Hey youngs, maybe you should not throw a giant party at that apartment you rented on Airbnb

First in an occasional series of how to do and not-do on Airbnb.

Hey youngs! Are you young, and either living at home or in a shitbox? Do you want to throw a swanky dress-up party, like the olds do, but minus “preparing food and stuff”? Maybe you should not throw that party at someone’s nice loft you’ve rented on Airbnb.

See there, in the listing, where it says in capital letters NO PARTIES OR EVENTS? That is because they do not want you to throw parties or events in their loft, which they are renting to you on the assumption that you are just gonna sleep in it, maybe shoot some heroin, but definitely not throw a party or event with 70 of your closest friends plus some people to whom you charged $20 admittance.

Just such a thing happened to our lovely young neighbor, a bright and charming 25-year-old working actress. In fact, it kept happening to her! The first time, she knowingly rented her loft out for a party. The beautiful blonde Russian whose birthday it was had lied to her : ( and told her she was a professional turning 36, and wanted to have some cocktails for her professional friends, along with passed hors d’oeuvres. But she was not turning 36, and the passed hors d’oeuvres consisted of “fat beats” served up at 9000 decibels so that our walls literally shook until 4 a.m.

When we moseyed over at 6:30 a.m. to knock on the door and politely ask them to maybe stop having their party, because people lived there and it had been going on an awfully long time, the beautiful young Russian explained that she was the real victim, because she had rented the place out fair and square in this here residential building, so how could there be any kind of noise restriction or regulation at all?

I mean, what is capitalism even coming to???

Then our nice young neighbor got in SUCH bad trouble with the landlord (not by us, #notasnitch) that none of us were allowed to have any parties any more without prior permission, which we found out three hours before our own birthday party was to start, when the building manager, Nelson, who is a very very nice man, was like “oh beeteedubs you can’t have your party tonight because there is a new policy as of yesterday which we have not yet announced and that new policy is that no parties unless you ask the office first, and it is Saturday and the office is closed.” But he said it like in Spanish.

“No,” we explained.

Anyway, the very next week, which was coincidentally this past weekend, our bright and charming young neighbor was TRICKED and BAMBOOZLED by another set of youngs who told her they were just coming in from out of town, but they were not really coming in from out of town, they were having a GIANT PARTY. This time we did not wait until 6 a.m., but went over at 3 a.m. instead, and very politely said, “hello, we are the neighbor and it is 3 a.m. and we know for a fact you are not supposed to be having a party because we just called our neighbor whose apartment this is and she said you are not supposed to be having a party, and also people are running and yelling up and down the hall and people live here and it is 3 a.m., do you suppose you might stop having this party now?”

And they said, “oh yeah, we will definitely stop having this party now,” before not stopping having the party now, and we said, “Okay, then, is there a time frame for stopping the party now?” and they said “in like 15 minutes maybe,” so we stood in the hall and waited, and they waited with us, while their party went on inside and they did not go inside to ask people to leave, and we said “maybe you could ask people to leave now” and they said “no thank you, it is not loud, you really cannot complain, and nobody ran up and down the halls yelling, you are a liar” and then other people came out and said to us “you look tired, you should go to sleep.”

We had never before seen a concern troll in real life. It was kind of exciting!

Then they told us we were being excessively noisy, and also rude.

Then our neighbor called us again and asked us to kick everyone out for her because she was still 45 minutes away, staying with a friend in Orange County, so we came back out and there was Nelson, the building manager, also trying to get them to leave, because they had climbed up the fire escape and the guy upstairs was fucking LIVID, but they would not leave and now it was 4 a.m. And then finally our neighbor got there and she kicked everybody out except for the six people who were staying there and she let them stay but kept their $500 security deposit on top of their $450 for the rental (per night) so you can kind of see why they thought it was okay to have a party there, because nobody actually pays $450 for just a place to sleep on Airbnb. She baked us cookies, but did she throw us money from the $500 deposit she kept, from being “tricked” by the bad youngs on Airbnb? That did not occur to her maybe. Hopefully it occurred to her to throw Nelson a hundy.

And now probably our landlord will be like “now everybody in the building cannot pay most of their rent by renting rooms to strangers on Airbnb” and you total shitheads will have ruined it for all the nice Australians and Eurotrash who just want to come over and drink wine with us and hang out on our couch and keep us company while also giving us like $55 per night for the spare room or $175 for the whole place if they want to be fancy (and sleep five!) and that will have been all because of you, and how you singlehandedly ruined the Sharing Economy, and most of our rent, by being an entitled dick.

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    Did the partiers at least stay off your lawn?

  • msanthropesmr

    Why is it so hard for people not to be dicks? I mean, it seems pretty simple to me, “Don’t be a dick”. I live by it. And yet, all around me, people act like dicks. I wonder what’s wrong with me…

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Mardi Gras Party at the Editrix’s sweet party pad tonite!!Bring your own bartering stuff!!!

  • Joseph

    I need the number of this 25 year old working actress. Really! I don’t want to use her apartment. I found a nice motel on the Hudson with an hourly rate — we can watch the submarine races and then get a White Castle.

  • Callyson

    Aren’t there some abandoned warehouses somewhere for this kind of thing? Seriously, if I had the start-up capital I’d buy an old building and market it for this purpose. Come on, job creators, make yourselves useful…

    • Left Coast Tom

      Here in Northern CA abandoned warehouses are far more likely to turn into Urban Wineries.