this…

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    Watch out Glenn Beck! The yutes are stealing your comedic bacon.

  • We’d like to think that the Foos licensed this song to these comedic geniuses

    We know how important it is to free-market-lovin’ Republicans to get permission before using someone’s music.

    • Arcturus

      Knowing how they feel about intellectuals, they probably don’t believe in “intellectual property.” “Hey that’s just makin’ stuff up, it’s not like buildin’ a tractor or sumthin.”

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    I watched until he hectored us about “capitalism made your lifestyle”. Then I thought of how the government created the internet, microchips, interstate highways, educational system, GPS …

    • Because capitalism is founded on the idea of not paying taxes, or somethin’.

      • Deleted

        This post was deleted.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Alex, I’ll take straw man arguments for $100

  • Ellis_Weiner

    They’ll do what all conservative “humorists” do, what the dependably unfunny (but smug!) Greg Gutfield does on Red Eye, what all the PJ O’Rourke wannabees do: invoke their house stereotypes of “liberals” and then make fun of them. It’s not only like shooting fish in a barrel, it’s like shooting fish that are already dead, and waiting for applause at what a great shot you are. Colbert and Stewart make fun of the things actual people actually do and say. These talent-challenged nitwits will, for the few weeks they’re on the air, begin every punch line with, “Don’t you love it how liberals…” and “The thing with liberals is…” and then snicker as though they’ve made a telling point. Plus: Jason Mattera? Really? What, was Julia Gorin not available?

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    Conservative lack any sense of irony so humor is a huge challenge for them.

  • wangamuffin

    I got through 15 minutes of it. They’ve mistaken smugness for humor, which is exactly what you would expect.

  • LarryHoudini

    No conservative funnymen? UM, DENNIS MILLER MUCH?? Ha, ha, right everybody? Right??!!Hello?

    • (((JustPixelz)))

      don’t forget Dick Cheney’s dry “Obama made mistakes in the Middle East” wit.

    • mattand

      What’s the over-under on Miller appearing on this within the next two weeks?

    • Arcturus

      Is this thing on?

  • AnOuthouse

    That was so funny milk came out my nose.Really, I was throwing up a little in my mouth and it came out my nose instead.

  • There’s also some Pearl Jam around 1 minute in. I’m sure Eddie Vedder and the boys will be thrilled to find out who is appropriating their music!

  • notanncoulter

    how long until the esteemed ms victoria jackson makes an appearance?will that then be the “jump the actually a cow” moment?

  • CriticalDragon1177

    I wonder how long this new show will last.

  • jsdc007

    The words “hot,” “new,” and “conservative” don’t belong in a sentence together, let along a single phrase.

    • Arcturus

      The conservative man bought his wife a new stove for Christmas and it gets very hot when she cooks him dinner. Booyah.

  • $16702613

    So much to digest … and then barf up. The theme music sounds exactly Jon Stewart’s. It’s like they mounted the trailer camera on a gyroscope–it’s that edgy. The joke about 50 liberals living in a tent next to Starbucks? I’ve never seen even one person living in a tent next to Starbucks, but I get it … Occupy+Starbucks=everythingwehate.net. But what’s funny is, I’m liberal and I never go to Starbucks, but my sister and her husband, both conservatives, go there just about every day and give Starbucks gift cards at Christmas. Can someone please explain that to me? I. Just. DON’T. G-E-T. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Get it? I just incorporated some teabagger blog commenting tropes into my critique of teabagger humor–give me a TV show!).

  • Conservatives have a long and storied history of using songs without asking for permission, I’m going to guess this falls into that category.Also, this is your promo? These terribly unfunny jokes and obviously canned laughter is you trying to get people to WATCH this? Good job guys, this will be another big success in the “right wing comedy” category that’s given us such notable gems as… uhh… nothing?

  • David Kasunick

    I got to about three minutes. Wholly unfunny. “I’m-ahhhhh-a-comedy-ahhhhhh-writer” sums it up nicely. Again, they miss the point entirely. Colbert and Stewart are comedians first, satirists second. If your whole concept is “Conservative humor” (or even liberal humor) rather than “humor”, you’re doomed from the outset.

  • mattand

    Watch from approximately 1:45 to 2:20 for a classic example of why conservative humor always fails to break outside of the conservative bubble.Painful…

    • Deleted

      This post was deleted.

  • $73376667

    What, they couldn’t get the license for a 10-minute loop of “THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST?”

  • Ernest Lamonica

    Charlie Pierce sent me. Do I get a “special” greeting?

    • rebecca

      HI.

      • Ernest Lamonica

        I knew you were so sweet. Thanks.

  • Tony Prost

    why am I not laughing?

  • Fed up Fed

    Oh, wow. This whole thing gives me all the sads. Also, too, government is responsible for televisions. Also, too, pretty much every major technological advance for the past 100 years. All government.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    “Conservahumor” proving everyday that sarcasm requires a hint of empathy.

  • Jared James

    I give it an 8; it was dull and lacked anything resembling a beat, which I hope is what they were going for, but I would rather enjoy some cunnilingus with a gonorrheic porcupine before I ever see that dude’s smug yet vacant-eyed face again.

  • GlazedHaim

    Out of Control was a fucking hilarious show and it’s about time someone used the set again.

  • Guest
  • IowaDave

    At least they didn’t ruin it by putting all the funny parts in the trailer.

  • aprilglaspie

    Providing new examples of lameness. What conservobots do best. Those two morons know that Boehner said “Jobs, jobs, jobs” before preventing votes on four sifferent bills that would have created jobs without a doubt, while voting to can Obamacare 46 times. Stupid + not funny = consvervocomedians. lame as hell, fellas. A person with a working brain would have to smoke about $100 worth of realy good pot to find anything either one of those dumbasses said even mildly humorous.

  • Duckler

    Add here I thought that conservatives hated abortions..

  • hellslittlestangel

    Stupid TV. BE MORE FUNNY!

  • AndrewMilner

    Finally, there’s a set with many hubcaps and old signs and other assorted faux-castoff items that make it look like they filmed the thing inside an Applebee’s.“Street signs indoors!?!? Now I’ve seen everything!” — Marge Simpson

  • HyperSpiral

    Conservative comedy is basically this quote from 1984, “There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy.”Except, now that I think about it, the second part of that quote is probably unnecessary.

  • katz

    The out-of-sync laughter is what really gets me. There isn’t a single joke that’s actually followed by real live laughter, mostly because there isn’t a single joke, period–just a series of smugly stated opinions.

  • ksimms

    The things that bug me are the easily checked “facts” spewed out by the like of Elder when he said currently half of all income is taken in taxes. WRONG. It’s more like 25%, and has it has been give or take a few percentage points since the late 1960s, and not far of from the late 1940s. Also, way to compare it to the 7% of the turn of the century 1900 before the 16th Amendment was even passed or ratified (1909 and 1913). I wonder if Larry Elder would like to go back to 1900, as a black man that is. Because things were so great then.

    • katz

      And the dogmatically-stated generalizations, like “The government can’t create anything.” Guess I’ll cancel my trip to Mount Rushmore, then.

      • Buffalo Rude

        That’s probably wise because the government never created it, because they can’t, because that’s what Rush Limbaugh told me.

  • Oarboar

    “Video not found or access denied.” At least it didn’t take very long before it was put out of our misery.