I Am High. I Have $5. Should I Watch ‘White House Down’ on Pay-Per-View?

Are you high? Do you have $5? If you do not have $5, do you plan on having $5 by the time your cable bill comes due? Do you like Jamie Foxx and Channing Tatum and also are high? The short answer is you still should not watch White House Down on pay-per-view. The long answer is FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR EYEBALLS AND YOUR BRAIN AND COMMON DECENCY AND THE CHILDREN FOR FUCK’S SAKE DO NOT WATCH WHITE HOUSE DOWN ON PAY-PER-VIEW.

Now that we have agreed you will not be watching White House Down on pay-per-view, I will tell you all the things that “happen” in this “movie.” For the first five hours of White House Down, we meet the president (Jamie Foxx, playing “naive idiot”) and Maggie Gyllenahaal, who of course is not an aide, SEXIST GENDER-ASSUMERER, she is like real high up in the Secret Service, and Channing Tatum (mmmmm, Channing Tatum), who is like a Capitol policeman what wants to be a Secret Service agent and he just learned the word blog and the movie came out THIS YEAR and he is like THIRTY YEARS OLD.

I Am High. I Have $5. Should I Watch 'White House Down' on Pay-Per-View?

Still nope.

Also there are a whole bunch of old white guys who cares. Who cares? You should care! Because every single one of them will turn out to be in cahoots to coup the country and blow up the Capitol rotunda and do other VERY BAD THINGS.

Here is how insulting White House Down is to your intelligence, even as someone who is high: the president’s “controversial” Iranian peace plan that withdraws ALL AMERICAN TROOPS across THE ENTIRE MIDDLE EAST. My, that would be controversial.

OK finally the terrorism’s gonna start (yay! so bored!) as these plumbers or something come in to the White House, like shifty fake plumbers. Or movie theater fixers, whatever, we guess they told us that, what are obviously Ukrainian Aryans or American Aryans or some kind of Aryans.

Also, this is a White House where tours just get to mill about wherever they want and grade school girls can just “go downstairs” unaccompanied, wherever they might choose to roam. That, friends, is a poorly run White House, IMPEACH.

Oh, but not only will the treaty with Iran withdraw all US troops from all the Middle East, it will also expose the collusion between the defense companies and radical regimes to keep the endless cycle of war and profit. Once the treaty is signed, President Jamie Foxx’s Iranian counterpart will expose all the evidence, and there will be no more war forever. Hmmm, that should go over well.

Then the bad guys blow up the Capitol rotunda, that’s fucked up you shouldn’t blow up the rotunda.

Oh, that made it look really exciting right? Well it is NOT EXCITING.

The bad guys shoot everyone, because it was way too easy for a bunch of dudes to take over the White House. Also, you know they are bad because they shoot a painting of George Washington 🙁

So, everything about this movie is terrible, like just everything. It is shockingly bad, unbearably bad, and not in a hilarious way that you will like because you are high. It is slow. And boring. And stupid and dumb. You will not be glad you saw it. Even in the last frame, it’s so badly made that the people by the reflecting pond on the Mall are all like made out of plasticine and don’t move as the helicopters CGI over them, and also Channing Tatum’s daughter (BECAUSE HE TOOK HER TO THE WHITE HOUSE WITH HIM FOR HIS INTERVIEW, AS YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS “PROFESSIONAL”) is described as the “beautiful hero of the day,” that is just Marysue terribleness, everything is awful and I think they were trying for a Guarding Tess homage at the end with the security detail, and BITCH keep Guarding Tess‘s name out your mouth!

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  • Farb

    Is the music over the credits any good?

    • rebecca

      No.

  • ShreditorsDesk

    When will it be a rerun on FX? Maybe then I’ll watch it….unless there’s a StarTrek marathon on Syfy.

  • txb23

    “From Roland Emmerich … director of Independence Day … The Day After Tomorrow … 2012 … “Sorry, NOT a way to advertise a movie. Those were three of the worst pieces of shit ever made. We’re talking ALL-TIME bad, especially 2012, which was so laughably bad that I actually laughed at it (which I don’t even do with most comedies, which is kind of the point of comedies, but most of them suck, so, not so much). What I’m trying to say is, maybe this Roland Emmerich person should try directing comedies, because he’s more than halfway there already.

    • rebecca

      I love Independence Day unironically.

  • shauniter

    this “movie” was sooooo bad. so so so bad. it was sad bad.

  • Ambignostic

    You see, even when we are high we can exercise sound cultural judgment. LEGALIZE.

  • I am going to respectfully disagree – that movie was so terrible it was awesome in its terribleness. THE CHILD WAVED A GODDAMN AMERICAN FLAG AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. How much more terribly awesome could you get? I still get giddy thinking about it.

  • NDeeeZ

    OTOH, they blew up a completely non-functional, can’t-get-anything-done Congress, so they’ve got that going for them.