Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Talking brunette Ken doll Rick Perry said something great the other day: “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” To put his remarks in context, context does not matter when you say a thing like this. But it occurs to me that maybe Rick Perry is just confused and going through a phase, and needs the light of Happy Nice Time People to show him The Way. Therefore, I’ve put together a quick primer for Rick Perry on how the glorious pageant that is homosexuality is actually very different from the tragic disease that is alcoholism.

Let’s note here than when I talk shit about alcoholism, I am not talking shit about the alcoholic. The alcoholic suffers from a disease, and I am not in the habit of blaming people for their own diseases (as an agoraphobic depressive panicky person, I’d be up shit creek without a Xanax if I thought my brain problems were somehow my own fault. They aren’t. They just happen and I deal with ’em as best I can.)

Anyway, here is a thing for Rick Perry to read, and I guess you guys can read it and share it amongst yourselves as well, if you like. These are reasons in which homosexuality is definitely not the same thing as alcoholism.

1. Homosexuality is good, whereas alcoholism is bad.

Being gay is great! Or at least I’d guess that it’s great; I’m hotnicesmartpersonsexual, which means I only fuck hot, nice, smart people (gender does not matter here so long as you are hot and nice and smart) so I can’t pretend to identify as gay. Alcoholism, on the other hand, is shitty and awful for the alcoholic himself and for the people around him or her. It is not a moral failing; it is a genetic disorder that can be managed but not cured. Homosexuality does not need to be cured, because homosexuality is wonderful.

2. Homosexuality creates families; alcoholism tears them apart.

Because they are sometimes rejected by their family of origin, queer folks often have to create a family of choice. This can mean looking after an ailing neighbor, shacking up with a dear friend, even adopting a child in need. Homosexuality creates new families, not always out of blood relation but out of love. That’s a beautiful thing. Alcoholism can cause a rift in families and friendships. It fucks people up. It destroys some of the artists and leaders we most admire. It wrecks lives. That’s a terrible thing.

3. Homosexuality is fun; alcoholism sucks.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? It is many things — inspirational, disturbing, lifesaving, comforting, boring — but it is not what I would call “fun.” Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? It is perfect and amazing and exactly what I would call “fun.” When gay people are actually given the freedom to be their true selves, they take it to the limit of what the known world calls “joy” and then push it even beyond said limit into the stratosphere of amazingness. Alcoholics drink too much and say stupid, mean shit and make bad choices. Getting sober is one of the most difficult things I can possibly imagine, and my admiration for recovering alcoholics is immense. But they’re overcoming their alcoholism, which I will again remind you is a bad thing (alcoholism, not recovery.) Gays don’t need to overcome shit, except the soft prejudice of people like Rick Perry (and the hard prejudice of much of the world). Also, have you ever had gay sex? It’s so much fun, perhaps even more enjoyable than relying on alcohol as a crutch to get through life! Given the opportunity to eat sex box or do a shot of tequila, I’d pick the box every time (except on Cinco de Mayo, the Lord’s Day.)

Well, anyway, that’s probably all the time Rick Perry has to read loving angerblogs about geigh secks, so I’ll stop soon. My point is this: when we compare a disease to something that is not a disease, we make some people think a not-disease is a disease. And that is a bad idea.

Recovery from alcoholism is a difficult and admirable thing. It’s ugly to watch sometimes, and wonderful to watch at other times. I imagine it’s very difficult and doesn’t feel particularly amazing, especially at first.

Recovery from homosexuality is impossible, because homosexuality is wonderful and should be encouraged rather than “cured.” That’s right; I said homosexuality should be encouraged. Put that in your near-beer and guzzle it down, Rick Perry.

Drink it the fuck up.

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  • BMW

    Now someone needs to explain the difference between Rick Perry and a bag of hammers.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      A bag of hammers has utility?

      • Rick Hill

        I was going to go with “useful tool.”

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          while lil Ricky may not be especially useful, he is quite the tool

      • Crank Tango

        Yeah! You ever try killing someone by swinging a Rick Perry at them?

        • Ton_Chrysoprase

          Is that some weird new euphemism for executing black guys?

    • chicken thief

      A bag of hammers would remember all three of the federal agencies it was vowing to shut down?

    • peteywheats

      A bag of hammers does not have tons of gay urges that are suppressed with alcohol and drugs?

  • chicken thief

    What Perry meant was that he controls his urges to drink. However, he does not bother to control his urges to engage in the buttsecks and stuff.

  • $73376667

    What about the Editrix’s media empire, which promotes both in equal measure?

  • I keep seeing people write: “Rick Perry thinks…”So, obviously, the glasses are working.(Yes I did c/p this from my Tweet. Thug Life!)

  • geoffalnutt

    I got some homosechual at the liquor store. I keep it in the garage. I only uses it wen ma wife’s at work. Wonder if she can smell it on ma breath.

  • chazmanr

    One day at a time, Rick, one day at a time.

  • There’s no Mothers Against Gay Driving.

    • glasspusher

      That’s beautiful.

  • elpinche

    Rick is going out with a bang. He’s going to retire with all that money he made from useless toll roads in Austin. I hope all his hair falls out.

    • liberaltraitors

      Not with all that hairspray. Rick squats to pee, too.

  • Force Crater

    Rick Perry – idiot or proctologist? You decide! Goddamn it, Rick! Take off those stupid fucking glasses and go the hell away! I have more chance of getting the Republican nomination in ’16 than you do. Besides you started politics as a poor but principled Democrat and now you can retire a rich and corrupted Republican. You have lived your American dream. Now, leave the rest of us alone and go away!

    • liberaltraitors

      Yes, indeed. He is a statist left-winger at heart.

  • Haribo Lector

    I think he was saying that gay dudes are just naturally attracted to dudes but can choose not to do sex with dudes, which is technically correct but misses the point that there’s nothing wrong with doing sex with dudes if you and said dudes are down with it. His implication is that gay dudes SHOULD choose not to do sex with dudes.

  • Heterosexual people have a genetic predisposition to have sex with people of the opposite gender, but heterosexuals can choose not to have sex. So by Rick Perry’s logic, heterosexuality is a genetic disease just like alcoholism.

  • James McCarty Yeager

    i know i am 1000 times happier in an AA meeting than i was when i was drinking. so alcoholics in recovery are a good population to compare with gay people, cuz recovery times is good times jest like gay times is good times. pre-recovery alcoholics, not so much…

  • Plutus

    In Rick Perry land, is there such thing as a functioning homosexual? Can you overindulge to the point where you get blackout gay?Personally, I’m not alcoholic gay, just wine with dinner ogle men’s asses gay.

  • draNgNon

    “””I’m hotnicesmartpersonsexual, which means I only fuck hot, nice, smart people (gender does not matter here so long as you are hot and nice and smart)”””reading that made my week.

  • liberaltraitors

    “(as an agoraphobic depressive panicky person, I’d be up shit creek without a Xanax if I thought my brain problems were somehow my own fault. They aren’t. They just happen and I deal with ‘em as best I can.)”All you statist puppets are ingesting some form of narcotic, and have mental issues out the butt. You loonies never fail to make me laugh … at you.